Joy2Every1

Empty Nest

2012-02-27T05:29:00.002-08:00

It's 8:30AM. I woke up at 2AM, and many times since. Today I cannot keep putting off the inevitable. She leaves in less than a week. How will I ever live without her?

I remember when I first came to know of her existence. Denied it, even. Then my mother directly confronting me with her all-knowing question, "When are you going to tell us that you are pregnant?" I was 22, married, it wasn't an inconceivable thing, at least not to many people. Yet, to me, I knew I would never be a mother. Yet, a half a year later and I was holding a baby, barely six pounds, no hair, no eyelashes - like an alien, I wanted to poke it with a stick. She won't remember that I put my stereo speaker directly up to my belly and played Elton John's "Your Song" to her regularly. Nor will she remember that I sucked in my breath when I could finally feel her hiccuping, my belly rippling, during the middle of a movie. The anxiety created knowing the last time I had felt her move had been nearly a week when she decided to turn over and was sure that I was carrying a dead child.

She came to me in a dream as a boy, I named her many boy names, prepared her room for a boy. It didn't matter that the sonograms told me over and over again that she was a girl. When they lifted her from the incision, I still remember asking her sex, as if somehow they were going to admit that they had made a mistake all along. The nurses chiding me a week later, telling me that if I didn't name her, they wouldn't let me take her home. My Mikaela Lucine, my Michele Moon, my Kay Kay.

I only want what's best for you. We've been through a difficult journey together. Our lives impacting one another's, others lives impacting ours. It's been difficult, but you've given me strength, a reason to want to make it better, to believe that I can outrun all of the predators and carry you to safety. Now you make me feel as if I am the villain. Why must you fuel your departure with anger to leave me? Does it make it easier for you?

I wish all of the best things in life for you, my child. Yes, you will always be mine. All of the others have come and gone and I have remained, even when my life hung by what seemed to be threads this last year. I am still here for you, still loving you. Come back to me.

Running Scared

2012-02-26T13:03:00.002-08:00

It hasn't even been a week yet since I received the news. How can I expect others to come to terms with it when I can't even say the words. I told JKS about it, after a long drawn out day of saying I had something "important to talk about". I drove all of the way home, just to turn around come back and call from outside. I sat in the dark, on the porch, tears running down my face. How can I say that I'm afraid of losing people because of a diagnosis? So I just blurted, and then said I didn't want to be the "sick girl". I said no one else could know. After so much repetition, telling me that my identity was not wrapped up in a diagnosis, yes, intellectually I know this, but emotionally I know that when things get scary everyone runs. It's my personal experience. The person that has run, the person that has run away from another. I'm aching inside, sheer misery, a saline mess. Will anyone ever want to touch me again? Will anyone want to love me when I'm fading away?

Here's a few pieces (musical arrangements, covers, dance/choreography) that have the sentiments I'm feeling this week:

Gravity, Sara Bareilles Cover by Gennarose Pope (these lyrics go so far beyond a relationship)
http://youtu.be/gxPmSd0IJwI

Kayla & Kupono SYTYCD; Choreography: Mia Michaels; Music: Gravity, Sara Bareilles
http://youtu.be/_48OKZqYzHM

Cancer, My Chemical Romance
http://youtu.be/U4nXAx_av3o

Creep, Radiohead Cover by Damien Rice (acoustic)
http://youtu.be/-6uyZ4jKTdg

Diarrhea and Vomit

2012-01-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's because I haven't been able to keep a meal down or it's because I'm coming to an emotional space that requires action and investment, I've been feeling really sick. Scary stuff. Actually, it seems at times the physical stuff is way more easy to handle than the emotional stuff. So I've been literally puking and I figuratively puked on someone yesterday. I woke them up out of a dead sleep to say some pretty crappy things. I don't know why my brain thought it was appropriate timing to do so... why did it need to be said then? Why did it need to be said at all? It was pure ugliness and can't be taken back. I wish my mouth would consult with my brain sometimes before it proceeds forward in such a way. However, I was thinking about the exact sentences I would use for hours, I perfected them for the most harmful sounds and meanings. I don't know why. I can come up with a million reasons, but haven't figured out really... why? Is it because friendships and relationships scare me? Is it sabotaging the blossoming friendship or is it sabotaging myself? Or is that my inner-self believes that it will all end in destruction and chaos - like all my family, friends, lovers, etc. have anyway - so why not just end it early, rather than wait for some inappropriate, or unexpected time? Is it that I'm trying to test it? Trying to really say that I want to be sure that someone cares? I'm done analyzing, but I hate this about myself. I also hate that my physical body no longer wants to cooperate with my will to exist and be the way I want to live. There's so much more I want to say, I could drone on forever, but won't. I'll just stew in my regret. I tell people that I live without regret, but that's bullshit. I say that each experience that I've lived through has made me who I am today and that I like who I am, therefore, I have no regrets - bigger bullshit. Yes, I like many of my qualities, but if I could change some things, even if it meant an unknown outcome somewhere else... if I could take back some words, some actions, some of the things I've lived through, some of the things done to me... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I really love the meaning of these words. It's too bad that I don't have more confidence in a higher power that wants serenity, courage and wisdom for me.

Think I'm a little depressed? Hell yeah! I did something bad. I have already tried apologizing. I immediately wrote a letter. Using other forms of modern communication, I have reached out to try and swallow those ugly words back. I'd swallow them in the form of razor blades if necessary. Sounds so dramatic, but I really would. Penance for the ugliness that spouted out of my mouth. I had four speeches rehearsed, I picked speech #2. It was short, simple, sharp, hurtful, double-edged. I am glad that I didn't pick one of the others. They were longer, more detailed, and there would be no coming back from them. There may be no return from this one. I guess it's all in how the recipient heard the message, and if the apology will ever be heard and then accepted. So, I wait.

Playtime for Joy

2012-01-21T15:14:00.000-08:00

It's been too long that I've been depriving myself of my creative talents and pleasures. Right before Christmas, I encouraged JKS who'd given up on artistic talent to start again by gifting him a couple of sketch books, pens and things. It dawned on me just a short time later that I had forsaken my own desire to create and to play. So I've started sketching a little for now. I have also made a new friend that has suggested I lay a track on a new album that they are producing. It sounds marvelous, but frightening altogether. It is more than I can share to express these fears. Even cards, games, making and being with friends, going out, reading... the list goes on.

Turning a new leaf over this year, I won't be solely focused on setting goals and achieving them. Instead, I am making room for and allowing myself to play again, to balance my ambitions with really enjoying life again. JKS and I talked extensively about playing - how long it had been since I had listened to music, how I had abandoned all of my hobbies for so long - in a way a form of punishment, taking away all of my fun.

This month has already been full of moments of sheer enjoyment, not just reflection. I've even taken extended periods of absence from being plugged in and begun participating in life. It's an amazing feeling.

To continue in the spirit of this week's play: tonight, another sleepover; and tomorrow: visitors, dinner, drinks, games, shooting guns, and another bonfire (weather permitting).

And the fun continues.

Over 2 years since the last posting

2012-01-18T08:58:00.001-08:00

Today I came across this blog looking for a quote from LA Story that I used in 2004. I kept reading.

Looking over my life as far back as seven years ago is almost surreal. The ranting of a raving lunatic. But when I think back about what actually happened during 2004 and 2005, could I really have expected something different? So many things I believed in, loved, cared about finally being displayed in their true form. I once believed that everything I believed in, everything I held sacred had been jerked out from under my feet. I can see so clearly now that I had a definite role in how it all played out. Yes, many circumstances were outside of my control, however, my response to them yielded many unnecessary results, causing damage and pain to me and others.

I've decided to resume posting on this blog, at least for today. And where to begin... How could I possibly ever recap what's happened since May 2009? Moving to Tennessee, almost losing my life three times in 2011, making new friends, J&J's divorce and the new people in their lives that I never believed I'd come to accept, KK growing up and becoming a woman, divorce from M. finalized, T. dying (whoever thought I'd care?) and so many others, and finally, moving on from my almost 5-year hiatus from men. "In the depth of winter, I finally realized that deep within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus. A perfect description of the missing pieces that went unblogged.

Enough said.

The beginning of a great 3 Day Weekend

2009-05-22T19:54:00.000-07:00

I started this 3-day weekend (which actually is a four day weekend for me, since I also got Friday off) at the doctor's office at 9AM this morning. I have been checking my heart rate and it has been between 110-130 for most of the afternoon and I wake up with a resting heart rate (lying down) at 90 bpm. Way too fast. After yesterday's lecture about coronary artery disease, I have decided to see my physician. Today he has referred me to a cardiologist to have a 12-lead EKG on a 24 hour halter to monitor my heart for a 24 hour period on a little portable computer. This happens to be a test that I messed up for a patient just two days ago, so it's all very real for me. If you're interested, e-mail me or call me and I'll give you all of the embarrassing details... for now, I'll try to keep my dignity intact. So, maybe I'll avoid a myocardial infarction this year... or some other horrifying cardio pathology. Then I went to a group meeting for recovery and finally came home to realize that i actually had a couple of extra hours to spend doing something I've needed to do for over six months.... FIND A CAR! It's now 8PM and I'm the official owner of a car that has four working doors (none of them fall off when you open them up)! Amazing, isn't it? Yes, it's a nice car, something even worthy of parking out front in a proud way... it's a Honda CRV and I think I've earned KK's approval, Yeah Me! Yes, today was a good day!

At wits end.... or very close to it

2009-05-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

I feel like everything is coming to a head lately. Things are just on the verge of complete and total meltdown. I have so many projects pending and so many things that I am behind on that I actually had KK review the mail this week and present all the bills to me like I was the CFO of a company approving the AP for check approval. She then wrote out all the checks and I signed them. Hell, we may be running a little like a company, but at least it's getting done and maybe she's learning something along the way.

If I stop for a second, I feel like the wave will wash right over me, the whole speed of the crowd behind me will run me over. I can't even begin to describe the feelings of the pressure and how out of control I feel I am right now.

I'm involved in a group that I feel I'm being totally railroaded by, and all I wanted for the group was to get an "A". I don't want my grade point average to be affected and I'm not so sure that we're "A" level after looking at some of the other group's submissions of outlines, etc. I'm a little disappointed that my effort isn't seen as wanting the group to succeed and not wanting my personal efforts to be seen. Frankly, I don't care about being personally acknowledged, I just want to get through this and get through it with the best grade I'm willing to settle for, which at this point, is nothing less than an "A". Why can't I ever be satisfied with less? I'm so disappointed in myself for not being more of a "teamplayer" and just letting it go. But I'm not willing to settle for mediocrity. Why should I? Have I ever? And when I have, what have been the results? I'm not mediocre!!! I will not settle for less!!!

There's more to be said, but at this point, I'm even afraid that maybe some of my classmates might be monitoring my blog, because I opened myself for that sort of speculation. Now I can't even be me when I just have the need to blog.

I've had this fear before though. It's just the same as the fear I have all of the time that my dad is out there googling me. (LIke he did about five years ago when I got that call that he found the horrible crap that I'd written and posted about him). I guess if I don't want the whole world to know about it, I shouldn't write it in such a public format, right? But I'm really tired of the self-censorship. Why can't I just me me without worrying about what everybody is thinking about? Why am I so concerned about the impression that I make? Could it possibly be that I still have NO STINKING FRIENDS?!?!?! I sat down out front with a classmate today and had a really nice connection, but I still know that we're just acquaintances. That at the end of the day, she's not my friend. She's just another classmate that shared a moment with me. How do people make friends at this stage in their life? I'm tired of being so lonely. I'm tired of having noone except a 14 y.o. daughter who can't stand talking to me more than monosyllabic answers with punctuated sighs. I'm about ready to scream.... no, I am screaming!

Back to School

2009-04-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

My eyes hurt, and I'm ready to be back in school. I've watched enough youtube for the whole year. I've subscribed to every video service that I said I wouldn't subscribe to... I'm an internet whore.

Oh well, there won't be time to keep up with any of this after today. I had fun while it lasted! And I'm still laying in bed even though I need to be on the freeway in about 15 minutes! BYE!

Religulous

2009-04-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

I watched Bill Maher's movie today and without getting in a major debate about religion or how much I think that with or without Bill Maher's commentary that all of those people were absolutely moronic... I am a little angry at my sister's response to my feelings. I don't want her to yell at me, but I feel like she's one of the few people that can understand how I feel having left that religion so late in my life. The reason why it took so long and I loved how the two ex-Mormon's worded it in the movie... it was SOCIAL SUICIDE. Still to this day I suffer the consequences of having to restart my life in my late 20's and early 30's. People are constantly looking at me and wondering why I haven't developed a base of friends that goes back further than just a few years, or questioning why I have a large family and none of them will have anything to do with me. I spent my entire life developing relationships with people that will have nothing to do with me and the reason why it took me so long to get off that ride was the fact that I realized that I was going to have to start over again... the longer I waited, the worse the problem became. I almost became a social cripple. I don't care what anyone says, former JW's will all recognize (at least it seems everyone that I talk to individually seems to have the same story kind of)... it's not that they don't have ANY friends, it's the longer they took to become their authentic selves, the more they seem to struggle with friendships in their new life. They don't ever seem to totally fit in... I will say that my sister left substantially earlier than I did... she was about 18 and I returned after I left and went for another round... she returned but never really delved into it the way that I did... for pete's sake, I went to serve in ministry "where the need was great" in a language that I didn't even speak over 2,000 miles from where I lived. All the while, I knew that it was a religion that I didn't believe. I was just trying to be accepted by my family, loved by them. Maybe she didn't feel that way, maybe she never gave that much of herself up, but I did. I committed SOCIAL SUICIDE... well, at least, I attempted social suicide and I still have a lot of scars from the event, a cripple so-to-speak. Don't take my feelings away from me just because you don't feel them!

New Places, New Blog

2009-04-16T14:59:00.000-07:00

It's time to turn a new leaf. I want to leave myspace and found the perfect way to do it. Unfortunately, I didn't want to leave my five years plus of blogging behind. So, I spent several hours transferring my blog by cutting and pasting it (tedious, monotonous shit) over to this place. The one thoroughly disappointing aspect was reviewing the last five years. Specifically the decline into the pit of despair, or hell, and the slow climb back out of it. Yes, I'm glad that I'm on the top looking down, but to see it so consolidated, in such a clear, concise way and to know as I saw each date and each post, what was going to happen after that and how it would exactly affect my life... well, it hasn't been the most pleasant of experiences. I'm not going to spend too much time dwelling, just as I didn't read the recap word for word.

Anyway... c'est moi!

Dear Zachary

2009-04-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

Wow! I am left with such an empty feeling of sadness and anger for the parents in this documentary. What an amazing couple, completely selfless, a model for all and yet to experience grief repetitively and without creating a spoiler.... this documentary is an absolute must-see. I hated the Devil-woman and wanted to see justice served, and justice lets us all down. Go rent it, or watch it by searching the title at this website www.theonlydevice.com and you can see it directly online. The title is Dear Zachary. Enough said, if I rant at all, it will just give it away and there are definitely some twists and turns in this true story. I will say that I wish I had friends like this man had and his parents, once again, what a family!

My favorite rotational week was the week in ER. I got to receive a patient with an evisceration in the emergency room and prep him for surgery. Then the charge nurse asked if I wanted to observe the surgery, which of course, I did... so I ended up staying an extra five hours and watching one of the most amazing surgeries ever. The doctor actually stopped several times and pointed things out to me and the anesthesiologist gave me his spot for over half of the surgery so that I could have a better view of the operation. The whole staff was so accommodating so that I would have an incredible learning experience - which I did! It's Spring Break now and I finally have the opportunity to breathe a little.

The neighbor girls brought three 5-day old kittens to my door last week and by night two both KK and I were crying from sheer exhaustion. If I would've had time to take the kittens to the Pound, I probably would have, but as luck would have it for them, I never got home in time to do it. I found out that the Humane Society is not so humane to kittens, especially at that age. Apparently they do not have the resources to bottle feed babies. So for the last week we were foster parents to Jasper, Emmett, and James (KK named them - go figure). Yesterday, a new foster mother took them over for us and the kittens have a much more hopeful outlook for the future. I'm glad that we were able to do a good deed and am also very glad that we have our house back to normal and baby-free.

Today is root canal day at the dentist, whoopee! Something I can definitely say that I am NOT looking forward to. But we may have a massage thrown in for good measure either today or tomorrow, to balance it all out in the end. Not a massage from the dentist, just in case there was any confusion.

Technology Overload - do I need to know each time you take a crap?

2009-03-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

People must have way too much time on their hands! Like myspace wasn't enough, now there's facebook (which is actually already old), and probably several other services just like it. My 14 year old has over five email addresses. Why? But why does a 37 year old need five email addresses? Isn't one enough? (Maybe two, so that you don't have to send personal email from your work email.) But then there's cell phones and texting and the list goes on and on. Picture updates of everything. Utube videos that are beyond ridiculous... I am amazed at the ridiculous amount of superfluous information that is abundant and not just for the taking, but being gobbled up by the masses! Not only are people spending the time to watch it, but they are spending the hours to make it. WHY??????

What happened to picking up a phone and calling someone when you want to talk to them, or better yet, visiting them? That's a novel concept, eh? And don't begin to say that it saves time. I logged the time spent by the girl who sits a couple of seats away from me on her cell phone not actually making calls. (We aren't even supposed to have cell phones in the class room, but she doesn't seem to get the concept.) She can't go five minutes without checking her phone. The second we go on break, the first thing she grabs is her phone. I have never seen her have a moment, even while she's talking to someone else, where she isn't using her phone to check a text, receive a text, check a voicemail, or whatever VERY IMPORTANT task she is being consumed by that has nothing to do with the conversation that she is trying to be part of. She is a student, she has a food service job that does not pay more than $10.00 per hour, she is not a manager. She is a mother, yes, but her children are being watched by paid qualified professionals. Even if there was an emergency, there would be nothing she could do by phone, and there never has been an emergency, never a sniffle even. Just constant checking and updates - or I actually don't know what she's doing calling the facility. I would think it has to be annoying for these people if every parent is doing the same thing. I never once called KK's daycare. I figured if I didn't trust them enough to do their job, she shouldn't be there, right? And as far as texting, what important information is being texted from any person to her that she couldn't wait until after the day is done to check? Her husband is out of work, they stay with her inlaws around the corner from the school. I picked her because she's so close and I can see it all, and it really is annoying. I counted over 50 times in the course of 6 hours, I stopped counting after 50. She spent over a total of two hours looking at and touching her phone. She's not the exception to the rule though, this is everyone!!! What is wrong with people? I want to blow these devices up! I hate the lack of interaction, real live interaction that is happening with the advent of these obsessive compulsive behavior generators. I received an e-mail on Thursday from my dad asking me an important question about KK. I didn't find it until yesterday, because I don't check my e-mail every day. Why didn't he just pick up the phone and call me? Especially when he needed the information so badly and I didn't return the e-mail. I don't get it. It's not like it took less time to send the e-mail. It's not like I wasn't home to get his call. Even if I wasn't home, I've got this great device called an answering machine - no I don't have call waiting, or caller ID, or even a voicemail box. It's one of those regular old answering machines (but it is at least digital, so there's no tape inside of it). Why do I need caller ID? I don't need to know who is calling before I pick up the phone. If I don't feel like talking, I don't answer - or, even better, I can hang up on the person. If they don't want to leave a message, well, then they probably really didn't want to talk to me now, did they? So why would I care who called and didn't leave a message if they weren't even willing to take the time to identify themselves or leave a message? People are consumed with over informing themselves. I still make fun of myself for being a "wealth of useless information". Yes, I know lots of ridiculous facts that probably will never do much for my personal or career advancement - a bunch of useless information. However, I think society is yearning for this trait. They are consumed with over-informing. Even this blog.... when I think about it, it is pretty ridiculous. It's my diary, my thoughts, I've put them out there for other people to see... and someone out there will take the time to read this, even someone who doesn't know me, or isn't someone that I have taken the time to develop a relationship. They will waste their time over-informing themselves. I'm making a commitment to stop the madness. I'm not going to stop blogging, at least, not yet. But I refuse to get one more meaningless account. The e-mail addresses and myspace and phone numbers and address I already have should be enough to be able to keep in contact with me. I don't want to inundate myself with anymore sites. Don't send me random texts that you send to your entire phone list. Unless you think it's something that I personally would enjoy and you send it to me or a selected few... I don't want to be on the Reply All List. I don't want form letters, or daily forwards, do people really have the time for this? .. Good day!

COMMENTS:

I am sorry that I've been distant. I've been doing some heavy soul-searching for some time now and some very specific and serious events occurred near the time I broke contact with you. I will share them shortly, if you're interested. I know I haven't been a very good friend to you in your time of need, and I cannot promise that I will be a better friend in the future because my life is so full and so busy that I've not been able to maintain any friendships outside of the family. But you do, at the very least, deserve an explanation, if you'd like it.

I'm happy for you that you are moving forward in your career! You have made monumental steps towards a lofty and noble goal, and I have a deep respect and admiration for you in regards to your efforts. You've shown, once again, your strength and your ability.
Kelly
p.s. Yes, I realize it's also awkward I posted all of this on your blog. I'm owning up to my being a crappy friend and I don't mind if all the world sees.
Posted by Kelly on Thursday, March 26, 2009 - 8:49 AM

I think you might have missed my point... or at least taken it personally. I'm not saying that I don't see the value in the services... obviously, I use them. I see the value in blogging, even. It's when their lives become so consumed with the service that they can't even function, or don't even realize that what they're doing is rude or inappropriate, well, then I think there's a problem. Like the girl who has her phone in her pocket and is "blindly" typing in messages into her phone so that she can keep texting even though she has been written up so many times that if she is caught one more time she is going to be kicked out of the class... well, I think she's obviously got a problem that is out of control. Is texting that little bit of information (which I'm sure isn't urgent based on what I've seen and heard) worth her career? And if it is, well, why is she bothering even continuing in the class? Why not just leave and not frustrate everyone that has to be confined by additional rules and restrictions because she doesn't get it and can't control herself? I was just really frustrated.

PS. If you'd like to explain, I'd be happy to hear. I've just accepted your friendship for what it's become at this point. If you notice, I haven't asked for anything in the way of rebuilding it, because it seems like you're happy with where it is right now. I figure if/when you're ready for it to be different you'll say something. And, quite frankly, I'm so overwhelmed with school I don't have time for much extra in the way of socializing. I do have a few friendships that I maintain, but haven't sought out any additional friends (that will eventually be needed when my schedule changes after school). Anyway, I'm always interested in hearing about your life, and definitely, if something major has happened, even if it's old news at this point, I'd be open to listening.
Posted by Joy on Saturday, April 11, 2009 - 8:14 AM

This week's assigned patient

2009-03-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

This week's assigned patient... she is 91, has MRSA (a really bad, antibiotic resistant infection) I have to wear a mask, gloves, gown, etc everytime I go into her room. She's got contractures so bad that her knees are crossed and drawn all the way up to her chest and I can't pull them down at all. She's so thin and her skin is so broken down that we can't even draw blood or take her blood pressure on her right arm or the skin tears. She has stage 3 and stage 4 decubits (bed sores) on both sides of her rear end (because her family doesn't turn her). If you have the stomach for it, look up stage 3 and stage 4 decubitis on google. Otherwise, I can tell you that I can stuff a golf ball into each one of the sores. Every day, we have to change the dressings, which requires pulling out the smelly gauze and repacking it with saline moistened gauze and medicated gauze so that it will eat away the dead tissue and start building new tissue (or at least not continue to get infected and larger and larger). She also was covered with scabies when they brought her in. Her son brought her in because they said her level of consciousness had been diminishing and she wasn't eating every day. There is no way this lady could eat at all. Apparently, she was managing to get a couple spoonfuls of soup by straw or something (so broth). She's so malnourished and thin she looks like ET. She literally has no body fat anywhere, you can see every vein, every rib, every organ. She's got a g-tube (but they weren't feeding her by it, instead they were letting her try to eat on her own) and has been bedridden for eight years. Thank goodness they don't have recessitation measures on her. That kills me, when you see someone like that and then they want to keep them alive on a ventilator and with feeding tubes, just so they can feel like they're doing something good. They've asked when they can take her home, but one of the nurses has filed an elder abuse report, cause listed was "neglect" and for self abuse because the report can't be filed with "malnourishment" as abuse by others (I guess they figure that most people will eat if food is put in front of them - and if they don't, it goes back to neglect again). Anyway, for self-abuse they've listed "malnourishment". The pictures documented in her file are just horrible, she's one of the saddest patients I've had yet. At first you barely want to walk in the room because of the smell and then you're just overwhelmed by how ridiculously sad it is... but when I came home today I kept feeling imaginary bugs crawling on me... and you know that I'm freaking out right now about my sore throat... wondering if somehow I've got MRSA. I scrubbed my clipboard down with alcohol because I had to pick it up with my dirty gloved hand to move it while I was changing her diaper (she has a Foley catheter which is for her urinary incontinence, but still has bowel movements about three times a day). Her urine output is the absolute minimum required, it's listed as abnormal findings for less than 30mL/hour and she produces EXACTLY that. Most people even when they're sick are producing two and three times that amount. So she's severely dehydrated. They can't give her any more fluids than 20ml/hr via IV because her veins can't handle the load. She doesn't have a regular IV because her veins are so broken down, she has a central catheter that runs straight to her heart. They can't give her anymore nutrition than 40ml/HR because it starts backing up. Basically her body is shutting down and won't absorb anymore. Strangely, her heart is running stronger than ever. Her WBC (white blood cell) count is off the chart, which means infection is running rampant. Many other parts of her blood and metabolic panel are way, way off normal limits. I can't believe that the family took so long to bring her in. It takes 2-3 people to turn her every two hours and change her diaper, and I was supposed to have someone help me bathe her today (because yesterday our clinicals started after bath time). I don't think anyone has given her a really good bath yet, I think they're too afraid to touch her. I know I kind of am. I hope I haven't totally grossed you out. I definitely hope that I don't have to experience anything like that. I would much rather go quickly, than be in a bedridden state (her for eight years!!!) and continue hanging on to life. All of my great grandparents except one that died in a train accident lived into their middle 90s. My grandparents on my maternal side are in their 90s right now. But I think this particular generation (my siblings) are so much more genetically damaged and unhealthy as a whole. It will be interesting to see how that all plays out.

Well, I'm going to take advantage of the day and study for Thursdays tests and get caught up on my homework. I stayed home today because I'm running a low grade fever and didn't want to push my patient over the edge and kill her because of my little sore throat. It's an absolute no-no to come into clinicals sick. A bunch of people got sent home yesterday, the whole class sounds like one big bay of sick people, all hacking and coughing. I thought I'd managed to steer clear, sitting in the front with everyone coughing at my back, but not quite so fortunate.

COMMENTS:

methicillin resistant staphylococcus aureus: good intro for you on clinical rotation. wait til u get to my fave group A streptococcus pyogenes synonomous with necrotizing fasciitis. gotta luv the microbial wurld- much more fascinating than half the people we know :p

anyhoo, wish i never left new york. west oakland sucks ass big time!

keep up the hard work joy, OR rotation'll blow ur mind if ur into infectious diseases 'n pathology...

-toni twin
Posted by DMR Twins on Sunday, April 12, 2009 - 10:34 PM
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Feeling Fulfilled

2009-02-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

It's an amazing feeling that every day - regardless of the fact that I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and really needing an assistant, or at least a housekeeper right now - I have the reassurance that I have made the correct choice for school/career. It's incredible really. I'm filled with true excitement and am thrilled with each opportunity from the smallest task to the surgery that I was involved in last week. It was an experience I won't forget and another reminder that I have made the right choice. I'm absolutely convinced that the reason why I'm at the top of the class (with a 98% I might add) isn't just because I'm smart or because I study hard, but because I love what I'm doing! The groans that come out of the class when another chapter is added to the homework assignment. Or when the instructor says are you at overload yet? and we've only been in lecture for 20 minutes and students are already discussing break or lunch or are we going to get to go home early. I just don't understand it! I love all of it. Yes, there's some instructors that aren't as interesting, but strangely enough that's not even what drives the comments. Most of these students are there because they want to make money or more money. To be honest, if this job was paying minimum wage, I would figure out a way to make it work, because I find it so fascinating.

It's definitely been a relief to have something I love so much, because the last twelve months have been filled with other disappointments. I'm still so lonely. I have no friends. Did I say I'm lonely? Romance is nowhere on the horizon, not to say that I would have the time to invest even if I ran into it head on. I guess it's a good thing that it's not in the picture, because I would feel like it was something I wanted so much, but wouldn't be able to pursue it right now. This other part of my life is so much more important. And, like I said, I'm so glad it's so fulfilling because the voids in the other areas are so large that the emptiness at times is enough to make me feel like my life is empty and meaningless. I don't mean to say that without another person that I'm nothing. I know and feel that's not a truth. However, how much more satisfying is it when you can share your life with someone, a true partner that can delight in your moments of triumph and give you a shoulder to lean on or even carry you through your moments of despair? I've begun to realize that the possibility might be that I will do this on my own. That my destiny might be that of a single-traveled journey through this life. I won't spend too much time reflecting on this, but it does make me sad, I feel I have so much to offer and yes, I really could use the extra help, the support, the love, the friend, and I don't even remember what sex is like anymore! I guess I should remember that this is a public blog, so I'll keep it to these comments at the moment.

I look back at my subject line as I've just completed the last couple of sentences and realize that I started this blog off with "Feeling Fulfilled" - am I? In most respects, yes. In one respect, it is such a strong feeling of fulfillment that I am almost bursting at the seams. I love what I'm doing!!! My passion for my new role is going to make me a great healthcare provider. .. A good sigh, a sigh of contentment.

Stop the Insanity

2008-09-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

I had a perfect week. I went on a much-needed vacation and stayed in Myrtle Beach for the first time. It was steps to the sand, walks next to the ocean every day, relaxation, sleep, good books and great conversation. I was the only "singleton" in the mix and for once didn't feel like I was the odd man out. I felt perfectly happy with everything. When I came home, KK was glad to see me. She hugged me, held my hand... things couldn't have been better.

Only a small glitch has brought this perfect vacation to a screeching halt; a barrage of emails that drudged up issues and passed judgment. Many tears shed over printed words and a lack of the spoken. I feel like the hole gets deeper and deeper and no matter what I say or do every movement I make contorted like a mirror in a funhouse. I know that I don't look like that, but the mirror keeps showing me a different image. No matter how many mirrors I keep looking at that tell me this reflection is a mere distortion, this distorted piece of reflective glass keeps assaulting all of my senses and has me doubting my self-image and worth. I feel like I am crying about having a head that is three feet tall or an abdomen that has been stretched wide and yet I can go to another mirror, or even get out a measuring tape and see that this mirror is just another perception of me. I don't like the reflection that it is giving though and I don't want to look at it anymore.

I feel like the past couple of months have been uplifting, positive. I've made some huge changes in my life that have continued to keep me going in a positive path. Yet, I don't feel like everyone shares my enthusiasm for my progress. Possibly they don't see it as progress at all. I feel as if I am speaking a foreign language to someone that shares my same native tongue. My words have been twisted and manipulated. I'd like to say I don't care, but I care too much.

Even now, I fear writing these words. Fear that they will be critiqued, reviewed, analyzed, compared and then spit back at me with a more poisonous venom. I fear that with every new word spoken or written that I stand the chance of losing something I hold dear. If perception were such an easy thing to change as a pair of glasses, I would be a happy woman today. Because the lenses that are currently being viewed through are possibly cracked and dirty and possibly due to the fact that I didn't take care of them. I wish I could take them off and replace them with a new and better pair. a pair that would allow the user to see my intentions and my actions clearly.

And yet with the imagery presented, these just become words wrapped in paper. I wish I could write my words as a gift; present them as something glorious; wrapped in beautiful, printed-paper with a beautiful bow on each one, holding a valuable gift of truce, of peace of mind and heart. Could I do such, I would, give my gift of love and bestow it's holder with peace, serenity and the ability to see me as I really am even with my flaws and still a person of morals, ethics, who is wise and sincere, a good mother, sister and friend.

COMMENTS:

Dear Joysie,
Read how many times you said "everyone" for one person?!...ONE person has been giving you a hard time. SIX other people had a great time with you at the beach. Another ONE person (your daughter) has given you hugs and gifts of loving, TWO other friends and another ONE person (at least) has given you support and love for who you are and where you are and how proud they are of you since you've been back.....Do not give away your power and strength and the love you give as well as receive to one other voice, no matter how important that person is to you. Ask other people for love and support. Tell others of your joy and happiness with where you are. The listening is important but it is the speaking that counts. :) Keep your self SAFE and take care of yourself the most of all....change is hard on all of us but that is not a reason not to change. You will have more to offer ANY relationship if you stay true to you. You are a pleasure to know and I am glad you are part of MY family.
Love you lots,
B
Posted by Elizabeth on Thursday, September 11, 2008 - 8:37 AM

JRock,

You have an artist's temperament. Dozens of triumphs, and yet it's the one negative that dominates your mind. I do it, and so many of my other friends do too.

Those people, the stone throwers, will always be out there. Some have deadly aim, or special intelligence on where are your weak spots. We can't live in fear of them. Really, it's a measure of their own fears and shame that they place such high measure (devote their efforts) on inflicting the same on others. Think about it... sad. Sad, troubled people.

The easiest thing to do is falter, go backward, never write another word or attempt any other original endeavor. But that perfectly natural reaction is not living -- and it's not fair to ourselves. Life is to explore, build, express ourselves to the maximum. Anything else is to live in a cave, next door to the stone throwers.

I say, seek out the positive, cling to all those good people around you, who recognize what's noble in you and who believe in you so much that they invest themselves in you. That's a wonderful thing, too often taken for granted.

From here it looks like you are doing fantastically. And I'm one smart fucker.

C
Posted by Kafka on the Beach on Saturday, September 13, 2008 - 5:04 PM

Getting Through Friday

2008-06-14T00:29:00.000-07:00

I've never thought I would not want it to be Friday so badly. Guess I got it off to a major wrong start when I realized at 7:58AM that I forgot to take my medicine and there was a reason why I was feeling all sweaty/chilly and nauseated. There was no turning around to go back and get it and I still had four more hours to go. I actually thought of dropping the class to go back and get it (I have no more hours to take off - so if I am late or have to miss any time for any reason, I'm off the program).

We start clinicals on Tuesday. My teacher hates me. I don't know why. I don't understand these things at all anymore. I found out that I have the highest average/score in the class (she gave us our cummulative scores and average yesterday), but it's really not that difficult of a class. I'm just glad that we'll be out on the floor and all of her negative attention went be fixated on me. She has been rapping on my desk telling me not to take notes on the film (yet three other people in the class had their heads down on the desk taking a nap during the film). I don't get it. She said I needed to pay attention to the film and that I would miss the important parts if I was taking notes. Why does she have to pick on me? Does it make her angry that I'm getting a good grade and not trying? I tried moving my seating (so that I would be a couple of desks away from hers, I'm the closest to her right now and then there's a bunch of empty space and the rest of the class) and the school manager that had come in to resolve the conflict that the teacher and I were having the week before last week told me that I couldn't move my seat, it was assigned seating. When I told her it wasn't assigned, the teacher confirmed it wasn't. The school manager still made me sit in the same space, I guess I'm stuck with my head up the teacher's rear end for the rest of the class... like I said, I'm glad we're starting clinicals next week, because we won't be so close, I'll be with the residents and she'll be working with the other students on clearing their skills.

Only one more month and I'll be certified. I find out in another week if I'm accepted into the La Puente LVN program. I've done the assessments for that particular program and have made appointments for a few others. I'll take the one that starts the soonest of the ones that I'm approved or cleared for. Hopefully, they won't be wait-listed like the RN programs are all over the place.

I saw my grandparents for a couple of hours last night. It was really nice. It's also really sad and weird, because of the school stuff and dealing with all of the issues with geriatrics and nursing homes and dying. Grandma's 92! She's really getting old and I can tell that she hates it and is discouraged by all of the things that are happening to her right now. She can barely hear and she's going blind. I took the kitten over to play with one of their dogs. They seem to enjoy watching the two of them play and I have a reason to visit, since there's very few reasons why it's okay for them to have me over. For those of you that don't understand this sentence, I don't have the time or energy to go into it or explain it right now. Religion sucks! I love my grandparents even though I can't understand how my family believes and adheres to that moronic crap. Thank goodness I have Jeni talk to about it. It's also helpful to have Jason too. For those that left earlier in their lives or have parents and family that weren't involved, they may get parts of it, but they don't understand all of the huge complications and pain and agony that goes with this. Basically, I got to restart my life at 30. Make all new friends, all new family, I even lost my husband in the mix. (Well, that wasn't due to religion, more like "the absence of penis". Hey! Great title for a book, eh?)

KK is gone to J&J's and then they're off to San Diego to do a tour of Sea World, the San Diego Zoo and the Wild Animal Park. I'm totally jealous, not just because of the places, but it just seems like every time they go do something fun, she goes with them and I'm stuck at home. Yeah me! I enjoy the quiet time, sometimes, but I sure could use a little mini-vacation. When I finish class, anybody up for a mini break?

Well, I'm off to go buy some nursing shoes. It's official, I've got the uniform at least to prove it.

COMMENTS:

Stick with it (I know you will), ignore the bitch (she's just another obstacle giving you a chance to prove your strength), spend as much time with your grandparents as you can (for whatever reason you can contrive), and realize that you'll be along for the fun with KK and J&J at some point in the very near future (sacrifice now, reap the rewards later). For whatever reason, you've been given another chance to turn your life into something positive; make the most of it and enjoy the small things along the way!! Like nurses shoes to go with the uniform. xo
Posted by Kelly on Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 1:00 PM

Congrats Joy!!! Don't freak on the teacher, they really don't care about these things as much as you think. Peace girl!
Posted by Shawn M on Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 11:53 PM

Thanks for your comments Shawn. I normally would agree with you and say that I was really amplifying the drama, except our last interaction was my last day in her class. She informed the class at 8:08AM that I was not returning to the class... that I had chosen to drop out of it. She didn't ever call me, she didn't know that I wasn't dead at that point. I just thought it was interesting that she chose to give the information to the class according to her own personal insight, which was very off this particular time. Thanks for your support.

I found out that I have been accepted into the LVN program, and unless the next group of test takers all outscore me (I received the top score for the first two test groups), I definitely have my secured spot for the class that begins in January. What's going on with you? Let's get together and chat SOON!
Posted by Joy on Friday, June 27, 2008 - 8:22 AM

I am ninja! Hang in there sis - I know you can do it - with flying colors even :) I love you and I am glad for our talk this weekend. The drama, however, continues in my life :)
Posted by I am ninja! on Monday, June 16, 2008 - 1:27 PM

So much for getting an early start this morning

2008-05-31T10:06:00.001-07:00

Well, I had this great idea of getting started this morning and pulled out the computer to get a couple of things purchased before I started cleaning the house and doing the laundry. I was going to try and take advantage of the only weekend day and only day off I will have for about two weeks. However, I received a call from Jen this morning asking for a tuna casserole recipe and had to send it through myspace and that was the demise of the morning. Here I sit almost two hours later and I still haven't accomplished what I originally set out to get done when I pressed the ON button on my laptop. And I could've slept in today if I knew it was going to be this kind of waste. Oh well, what's done is done and I've still got a few more hours before I hit critical.

I'm in a CNA class and will be a Certified Nurse Assistant on July 25 of this year. I won't be able to start the LVN program until June 2009 at the earliest, so there will be a bit of a break in there. But more than likely it will be crammed full for Fall and Spring semester trying to get either prerequisites in if I end up going with the PCC LVN program or the rest of my GE classes so that I can use the time wisely for the final goal of BSN. Because the RN program is wait-listed for almost three years, there's no real point in waiting it out. So I decided to get my other credentials while I'm waiting. Not to mention, it won't really be waiting, because I'll be doing the RN portion as an LVN to RN bridge program and taking advantage of all the students that drop out of the program after the first or second semester and end up taking up the space making the program wait-listed when it ends up being barely occupied in the last year towards graduation from the RN program. The summary of all of that is, there are a bunch of people that are signing up for a program that they can't complete for various reasons and end up making it ridiculously hard to get into when it really shouldn't be with the amount of people that actually end up graduating. So by doing it this alternate way, I've found a way to continue working my way towards the final goal and I'll be able to work in a hospital setting earlier than the way I had originally planned to do this. I should be complete with my LVN program as early as June 2010, and if I wanted to, I could even supplement it with a teaching course that would allow me to teach the CNA program for the school district as an LVN. The ROP program is ridiculously inexpensive as well and will allow me to get this completed for a fraction of the cost I had originally anticipated.

Speaking of cost, because this is so drawn out, I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to financially survive it through my schooling. KK is starting a petsitting/housesitting business and I'm actually thinking of marketing it heavily and hopefully be able to create a steady stream of income with it. The 8 hours of work per week I'm doing right now, just isn't going to cut it. The other problem is that the programs are all full-time and I'm exhausted afterwards. I don't really know how I'm going to be able to go to school full-time and work to support my family. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. I can't adjust my cost of living down any further. We're living about as modestly as we possibly can. The only other change I could make would be to share a place with someone, but I can't imagine with KK that I'd be able to even get a share that was less than what I'm paying right now for the place we have all to ourselves. I've talked with my older sister about the idea of taking care of my grandparents and moving in to their guest house (which is currently unlivable in it's present state), but that's a pipe dream and more than likely will not be an option that will be extended to me. If anyone knows of any rich gentleman that would like a completely dependent girlfriend with a kid that they can support through school, you know who to refer, right?

I feel like I've squandered the years I've had and should've started this years ago. But most of you know that it's taken me this long to get myself back on the right track and I was in no condition to be working on a career change or doing anything with this kind of regimen. Once again, what's done is done. I guess this theme is one I'm recognizing today in small and large areas of my life.

Well, I'm off to clean my house and then get KK a phone so that we can start the next part of her business plan. Bow Wow Buddies, Woof Woof Walkers, PetTenders are just a few of the names we've come up with... any more ideas?

So much for getting an early start this morning

2008-05-31T10:06:00.000-07:00

A long time in coming

2008-05-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

So I haven't been on myspace in about four months. I guess it's time to blog. I don't even know where to begin, so much has happened and at the same time not a lot has changed.

A few weeks back, K heard a meowing from underneath our house and after about 45 minutes of crawling around in the crawl space, she comes out clutching a tiny, dirty kitten with it's eyes just barely open. "Tiny Tim" was only 10 days old, eyes barely open, ears still sealed, no teeth and totally dependent on me. I fell in love. He's our Tim Tim, our Timothy, our Tiny Tim. K refused the name of Little OrphanDanny, I'll forgive her though.

The place is coming along. I can finally say that we are unpacked and have eliminated all the extras from our lives so that the place is no longer bursting with junk but actually looks pretty cute and decorated. Once again, the walls are bare, but I think that's something I'm always going to struggle with, I can't commit to anything permanent on the walls and so always look like I'm either just moving or or just packing up to leave. Bare walls are okay though, right? It's a minimalist thing!

We saw Wicked on Tuesday. It was fantastic. Rich with lots of meaning and important messages about friendship, the awful way that people are exploited and lied about in the media, fitting in, having a purpose, helping others and a cause greater than self. My new hero is Elphaba, I was green with envy of the great qualities she offered those who were enriched by her friendship and association. The mistakes she made as she helped others with a genuine heart, yet in haste; brought many recollections of mistakes I've made in the past few years. A denial and loathing from her own family, also made me feel kindred. I identified with her in so many ways. Another important message, I'm sure as so many feel that they are the only ones that are going through their various trials.

I've been really discouraged about returning to work. I'm afraid for one of the first times in my life of working. I've enjoyed my time off and really wish it was going to have to come to an end, but as I approach my fourth year... I've been fortunate to have the time to rebuild the damaged relationship with K and we're closer than ever now. I couldn't have picked a more important time in her life either, I don't think. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have fears that I'm not going to be able to support her on my own, but it's never been a problem in the past. Once again, just a bunch of mind talk that's preventing me from moving forward in my decision making process, more than likely.

I've been working eight hours a week (whoah! don't wanna work up a sweat with all of this strenuous work stuff, right?) being a companion to a woman who's been put in a nursing home due to a series of strokes. She's physically capable, but just needs a friend, someone to spend time with. She's only 52! I've also been going over to my grandparents once a week and cooking them the weeks' meals and cleaning their house a little. Grandma is in her 90's and is deaf and going blind. This has been the only way that I've been able to regain entrance into their life since they've turned their back on me over seven years ago. I'll take what I can get. Then there's another little voice inside of me that says it's all a facade and if I don't say or do the right thing, it will all be lost anyway, so why am I pretending? Why am I doing this? Why? Because I still want and need a family as much as I want to say that I don't need one that acts this way.

Don't know how I'm going to make it through the summer without an air conditioner. I'll probably melt, I sit here in a pool of sweat with my overheated laptop resting on my legs. Yuck! I would love to run through the sprinklers right about now. I miss those days! Sticky popsicles dripping down my arm and then another quick run through the streaming jet of the Rainbird.

I've been continually improving my cooking skills. I can now say officially that I'd rather eat at home than out, because I usually can't find a place that can cook better than I can and am frequently so disappointed. The only thing I appreciate is not having to clean the mess up, but it never seems to be worth it enough to not just do it myself and enjoy the fruits of my labor. So I'm off to make another gourmet meal. Speaking of cooking and eating, my weight has really come up and I finally look normal. Lots of comments from others on how healthy I look and my boobs are finally back! Well, maybe not like back in the old days, but at least they fill a bra out now.

On that embarrassing note, I think I'll bow out and leave.

COMMENTS:

You have a beautiful voice and I love the way you write. Thank you for sharing... Are you back up north?
Posted by Kelly on Thursday, May 15, 2008 - 12:54 PM

My KayKay Birthday Sentiments

2007-12-19T11:38:00.000-08:00

Mikaela,

If I had my way, you would not have even come into existence. Of course, I could never have imagined thirteen years ago that you would bring so much pleasure, satisfaction and happiness to my life - even giving me a reason to live at times. You have increased my worth and value as a human and made me a better person.

You will always be my "baby", my "little girl", but today you cease being a girl to the world and begin your journey as a teenager, a young woman.

I know that you will continue to make me proud. You've done an outstanding job so far. I hope I can help make your fourteenth year of life (we've now past thirteen officially), one of the happiest you've had so far. You deserve it!

Happy 13th Birthday!

I love you - Mom

Education and a Pre-Birthday Tribute to MyKayKay

2007-12-15T05:53:00.000-08:00

In Northern California there is a program that is being implemented called Options that allows parents and their children to choose the school that they will attend. This seems to work remarkably well and seems to keep the schools accountable for providing top-notch education, credentialed teaching staff, a varied and up-to-date curriculum and after school programs that made me want to go back to school so that I could participate! Each year the schools would come by and solicit attendance by either showing up and presenting information or inviting parents/students back to their campus for an open-house presentation. Much of the focus still revolves around the STAR scores and how well each school performs on these evaluations. Schools and educators have really been subjected to the critical eye by parents (myself included) that are concerned that their children are being taught to take a test all year long. If the objective is just to raise test scores, the focus and pressure on the teachers was to make sure that the students raised those scores and therefore, that's where the teaching seemed to fall through the cracks. However, what I noticed with the school my daughter attended, was that programs were put into place to raise the scores through various other avenues. A yoga program was introduced to reduce stress level (ultimately driving test scores up), a bike club was introduced (with the same results among the students who particpated). So even though the focus has been on the scores and seems to be a scarey road to go down depending on how some schools have approached their goal of raising their scores, I was impressed with some of the school's outlined objectives, goals and programs to yield the same results. They were all too happy to share these goals, ideas and programs during the Options Presentation Days. I feel like Options was the perfect answer not just because we got to pick the school we wanted (which we happened to live in the territory anyway) but because it seemed like the schools worked so much harder because they knew that the parents would be picking the school that was best for their child (usually) and not just based on location. So all of this said... LA Unified School Districts have not caught on or implemented the Options program (you better believe that I'll have something to say at the PTA!)

I reviewed performance statistics for all middle schools in Azusa, Covina, Glendora, San Dimas and Claremont against my daughter's former middle school. The schools that we would be assigned to based on locale (areas my dad is looking at for our housing situation) are a full 200 points below the schools in Glendora for test scores! Teachers are not credentialed, a surprising percentage are teaching with emergency credentials or no credentials at all! I was surprised to see how much lower Royal Oak (one of the schools I considered for K.) was in comparison to Glendora middle schools. Overall, Sandburg and Goddard are head and shoulders above the rest of the schools, even though they are at max capacity in the student to teacher ratio. The max is 1:32, but one of their schools is at 32 and the other is at 34, I don't know how they can legally do that, because it's not supposed to be more than 32 ever. Interestingly, overall that ratio statistic usually reduces the test scores dramatically, however, for some reason, it hasn't affected Glendora middle schools at all. It's the first time I've ever seen that with the various research I've done using this website. (It's a government website with all sorts of demographics, even breakdowns on racial statistics and test scores broken down to race groups! Shocking, eh?) The website also shows parental education levels, socio-economic information and disciplinary issues (expulsions, etc.) that the school might have for the various years on its report. I think it's an awesome tool to research schools for kids.

NOTE: Website can be found at: www.cde.ca.gov
After you get on the California Department of Education's website, you will click on the Accountability Progress Report ing (APR) link. Then under the category of API Reports (Academic Performance Index) you will click on either School Level or District Level. Type in the name of the school or district you want to review and you're set.

So I've picked Sandburg or Goddard Middle School in Glendora for KK to attend. The only problem is I need a Glendora address, especially since there is no way they would accept an inter-district transfer with their 7th grade student to teacher ratio being so bad (that 1:32 and 1:34 statistic). So I'm seeking Glendora residents who will claim that my daughter lives at their address. Know of any off hand?

Here's where I would next tell my blog readers (because I have oh so many of them) what I bought for KK's birthday and Christmas... but in the off chance that my daughter reads my blog, I'm going to skip this for now. I will let you know that I ruined one very big aspect of a gift that I have planned for over a year. Since it's such a great surprise and I want to try doing it later, I'm going to keep it a secret and do the big reveal later.

Maybe here's where I will tell KK that Santa Claus isn't real. Yes, K's birthday THIRTEENTH birthday is on December 19th, Wednesday. and even though it may seem impossible, she still believes in Santa Claus! It's my fault, because we started celebrating so late and I wanted her to get the thrill and excitement of the full experience. So we went way out of our way to prove that he existed and now she's probably the only 12 year old that really holds out a small hope that he really exists. We put her bike on top of the roof one year because some kid told her that she was foolish to believe that SC was real. So I upped the ante and with the usual note that we write every year to her from SC, I wrote that there was a problem with his magic and he couldn't get the bike down the chimney so sorry. We put the bike up on the roof and leaned it against the chimney. That bought us belief for the remaining years. Even if she's faking it now, which she might be, it's probably because she thinks she won't get the presents from SC if she doesn't believe in him (that's what her other parent told her would happen). So in fear of losing the extra presents she keeps on... I think I'm going to break it to her this year so that she doesn't look like an idiot to her teenage friends. Then we'll keep implementing the SC traditions, for fun, not to keep the charade going. It was definitely fun while it lasted and has kept the game challenging for me.

She turns 13 this year. I can't believe it! She's been through so much the last couple of years too... I really want this to be special. A big huge thank you for sticking in with me and helping out with my illness and being a support even when I was a total idiot through my addiction. She's a real gem. I love you, my Michelle Moon, MyKayKay, Mikaela.

COMMENTS:

Don't believe it at ALL KayKay - I absolutely believe that there is a Santa Clause that lives in all of our lives. I am just not sure who he transforms himself into every year - but he surely does exist, but not in the way that everyone thinks he does. I like finding who he is hiding in every year - and each year I am suprised that I am one step behind him. Meaning, I suspect that he is going to make himself and his gift through one friend - and lo' and behold that there is someone else that he has transferred his magic through. I love the magical feeling of being suprised once again and believe this strongly and forcefully in my life. It might not be a jolly fellow - but the spirit that he transfers around in makes me see the twinkle in every SC's eyes in the mall and standing out ringing the bells - thinking maybe, just maybe I will catch him this year.
Posted by I am ninja! on Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 3:57 PM

Best of 2007

2007-12-09T08:46:00.000-08:00

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
Rarely drink and when I do, frequently by myself with dinner. But otherwise, I'd have to put a big vote in for Liza! Now she'll have to make a longer trip out of bed to tip one back with me.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Not just for the number of years, but truly, one of my favorite people this year... she's done so much changing herself and our relationship has changed so much this year... my sister, Jennifer. 34 years.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND
Never in my life would I have imagined these two... Valerie and Lorenzo. For the last three months we spent every day together - at least four hours per day. Then, before I moved down to LA, they let me move in with them. I'm going through V&L withdrawals right now. She has added me to her list of nightly calls (she calls her children every night before she goes to bed). Isn't that sweet? I'm like one of her kids now!

3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR
There were many. Many big decisions that I made that will have lifelong impacts on my life. But, a small one... fishing on the pier in Florida with my sister. Casting the line for the first time! It makes me smile to think about it again. I was giggling and having a blast.

4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR
There were quite a few of these as well. Hopefully I'll never have to repeat any of them again. Saying goodbye to T. even though very necessary was the hardest thing I had to do this year.

5) BEST HOLIDAY
A toss up between 1) Easter. I was with Joe & Jason and my daughter. I had one of the best makeovers I've ever experienced and thoroughly enjoyed my vacation to SoCal with three of my favorite people. 2) Thanksgiving. A last minute pre-Thanksgiving feast with Liza, we spent all day together shopping and cooking. Kay cooked her first Thanksgiving meal. I love Liza.

6) YOUR SONG FOR 2007
Regina Spektor - Braille

7) MOVIE FOR 2007
Since I watch over 500 movies per year, this is almost an impossible category for me. How did I come up with that number? K picks up 2 movies every day from Blockbuster, whether we need em or not! Most days I watch them, some days I've been doing other things, so I bumped the number down by a couple hundred. Disgusting, isn't it? I think I've just found a New Year's resolution in this category.
* Notes on a Scandal had some of the most fantastic acting I've seen this year
* The Prestige and The Illusionist both were entertaining and good box office twists
* The Dog Problem was entertaining and funny
* Turned out all of the documentaries I was going to list were all from 2006, even though I watched them in 2007. They also all have religious titles, even though one of them has nothing to do with religion. God Grew Tired of Us: The Story of Lost Boys of Sudan; Deliver Us From Evil; Jesus Camp; and the last one I thought of and saw as a new release this year, was actually from 2005, After Innocence. They are all fantastic documentaries.
* 1408 and Bug were both very scary, even though Bug was more of a mentally scary movie.

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH
Toby, even though we were already broken up. He even got me a Valentine and a birthday gift.

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP
I'm not sure about this one either... but for this year I would say Beth... in her I have a friend, a mentor, a confidant, someone who's loyal, trustworthy and really there for me this year even though she's thousands of miles away.

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN
I was sick on Halloween.

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR
My kitchen. I have passed up invitations out so that I could eat meals that I've prepared this year. The true treat would be to have someone that would set it up and clean it up when I eat my own creations. Otherwise, the restaurants from this year's trip to Jason & Joe's were all great picks, even Tito's Tacos and Hurry Curry. I can't remember the name of the Italian restaurant that was fantastic, but I will definitely be going back there when I visit them this month!

14) KISS OF THE YEAR
With someone I would actually care to not reflect on since there is no possibility of it ever occurring again. I've had more than enough of those kisses from that person. They were enjoyable while they lasted.

15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR
I've made lots of good decisions this year. The biggest decision, still remains to be seen whether it was the best decision, was cancelling my lease two years into five and moving back down to Southern California.

16) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK
I haven't been drunk this year.

17) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR
Gray's Anatomy - Watching DVDs of all of the Gray's Anatomy episodes Seasons 1, 2 & 3 with KK was one of the highlights of the year.
A close second and completely different is Dexter.

18) MOST LOYAL FRIEND
Beth

19) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR
Moving to Southern California. Although this has been the year of change for me. I have started and stopped school. I have moved roommates in and moved roommates out. I have ended a long-term relationship and moved him out of my home. In addition to a myriad of other major changes, I have decided to make a choice to live and requested the help of my family (huge thing for me) financially, physically and emotionally and will be seeking out new physicians to help me figure out what's wrong with me and how I can keep this body going for many more years. The move to SoCal was just to get closer to family so that they could help me easier.

20) BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD
I'm not going to even go here.

21) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION
Find a physician to partner with me on fixing my body and life.
Watch a few less movies and fill that space with one or two of the new hobbies I've just found. (see number 7)

We're in SoCal

2007-12-08T08:23:00.000-08:00

Well we're here. That's all I'm going to say. The rest is too anxiety filled, too discouraging and depressing to discuss right now. I need to wrap my head around it before I can blog about it. Just know that even though I appreciate my family and their help and "loving concern", that I can't stand them. It should really speak louder than words that I can't even blog about what's going on because I wouldn't even know where to start. Everybody send big wishes, prayers or whatever it is that you do that I get out of here and off this living room floor as my "new home" as soon as possible!

Can't afford the slum

2007-12-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

As I begin my apartment hunt in Southern California, I realize that the $900 per month I was paying for my partially remodeled huge commercial space in Oakland was an absolute steal. I had over 2,000 square feet, washer/dryer hookups, was convenient to fantastic public transportation. I complained about the state of the place as it was in the middle of construction, but it was a palace compared to the places I've been looking at.

My dad had me look at a place that wasn't suitable for his dead dog. He was trying to convince me that it was a great "starting point". He couldn't even walk into it, he wouldn't walk into it, that should tell you something.

Los Angeles County is so expensive! What the hell! Even in Azusa, I can't find a reasonable apartment for under $1,000. They're all crap, tiny, in bad neighborhoods and it's still $1,000!!!! Way out of our price range. My dad wants to spend around $700. He's having a cow that I want to add to the pot and spend around $900-1000, but I just don't see how else it's going to work.

Does anyone know of any secret rentals that I don't know about? What happened to the market here? I can't even imagine people having the incomes to be able support these places. Wages haven't gone up that significantly, if at all, how can people afford to live? I can't!

Looks like I'm stuck on my dad's dining room floor!

COMMENTS:

Welcome to my world! We got so lucky being able to rent from family who gives us a deal! I think Huntington was similar to here, our old apartment wasn't in a very good neighborhood and they still charged a lot. I think the 1 bedrooms (with a 1 car garage) were $1275 or so. Ridiculous right? Well...keep looking, and good luck, I think there are some steals out there, you just have to have your nose to the ground. What about sharing with someone...have you checked Craig's List for roommate wanted?
Posted by Darc on Friday, December 07, 2007 - 9:19 AM

I don't want to say it's an impossibility, but it's a lot harder to share a place when you have a child. Most people that have children have moved beyond the need to share a place I guess. Most people that are renting out there home to share do not usually want a child, especially a teenager (even though she is a fantastic, straight-A student and the most marvelous child to walk the face of the earth, right????) Anyway, the thought already crossed my mind. I tried doing that years ago when she was younger and the only person that was able/willing to rent to me/with me I would never have lived with! I also promised Mikaela after our last 10 or so roommate disaster/failures that we would never have a roommate again. Now, I'm not the kind of parent that thinks I can't go back on my word, I often tell her, that's life, sometimes things happen that we have no way of predicting or planning for and things don't always work out the way we say they will. So it's not like I'm saying I can't tell her I changed my mind or I'm doing it different than I said I would, but even for my own sanity, I'd probably like to keep that commitment. Once again, the type of people that need to share a rental with a single mom are usually not the type of people I want to be with (I think I'm probably the exception to the rule, and I also think that if I shared my story with people - I would be exactly the type of person that they wouldn't want to room with - of course, I'm not that person anymore, but that's most of the reason why I'm in this predicament to start with!) Otherwise, I'd be comfortably living in my condo in Claremont, paying a very reasonable mortgage in a newly remodeled, beautiful place and living with my daughter, each of us with our own bedroom.... I loved that place! Thanks for the suggestion, I have more news on it... had a chance to talk with my dad and change a little of the requirements, standards, so hopefully we'll be able to find a place. Please keep your eyes and ears open (and sorry to take so much of your comment space for my own "blog"!!!)
Posted by Joy on Saturday, December 08, 2007 - 9:47 AM

I dropped a bug in dad's ear about how the hunt was going - and he said that he wants to get you near the bus transports that work for you and kay and he said that he is changing his requirements - like it is all his brilliant idea. I called for you but he said that you were out doing laundry - what you can't use his?????? I am confused and need to speak to you!!
Posted by I am ninja! on Thursday, December 13, 2007 - 10:08 AM

"he said that he is changing his requirements"
Translation from Dad Speak into our language:
"I'm going to talk to Joy and convince her that she needs to live where I've told her to live, even if I don't end up helping out financially at all, she will still need to live in the specific area that I've defined. Even if that means that Mikaela will have to travel out of her way every day by about 2 hours, at least when she comes to visit me or I come to visit her it will be close by."

Something that he hasn't factored in is that I will probably only need his help 1-3 times per month. Whereas the things that Mikaela and I do are a daily thing. So whatever we're having to commute to that's an extra bus ride, or extra minutes, multiple that times 20-30 times per month. Whereas, if a commute to him is an extra bus ride or extra minutes, only multiple that by 1-3 times per month. He said that he's "disabled" and I need to consider him and Mikaela in this... I have... and I've also compromised a lot. I give up. He is never going to understand me... and it truly is like we speak two different languages. There's English and then there's Dad-speak. :)
Posted by Joy on Friday, December 14, 2007 - 11:48 AM

Save Pipsqueak’s Life - Pipi Needs a Home!!

2007-11-29T07:27:00.000-08:00

Pipsqueak is my approximately 18 month old, adorable female cat and the man that promised to adopt herhas backed out of the arrangement less than a week before my moving date. Needless to say, this puts me in an extremely difficult position as I cannot take her with me and if I take her to the Oakland pound, the worker there told me she will be put to sleep in three days. I can't stand the thought of her being killed.

Does anyone know of a person that wants this incredibly sweet, beautiful cat? Even if you don't... apparently Hayward and San Francisco have "no kill" policies at their shelters, but the person bringing them in has to have identification proving that they live in one of those cities and the animal has to be brought to the appropriate shelter. If someone lives in Hayward or San Francisco and can at least help me preserve her life by going in with me to use your residence as proof that would be a better alternative than what I presently have with her.

I have until Friday to make a decision (I might be able to stretch this out until Saturday if I can leave her in the vacant building, but the landlords might require me to turn in the keys on Friday - so at this point, I'm about 24 hours away from making a decision to kill my cat). PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

Joy Richards
510-482-8862

P.S. Don't e-mail back, as I'm not checking my e-mail very frequently with the move. My phone number will no longer be valid after Saturday. I'll keep you updated on new contact information as I get it. For now, I'm moving into the ranks of the homeless.

Good News! I think I’ve got a disease!

2007-11-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

I've never been so excited about hearing negative information before. Who else gets excited about the words, "You have a disease." Well, I am excited about it. Most of all I am excited that there might be a label, a diagnosis to the problems that no one seems to have the answers to and maybe I can stop this boat and slowly turn it around.

I received some information from someone yesterday that might be some positive info regarding my health and the diagnosis of why my symptoms continue to happen/get worse. Now it's just convincing my doctor. I don't know why doctors have such a difficult time accepting information that comes from a patient. You think they would be relieved that anyone has come up with an answer for something that they have been banging their head against the wall about with the lack of answer - even if that person is an "uneducated patient". But, it looks like I'll continue to be surprised by these little mysteries of life. So I get to spend the next part of this week gathering documentation for the illness I want her to test me for, because she doesn't think that it's possible that I have this illness. A simple test could clear that up, right? That's what I'm asking for anyway!!! She doesn't want to contact Medi-Cal to get the authorizations to get the tests done, because she's sure it's not the problem. So tell me then, doc, what is the problem?

She is not the GI Specialist anyway. I could throw up the fact that she's just a nurse practitioner and not even an MD, but that would be the same as what she's doing to me right now. It wouldn't serve any good other than delaying us from getting answers to this problem. She's been seeing more for over a year and she's just as puzzled by my malabsorption issues and continual weight loss as the GI specialist is… she's been more of an advocate for treating the other symptoms I have though and getting more tests run than the GI specialist ever was, so I tread carefully. She's been a real ally in the past, so once again, I'll be careful with giving her this information. I don't want to offend her or make her feel like I'm correcting her. However, she was really giving incorrect information about Celiac's Disease (the disease I want to be tested for) compared to the information I was reading. Basically, compared to what I was reading all of my symptoms match perfectly. She was concerned that I haven't had these symptoms since I was a child, that it should've been identified much earlier on in life. However, the material I was reading said it goes misdiagnosed until adulthood frequently and that a believed 97% of cases are undocumented and most cases are misdiagnosed as Chron's, irritable bowel disorder, depression and a myriad of other diseases and disorders, but Celiac's is frequently not labeled as the problem. It doesn't have a cure, it doesn't miraculously get better over night. It looks like the damage takes about 2-3 years to turn around and that even the slightest amount of gluten can create damage, so a completely gluten free diet is necessary and mandatory. Malabsorption, diarrhea, vomiting, edema/swelling are all key components. She just kept dismissing the symptoms as I was reading them off to her and continued to tell me that I am not absorbing protein, my sugar levels were so low that she said I should've been nearly dead when I was in her office (but she wasn't willing to accept that fact, instead she said she wanted to do the test again) which means I might not be absorbing sugars, I don't absorb fats or most vitamins and I burn through my daily dose of medication so that they're considering giving me a split dose (one in the morning and one in the afternoon so that I can process the medication better?) She's willing to talk to my clinic and give me a prescription for my dose though, which means that I won't have to go into my clinic three times per week to receive my medication doses, but instead will get a regular prescription and take my doses like a regular person with regular meds. It will also open up a broader spectrum of therapists and counselors to chose from since I won't just be relying on clinics to provide counselors, but can go to any therapist I chose whether they are associated with a clinic or not. It will also give me plenty of time to evaluate and assess the clinic and/or counselors that I will eventually choose to relocate to in Southern California. Since it's such a major part of my life, I want to pick the right one. HAART has been such a positive force in my life and Mark has been just what I've needed to help me do the work I've done over the last 18 months. I thought October 29th was my anniversary date and stand corrected. It actually was April that I first came to HAART and I transitioned to another stage of the program in October. So, my celebration of my one-year anniversary was a little late in coming, and in another five months I'll be celebrating my two year anniversary out of Hell.

COMMENTS:

i have heard of the disease! i miss you, sorry i have been MIA.
Posted by a. on Wednesday, November 14, 2007 - 1:25 AM

99.8... it's not my temperature

2007-11-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

On Thursday I went to the doctor to drop off a 24 hour catch of my urine and get a blood draw to see how much protein I'm passing directly through my system. It's one of the reasons why the edema in my leg is so bad - because of low albumin levels (low protein). Before I walked out they told me to jump on the scale... they wanted to get my height and weight before I left for the test. The numbers flicked up on the little eye-level register, 99.8. I jumped off the scale and got back on - 98.7. I did it one more time, 99.8. We logged 99.8, but I wanted to cry. I've officially passed the number that I felt was the big limit... dropping under 100 lbs. I'm starving to death literally. The doctors are calling me regularly now. I don't call them; they call me. I get about 2-3 calls per week from them, besides the scheduling crap. It used to be that if I had a test result or something they needed to discuss with me, I'd have to track them down... well, it's all reversed now. It makes me worried. Everyone is talking about new ideas because they don't have any ideas. I'm getting a new specialist, a "motility expert" (I have no idea what that is). And they can't find the opening to the mysterious afferent loop in my intestines, so that's what they're blaming all the problems on. "If we could only get into the afferent loop... there's probably infection in there and if we could open it up, you would probably be able to absorb fats, proteins, vitamins, minerals..." Of course, it would all be magically better, right? But they can't find it, can't get into it and isn't that convenient that all of my health issues with malabsorption are pinned on this one area that they can't find or resolve? I'm frustrated. I'm still throwing up and have constant diarrhea, but at least that doesn't keep me down for hours like it used to. I'm taking a lot more herbs and things and drinking juices throughout the day, which helps the nausea and the vomiting (at least from when I let too much time elapse between meals). Enough about health...

KK and I got in one of the biggest fights we've ever had this week. She blew up at me and said some of the harshest things I've ever heard her say to anyone. She used language that she's never used with anyone at me! She challenged me several times and I thought it was going to get physical at one point. I really didn't know what to do, it was so out of character for her and I knew that if I broke down or gave in that I would never be viewed as the parent or in charge again. So I maintained my ground, even though I wanted to give in. It was all over dinner - although, I know that really wasn't the issue. It was probably the fact that she has bottled her feelings on everything that has gone on around her for years and what do I expect? The feelings have eventually got to come out... well they literally blew out! She sat there with the dish in her hand (stuffed manicotti, delicious, I might add) and yelled at me, "What would you do if I just threw this on the floor right now?!?!" I told her that I would make her clean it up and we'd serve her up another helping on a plastic dish the next time, but that she was going to eat dinner. I don't think she liked that answer. She told me she F-ing hated my guts and that she didn't want to live with me anymore. She wanted to go live with one of her other parents or one of her friends; she couldn't stand to be around me. At one point during the fight the phone rang and I did the lowest thing and regret having done it, I told her, "Answer it, maybe it's one of your loving parents or one of your great friends", knowing of course that neither one of her parents has even returned her calls (she's called one of them so many times that it's not even funny... and no return call), much less would they be calling her out of the blue to say "hello" and she hardly ever gets calls from her friends unless it's for homework check or something. She started crying, I felt bad. I shouldn't have thrown a punch like that - just because she had hurt my feelings so bad (and she sure knows how to deliver those verbal punches). I told her towards the end that I wasn't feeling good and was going to have to go to the restroom and she yelled, "Do you want to know why you feel so bad?" I could tell from the tone in the question that it was going to be one of those accurately painful verbal punches again. I told her that I didn't want to know and that she could keep it to herself or share it with her therapist in their next session. After she ate her dinner, I made her sit close to me and I hugged her and she started bawling. She told me her head was spinning and crazy and she hated how she felt. I told her that part of it was just becoming a teenager and I remembered how awful I felt and how many times I ended up crying in my mom's bed and yelling at her that I hated my friends, but wanted them, hated my family, hated myself, wished I was dead, wished I didn't have to go to school and hated being myself. I told her she had a few more years of feeling this way... that there would be good weeks and bad weeks, but that it would eventually get better. That I loved her even if she hated me, but that she couldn't continue to treat me that way. I told her that what she said hurt me and we needed to be good to each other because we're the only people that each of us can really count on. I reminded her that I am her mother, not her companion or friend or peer. I apologized for my part in the fight. The next day was much better, but I'm still feeling a little gun-shy... ready for another explosion. We're both overwhelmed with anxiety, even exhaustion with all of the stuff going on preparing for the move. She also knows about all of the stuff going on with my health. It's possible that she's scared about it and doesn't know how to express her fear in any other way than anger right now. I just wish we weren't at this teenager stage right now. I need it like I need a hole in the head.

Today I'm going to work on trying to get homes for my cats. I've got to meet M. to have my life insurance policy beneficiary reassigned and because we're still not divorced she has to sign the paperwork. Also probably relist the large items on craigslist or E-bay and make some more money before I haul off all the remaining crap to the dump. I've invited a select few people to come over and "shop" out of the front part of the place. I've got so much stuff left over and the last thing I want to do is to PAY to have to THROW IT AWAY. That really sucks! The other thing that really hurts is to watch the tractor (or whatever the huge piece of machinery is) pushing your once precious items into the pile of garbage knowing that it could've been a useful part of someone else's home. I hate throwing out all of this stuff. Some of it is brand new, unopened things I've bought. It's weird though, some people even have a hard time coming over to pick up FREE things! It's like the other day, some guy at the clinic was robbed and I asked him what he needed to help him out while they were processing his claim at social security (they were going to reissue a check, but it was going to take a while). He said he had no transportation, that they stole his bus pass ID with his wallet. I told him that I couldn't give him money, but that I had an extra buss pass that I could give him (it's a $70 value!) I also told him that he would have to come get it. (He only lives about five blocks from my house and the counselors also volunteered to give him money for a bus pass to get from wherever he was at to me. I haven't received a phone call or seen him yet. I refuse to chase him down to give him this gift. Whatever! He must not need it that bad. There's been other examples of things just like that lately. I just don't get people that are in need that won't let themselves be helped. Or they ask for help sometimes and won't follow through on getting it. I wonder if I've ever done that in the height of my addiction or craziness? Probably and just never saw it.

So it looks like the departure date is going to be 12/21. Unless my brother picks another date. It's really all up to him, but that is KK's last day of school for the semester and I'd like to try and coordinate it so that she can complete the semester here. I still haven't told my landlords, but will probably do that in the next day or so. Anyone who is reading this, please hold big positive space for me to be able to say what I need to say to them and not falter. Also, not feel like a failure while I do it. I also wish for positive thoughts in their reaction and how they choose to proceed forward in letting me out of the lease (I'm 2 years into a 5 year lease contract). I think I have someone that wants to take over the lease "as is", which would be fantastic for them, but I can't count on any of it. All I can do is worry about my piece. I'd like to even think that MAYBE I could get my deposit back. I have invested so much money in this place, it would be so nice if for once it wasn't a constant drain out of my finances. If wishes were fishes...

My Life For Sale (AGAIN??)

2007-11-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we had the sale. Whatever you call it… it was basically an indoor garage sale where everything but the couches that we are sleeping on until the end of our move and the clothes on our back was for sale. At one point, things were going so fast and so cheap that I had a little panic attack and started bringing stuff back in so people couldn't buy it. It reminded me of the people that I laugh at on the show Clean House… I promised I wouldn't do it, and here I was… trying to prevent people from buying my junk. Sunday I had a total meltdown. There weren't very many customers in the morning and I had convinced myself that it was going to be a wasted day and that I was going to have to pay the dump to take my junk now. I cried and wished that I had been more accepting of the offers that were made on Saturday and felt overwhelmed and anxiety ridden for all of the things that were left on my list to get rid of or do and it just seemed like an impossible mountain to transverse. Then people started showing up and I started giving items away for free. Buy something and don't forget to "take a goodie". It felt so good. Everyone was leaving with a smile. I gave away a couple of furniture items that weren't worth anything anyway, but I was going to have to pay to dump them. I sold a few big items and pulled my refrigerator and oven off the sales list so that I could at least continue to cook until I leave (that removed some stress about whether I was going to have to move into a hotel right before I moved or not). My dad came up with a different plan for the actual move where I won't be packing up with my sister and driving back to LA, but instead my brother and his wife will be driving my remaining items to LA in a moving truck and KK and I will take a plane and not have to worry about hauling my sick butt down there in a moving truck and pulling over every 30 minutes. That adjustment in the plan was another HUGE RELIEF! I still have to tell my landlords that I'm going to be violating the lease and moving out, but it looks like I might have someone that is ready to move into this place "As Is" and take over the lease. That would be so awesome and incredible and would make me feel like I didn't completely fail everyone and leave them with a huge mess to handle. For the last couple of weeks we've been talking about my health and how bad it's become, I think they finally get that it's serious and they'd have to be pretty moronic to not think that it's affecting my "job" (or whatever it is they think I do here). I've all but told her that I haven't really worked for the last two, almost three years because of my declining health and yesterday I had to abandon the phone conversation because I started vomiting, after she got me crying about disclosing to her that my doctor has started using words like "death" and "dying" in some of the conversations we're having lately. I've been assigned a new specialist, but don't know if I'll have a chance to see him before I make the move. I did find out that I have an H-pylori infection that needs to be treated in my intestines (not the first time I've dealt with this) and that they couldn't explore the afferent loop they were looking for (the place where they believe is where I'm having most of my intestinal problems because they think the opening to it is swollen shut. That would also describe possibly why I'm in full-blown malabsorption (not absorbing any nutrients, fats, proteins, vitamins, etc) – and basically starving to death even though I continue to eat. I still haven't found homes for my cats, but I did find a referral to a cat rescue called hopalong.org. I need to call them and find out how it works and if it's going to be a working possibility for placing them. In the meantime, I continue plugging along everyday organizing, packing, cleaning and giving "goodies" to various friends and acquaintances. It's been nice when they feel that they can contribute something back for the "gifts" that I'm giving them (after all, I paid for all of these things and could really use the money … but I'm mostly just glad that I don't have to pay to have my stuff thrown away at the dump – that really SUCKS!) I'm thinking of calling all the various people that owe me money and asking them to think about paying off their debts. I've never done that before, but maybe it's time. I don't know. I hate money issues between friends and hate that some of the situations have come to this awkward stage where I would need to remind someone that they owe me and that I need it now. Before I leave, I'd like to have a party or a picnic or something to say goodbye to everyone. I've become really close to some people that I barely knew a few months ago. Quality people that have really put their lives on hold to spend every single day with me helping me get ready, taking me to doctor's appointments, talking with me on the phone about KK flipping out on me the other day and telling me she hated me. This couple has started begging me to stay now that I'm reorganizing some of the things in my life. In other words, move out of this commercial space and into a real apartment, get a new doctor and specialist, but stay in the area. That's just not an option right now, I need more help and more support than what Oakland has to offer me right now. Mark, my therapist, asked how it felt to be gaining friends (new people have been crawling out of the woodwork showing the most awesome support and love I've ever seen – from strangers even!) and then turning around to leave. I told him that as much as it hurt to be developing these close relationships knowing that I am leaving at the end of the year, that it felt fantastic… that I was leaving Oakland and it hadn't been a complete waste. If I was leaving and felt that I could just set a match to it all and wanted to run away from it completely, than I would've felt like the last three plus years were just a waste. That I met a bunch of people that took advantage of me and got over on me and showed me a really shitty way of life. But instead, amidst all of the shit and garbage, I've managed to secure some really good friends, I've learned about my strength of character, I continue to demonstrate and have the opportunity to really test and improve one of my primary life goals and lessons of authenticity (I don't know if I'll ever really get that one down completely, but damnit, I'm going to keep trying and stop being a chameleon to all people, stop being what I think everyone else wants me to be – I'm Joy and I like me!) As I mentioned earlier, KK and I had a huge blowout this week. It was shocking. She's never stood up to me before and it scared me. She was swearing and yelling and saying some of the most hurtful things I've ever heard her say. She almost broke me. I know that we're just approaching the beginning (she's not even 13 yet)! It really scares me because she's such a good girl normally – a straight A student, responsible, polite, and very mature… but I'm sure she holds a lot of stuff in. She has to – look at all she's been through. Both of her "fathers" have rejected her. One lives less than five miles away and won't even call her hardly but once a year, and really he calls to talk to me, not her. The other one, is no longer her father, but her mother. She struggles to get attention from her to and has difficulty getting that parent to return phone calls or see her on a regular basis. I can't imagine what that kind of rejection must feel like. All she wants is a dad and she can't get one. Then she has me. I left her about three years ago to go start a new career (in the safe hands of the parent that had her own agenda, not KK's at heart –we both were being selfish and not really thinking of KK at all in the mix) and ended up with a mess of a life and pulled her right into it. I knew I had to take care of her, but I can't imagine what it felt like coming into my drug-addled world a couple of years ago. Well, now it's been over a year of "clean-time"… she still beats me over the head with the past, hell, I do too. I just hate that she has that weapon… it's so unfair. I'm the one that's been here for her really the whole time, consistently. It hasn't always been perfect, but I've tried and now everything is basically for her. I'm sure that my health is really scary to her too. Maybe the anger is really her fear that I'm not going to be here for her, I don't know. She won't discuss it. She sees a therapist once per week, but it's all pretty tight-lipped about what happens in therapy. I know that she's really glad we're moving and even gladder that it's to So Cal. We can't get out of here quick enough for her taste. I just wish she'd cut me a little slack once in a while, tells me I'm a good mom. I need the reassurance, not just the complaints. I love her; it's her and me against the world at times. It's so different being a single parent with one child too. It's a totally different dynamic and really hard to convince the child they are not "an equal", when so often they feel like they're a partner in the relationship.

Anyway, enough for today. There's so much more to get everyone caught up, but I've got to get my day started, breakfast and lunch for KK and off to see Mark. Until next time!

Amidst the chaos and madness, a light at the end of the tunnel

2007-10-24T15:10:00.000-07:00

Could this week get any crazier? I sit here listening to my landlord wringing out the mop in the loft above my head. She's mopping up pee-water. The pipes from the apartment have sprung a leak – again!! I think that makes six times since I've moved in. And get this… slumlords that they are… I ask them on Monday, when it originally happened, what the tenant was going to do about using the restroom, because he only has one bathroom. She said, "Oh, he can use the sink or the shower or something." To which I replied, "What about if he has to have a bowel movement?" Because she said they wouldn't be back until Wednesday to fix the leak. Was she expecting him to not have a BM until Wednesday? No, of course not! She said he could use the next door neighbor's bathroom! Did it not occur to her that she should be offering him a motel room? Of course not! If I wasn't totally violating my lease by living in this place, I would be suing the crap out of them right now for damaging my place, for inconveniencing me… this is an ongoing problem and has ruined stuff every time! She just continues scrubbing, making it seem like it's really not as bad as I think it is. Gallons of unsanitary water all over the floor is a huge problem! I asked her when she was cleaning it up to add bleach to the water. She said, "Do you really think that it will be necessary?" Yes, I F-ing think it will be necessary! It's shit and pee! What do you think? How about I go into your house and dump gallons of sewage all over your stuff?!?! I can't wait until I move out of this place! It's making me feel less and less horrible about violating the five year contract and leaving early. Who else are they going to get to rent this dump?!?! They have been fortunate to have a renter in here that has paid rent on time for the past two plus years and not complain about anything that's gone or the substandard living conditions. Of course, I'm not supposed to be living here, but they are substandard conditions for operating a business out of as well. I couldn't run a business with water constantly spilling in through the roof and the extended repair times. Then her husband comes in today and says they are going to have to leave it open (the hole in the roof to expose the plumbing and let it dry out) and the tarps down for the next week and they'll be back in to repair it then. What does he think I'm supposed to do with my "company" until then? It's obvious that they are closing their eyes to what is really happening here. Maybe they just think I store stuff here. I managed to totally disassemble the bedrooms once again in under three hours and make this place look like we don't really live here. It did help me accomplish several tasks to realize my final goal of moving out by the end of the year. Because I used to have to tear it all apart and then turn around and put it all back together when they left.

My old roommate came by today to pick up "a few of her clothing items". She can't take all of her crap because she still can't even find a shelter to live in. I really don't want to keep housing her junk, but soft-hearted person that I am, I let her come get a few of her things and offered her some peanut butter and bread and stuff to send her on her way. She asked for money again (just a few bucks for the last two days in a row), but I told her I didn't have any to give her. Yeah me! I'm tired of all the beggars in Oakland! I must've been approached by at least 20 people yesterday asking for money. What is the deal?!?! Go away! I don't have any money to give you and I'm not giving you any even if I had some! I don't have a cigarette for your stash either, so don't ask! I feel like it's way worse here than it ever was in Southern California. Either that or it's the particular route that I take to the clinic, but I'm telling you that by the time I get to the Eastmont Transit Center for the connecting bus, I'm ready to scream!

I let KK decorate our windows yesterday with all of our Halloween decorations. It looks so cool! I'm so glad I let her do it. I wasn't going to, but someone else brought it up and it brought her so much pleasure and we've talked about doing it every year, but haven't done it. It was fun, we had an awesome time and it looks great!

Landlord just came down, the floors are probably not going to dry out for a day or two and they'll be back next week, probably Saturday to make the repairs, is that convenient? NO!! It's not convenient at all! What would they say if their business operation had that sort of interruption? (They run a couple of other businesses besides owning slums in Oakland out of San Francisco). They would never allow something like this to happen. She wouldn't even let me put a stinking plant out in the back yard because someone might steal it or trip on it… the liability… or whatever she was going on about, she just didn't think it was a good idea, even if I submitted it for approval in advance! What a fricking idiot! I hate them!

I went through all of storage area up above the front main windows yesterday. With the help of three friends we tackled through all of the crap up there and managed to undertake a project that would've probably taken me weeks and put me in a huge funk. They just helped me plow through it and didn't give me time to really process it even emotionally, thank goodness! It was all of the ex's old stuff and all of the bad/good memories, mostly bad feelings that came up with it. It was exhausting mentally and emotionally. I'm so glad they were there for it. I couldn't have asked for better support. There was one point where some new person that is in my life that was helping out was making judgments about the ex and name-calling though and I found myself getting really defensive, not just of my ex, but of myself. I thought it was really in poor taste for him to be so openly critical of someone that he had never met and didn't know and to make judgments that were absolutely unfounded and untrue. It was mean and cruel and made me really uptight. I'm not sure I like this particular quality in this individual! Although, I really won't have to worry about it, because I'm SoCal bound!

It looks like the end of the year will mark my stay here. I've given it a good solid run and I'm going back home to get a fresh start, try to regain my health and some new perspective on life. I have more of a support system down there anyway, especially of older friends that have known me prior to the stupid mistakes I've made over the last few years that I'm still recovering from. Hopefully, we'll be able to pick up where we left off (or not far from it). I could really use the positive influences and friendship and adult conversation (because it's pretty much me and KK most of the time lately) right now in my life.

I had my upper and lower GI done last Friday. The specialist said he "couldn't find" the afferent loop that he was looking for (this is a particular junction that they can see in an xray, but apparently can't find with the scope going either direction. Did he just not look hard enough or long enough? I have no clue! This is the same doctor though that has yet in the last year that I've seen him (every two weeks!) to remember me completely or to remember to put the quantity and/or the mgs on the prescriptions that he writes. The pharmacy said that he never gets any of his prescriptions written correctly, it's an ongoing problem. When I got to my appointment, which I had already starved myself for 24 hours for… he delayed it for another three hours do to a conference that he hadn't planned correctly in his schedule and then when he was getting ready to say goodbye, the nurse reminded him that had a "double" still to do. "Really? Who?" They informed him that it was me and he said it was wrong, I wasn't supposed to be there. I basically put my foot down and demanded the procedure, it was the second time he had rescheduled me and he's so brain-rattled anyway that I decided I really needed the procedure whether he remembered it or not. He woke me up during the procedure, which is pretty painful and if someone can "sleep" through it, the doctor probably should let them. The reason why??? Because he wanted to inform me that I hadn't "prepped" right and that I still had shit inside of me, pointing to the monitors and the stuff that was showing on the inside of my intestines. Why was that necessary? I couldn't do anything about it anyway right then!!! And wasn't that the reason why I was there to begin with???? I have paradoxical diarrhea and it means I'm full of shit all of the time! Maybe he should've known as a specialist that I would need to prep with twice the amount of stuff or several days in advance. Regardless, I thought it was pretty stupid that he wake me up to blame me! Needless to say, I'm switching GI specialists. I've been seeing him for a year, I'm still losing weight, my symptoms haven't gotten any better, (most of them worse!) and our personalities totally conflict. Not to mention that I think he's a totally incompetent moron that can't remember anything. He gets annoyed with the stuff continually and his favorite line is "What did I forget this time?!" (usually said in a very annoyed and sarcastic tone to one of the helpful people that's trying to cover his ass and help out and he's annoyed that they've caught him in another forgetful error). I mean, when you start getting like that you should RETIRE! The switch will happen either while I'm still up here or definitely when I move… it's not like I'll miss him or even attempt to commute to see him.

I will miss my Mark. He's going to start looking for a replacement clinic and counselor starting this week. I don't know how I'm going to make it without him. He's really become a friend, even though he's a professional… I can't really separate and have been sad at times that I'm limited to my professional visits with him. I'd like to know him on a personal level and "do lunch" with him or go places with him and his partner. Many weeks have been measured out in Tuesdays (my visits with him are on this particular day of the week) and I know that I'll make it another week if I can just make it until the next Tuesday. Hey, whatever it takes to get through it sometimes, right?

My dad has offered to help out in the relocation. I was a little worried at first, but it looks like he's also picked a town that will allow me a little bit of distance and will also mean that KK won't be going to school with her cousins. I also think that will be a positive so that she doesn't feel like she has to change her life to fit into their "way of life". She had already made some suggestions to that affect and I stopped her in her mental tracks immediately and said there would be none of that. I refuse to raise her in the shackles that I broke free of… I couldn't/wouldn't do that to her and will support her if she chooses to pick that at a later time in her life, but I will not fetter her with the emotional constraints, the conditional love that was taught to me throughout my life. I learned very early on, that in order to be accepted that I was going to act a certain way. All it taught me was duplicity and a lack of honesty and authenticity. I'd like to teach her to be herself, whatever that may result in.

I've been cleaning out this place in huge leaps and bounds. It's been emotionally uplifting and exhausting, but strangely, even with the physical symptoms not decreasing, they're not keeping me down all day like they usually do. I've had an incredible amount of energy that has been sustaining me. It's all of the positive steps I've been taking… it feels like I'm moving in the right direction, doing the right thing. It feels like this is the fresh start we've been looking for and didn't know we needed.

I just finished this book, Saving the World (appropriate title for me, eh?) Fantastic, but probably because I just felt that there were many fitting themes and I really liked the fictional Spanish woman brought to this otherwise true story who watched over the orphans with the smallpox vaccination bringing them to the various parts of the world. Isabel's my hero!

My Life For Sale

2007-10-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today I spent a couple of hours listing over a hundred DVDs on half.com. Tomorrow I'm having an estate appraiser come out and help me (she's a friend of mine) assess whether I really have anything here to sell or what the cheapest method of disposing all of my property in my place of residence is going to be. I'm closing shop. I can't take it anymore. I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow and going to start taking inventory at school, at home, at the clinic of what I need to do to start over again. I'm having a meltdown in a big way and I'm giving in to it. Maybe it will be better when I start over from scratch, one thing's for sure I'm not going forward the way things are presently, I'm stuck. Stuck in the most profound way.

Today I stepped on the scale and weighed myself. That was a mistake 103. Only four more pounds until I'm at my dread weight. (Dread weight, dead weight, same difference, eh?) At least my friend from Tennessee offered me a place to live in her extra house today. I know I won't be homeless, but I can't move anywhere until the state settles their suit with me. I was told last week that it could be another year to two years. I will go insane if I have to wait two more years in this hell. I literally can't make it. I don't have the way of supporting myself that long and it won't matter how many videos I sell or what furniture I pawn off.

If anyone wants a drum set, a violin, an electric piano, an almost new stainless steel refrigerator, a professional paint sprayer only used once, a professional air compressor, a professional.construction site generator, a loft bed, some antique dressers and dressing tables and three Sony 300-disc changers, 2,000 t-shirts and a four color press (hell there's probably more stuff than that, I just can't think of it all right now)... please know that if nothing else I could use a helping hand in disposing of this stuff and could always take a cash donation if you feel obliged or able. If not, at least I won't have to pay the dump fee for it. (It always sucks to have to pay to dump your belongings, eh?) I can't exactly put an entire household's worth of junk out on the sidewalk though and pretend like it's not mine. Might be able to get away with a couch or a mattress at best.

... to be finished later.

No Vacancies

2007-10-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hotel Bigg Tuna is officially closed. I've been without my roommate for almost a week now. That was hell and never to be repeated again. I will figure out how to handle my living situation without adding a roommate.

That being said, I also am going to begin a process of getting rid of everything. Much like a slash and burn. I just can't see doing it any other way. There's so much shit here that I'm probably going to say any item over $500, I might make an attempt at selling via Craig's List or something, but otherwise it's probably Dumpster City for the remaining things in my home. I'm talking everything. I'd like to consolidate my life down to a suitcase or two.

After I'm finished with the slash and burn, I'm going to reevaluate whether I'm going to stay in this place or not. I just don't see spending anymore money on it. Then again, I've never left a project of this size for anyone. I don't know what they can do to me (the landlords), but it's a scary thought - and I'm not just talking from legal aspects, but even my issues with abandoning projects.

The cats are fighting with each other continually. I have three now. I don't need any. Does anyone want a nice cute cat? KK will probably hate me, but at least they'll be with friends. The two females are at each others' throats night and die. I hear a low growl emminating from Pip during all of her waking hours as Bella stalks her throughout the house. Bella definitely has to go. Once again... does anyone want a nice cute lovely cat? I don't think I have a pic of Bella up, but she's an Oriental Shorthair, very needy (wants to be held and cuddled all of the time) and she even fetches like a dog! She's a little older than three and is fixed. I don't have her papers, but I can get them (she's a pure bred, but she's fixed, so I never worried about getting her papers).

School has become really overwhelming with all of this stuff that's exploding at one time. I'm either going to do fantastic (all A's) or I'm going to do horribly (all F's). That may seem pretty overdramatized and impossible, but it isn't. I'm turning in A quality work and all of my professors are pretty happy with me, but some of the projects are pretty huge (like the one I'm taking a break from right now). If the Professor had only told us about this project 6 weeks ago, I'd probably not be freaking out like I am right now. Oh well, I've dropped all the classes I can officially drop without returning my grant money, so I've got to make this work.... or else!

I managed to get rid of the RV, I think. It was more of a headache than I could handle, so I basically got $175 for it and the person is going to go get it and put a battery in it and figure out how to get it home. At least I don't need to try and figure out how to incorporate that vehicle back into my life. Whew!

I feel like everything is so disorganized and crazy, how did it get so bad? I know how, but I can't imagine how I let it get so bad. Probably because I didn't think I'd make it this far into it, but I guess the will to live outlasts my need to self-destruct.

Amidst all of this I have two men that are interested in me. Something that I can't even imagine in my life right now. It makes me ask the question, "What's wrong with them?" that they would want to be in my life right now. Seriously. Someone I was speaking to yesterday was talking about quitting a company and we likened it to a divorce. This person said he would question any company that would hire him in this state right now. Like if they were interested in him while he was bitter, angry, resentful, crazed... well what kind of opportunity or company would they be really? That's exactly how I feel about these suitors right now. Not to mention that I'm just not into the groove at all. I feel like jerking away at the slightest touch. Yet, I don't want to lose friends and both of them have been good friends to me. I'll have to think about this some more and am definitely open to suggestions.

I just want my life to normalize. I want me and Mikaela to be in a neat, clean space that I can manage and don't feel like the world or a project could make my life spin apart. I want to have friends. Friends that respect me and my time and where I'm at and how emotionally, physically and spiritually fragile and sensitive I am at this moment.

I really wished I owned a time-reverser right now. I'd go back and change so many things I've done, but I'm putting the past away. Tucking it in bed and letting it sleep. It will always be there, I can't make it go away, but I can quit playing with it and rousing it in its monsterous state.

I don't want to be younger (at least I don't think I do). I just want peace. Peace definitely.

Peace out.

One whole week without nudity!

2007-10-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

It's been almost one whole week and my roommate hasn't been picked up by the police or been caught running down the sidewalks of Oakland naked. Of course when I met her I had no idea how much medication she was on, nor did I know the disasterous ramifications of missing three weeks of it and then going back on it again. It sounds like a rollercoaster and it sure has been one. I feel like I've had a baby, except it's 5'6" and slurs when it talks. A few nights ago I had taken to sleeping on the couch downstairs just so that she wouldn't sleepwalk out the front door naked or worse (at least worse to me and my family) leave the house with the front door wide open to Oakland and all the creeps of the night. I've smartened up while I'm figuring out how I'm exactly going to proceed forward in the matter and sometimes I lock the bottom bolt or put multiple pieces of furniture in front of the door (apparently just the action of having to move the furniture wakes her up enough so that she realizes she's sleepwalking and she goes back to bed). She's also put me in charge of her medication (which I feel she's horribly over-medicated) and I've been giving her aspirin and Tylenol instead of her Ambien and Ativan. She doesn't need so many downers and I think her doctor is insane for putting her on all the medication he's got her on. It's enough to put a large elephant out. She's on 600 mg of Seroquel, 40 mg of Paxil, 145 mg of methadone, 12.5 mg of Ambien, 2 mg of Ativan, 300 mg of Wellbutrin and 20 mg of hydrocortisone (now she's on two different kinds of antibiotics as well for the STDs she's contracted from our local "neighbors". They've been so kind to help her out.). That's the dosages if she takes what she's supposed to, if she goes through an "episode" like she did last week and forgets and starts taking multiples (multiples isn't exactly two and three it's more like 10 and 20) then we really have a problem like we did last weekend when she was looking for our house on her way back from the doctor and there were "helpful" men crawling out of the woodwork. She's got gonorrhea now. I can't take it anymore, but I feel like I need a period of at least four hours of coherency on her part before I can ask her to start packing her stuff. She needs to be in a 24 hour care facility, one that can administer her medication to her and keep her awake during the day and make sure she stays in bed and asleep at night. I'm not a nurse, nor am I an adult foster parent. I don't need this responsibility added to the things I'm already having difficulty maintaining in my life. I also don't need the kind of attention that she draws from our neighbors or anyone else (like the landlords). I've even begun to worry about the house burning down. Normally this would be a pretty irrational concern, but not living with E. She's got cigarette burns in her bed and even if she promises that she's not going to smoke in her room... in the heavily medicated state she doesn't honor any promises and usually doesn't even remember lighting the cigarette, which is the reason why I'm worried about the house burning down. KK has been hiding her cigarettes at night and we have her convinced that she's "misplacing" them every evening. I can't imagine it's going to work much longer, but hopefully we won't be dealing with this much longer. Nobody needs to give me any advice. I know what I need to do. I can't believe it's actually this bad. It's like from the craziest movie I've ever seen. I couldn't write fiction this wild. I really can't imagine living her life. I can't imagine that she's made it alive this long. She's in her 40's and it truly is amazing that she's managed to escape death with all of the drama and life threatening behavior that she's encountered, had brought on her and brought on herself. I just want to get out of the picture because I don't need any of those things in my life, not even through association. She's sitting next to me right now watching a movie between nod-outs and has a paper towel applied to her bleeding knee. I asked her what happened, she said "I was down on my knees looking for Pipi (the cat)." Her knee is gushing blood. What the hell?!?! She is a walking accident. And more than the intrigued person that can't look away, I want to get out of the way before I get involved in one of the "accidents".

Extra time for Joy

2007-10-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

I want 25 hours in a day. You can all stay at 24, but I get 25... one extra hour for me so I can get caught up. You see the way that I figure it, is if we gave the whole world the extra hour we'd still have the same problems. While we're at it... I want 8 days too. You can all stick with 7. I'm taking 8. Oh, and I'd want to pick a couple of people that could share the experience with me, like KK (because I'd need a little midget to help me get my chores done) and maybe a friend or two just in case I moved out of "chore mode" and actually got to use the time for having fun. What do you think, Jen? Want to join me in my request for extra time?

Knocked up and no abortion available

2007-09-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'll bet I got a few of my friend's attention with this title! No, not me! Take a look at this article:

http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm/dyn/aid/3211/context/archive

This article discusses the blatant removal of abortion as an option from the script of the summer run blockbuster movie "Knocked Up" starring Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen.

So what was the message?

* Go and get irresponsibly blackout drunk because you're celebrating a job promotion.
* Drive drunk, why get a designated driver when you can have your newfound drunk boyfriend drive you or, better yet, drive yourself! You know the way!
* You can have unprotected sex with strangers. Or better yet, you don't even have to know their name; at least you have a condom just in case.
* Taking advantage of the legal system and possibly the welfare system is ok as long as you're living with a bunch of loser/stoner friends doing the same thing.
* Live in damaging marriages for the children's sake and backtalk behind your spouse's back to everyone you know.
* Girl's night out and boy's night out is okay, especially when you're angry with your partner.
* Taking illegal drugs is an even better option to handling this stress, especially while driving to Las Vegas so that you can possibly risk losing your driver's license and your life (or someone else's)
* Get into a long-term relationship with someone you have nothing in common with because you have a few minutes of sex that culminated in the merging of some cells. A few minutes of fun = at least a 20 year commitment, think about it folks!

I could go on and on about the poor moral values that this movie forced upon the audience... yet there is one thing that they brushed over and never returned to... as one of the characters would say in the movie, "rhymes with smushmortion". They can't even say the word; much less discuss the possibility that it should be a valid and worthy option to be considered under the circumstances. It would be one thing if this movie was an anti-abortion flick that promoted a host of good family values and a couple that had been dating for years that came from a religious background and were having difficulty deciding what to do. We've seen a host of these movies. Being an 80's child I distinctly remember a Molly Ringwald version of this theme in For Keeps? Once again, a little different when the presentation of the baby is brought in a different context. The only moral lesson I learned from Knocked Up, which sounds seedy just from the title is lead a life of corruption, forget your morals and values, but don't you dare kill that fetus! What kind of message was the filmmaker really trying to promote with this film? Who was behind this bullshit? Does this offend anyone? Are our country and the women being represented by our country okay with this anti-abortion outlook? Are we afraid of using the word "abortion" now? When is it okay to consider abortion as an option? What about entertainment, do we want to be fed messages like this promoting these ideas throughout the country like they are acceptable to us?

COMMENTS:

I laughed my ass off during the movie - remind me never to watch a movie with you if my brain is not going to grow.

Remember the Little Mermaid debate from Jeff?????

You get NEGATIVE 20 kudos on this one - let me enjoy my movies and go build your morality building blocks some where else - I am trying to laugh here.

thpppphhhhhhh!!!!
Posted by I am ninja! on Monday, October 01, 2007 - 10:11 AM

Smoke Free

2007-09-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm five days cigarette free! Yeah Joy!

There's another drug I've been more worried about. It comes in the form of human and has a name. I talked with Mark about it because I've felt the strange urge to call and just get a taste. Just one time and it would be purely physical. That's when I realized that he's just like a drug addiction and I need to treat him that way. I can't even try it once. I can't even think that I could get away with it one time. Even the sneaky subversive behavior associated with wanting to get together with him... thinking that I wouldn't tell anyone and that noone would need to know. Drug-like in every way! Say nope to Dope (head)!

I have two exams today and two this weekend. Ugh! I have a professor that is running one of my online classes that hasn't responded to even one of my e-mails in over three weeks. Gee I wonder if there's a problem?!?!

Oh, and even though KK is being a total pill she is awesome, I love her! She's my smart girl! See for yourself:

Term Class Instructor Current Score
2007-08 T1 WORLD HISTORY 7 Mr. Jensen 93.23% = A
2007-08 T1 ENGLISH 7 Lord 100% = A
2007-08 T1 EXPLORATORY 7 Ms. Martinez 100% = A
2007-08 T1 GEN SCI 7 Ms. Martinez 99.17% = A
2007-08 T1 PE 7 Mr. Martinez 100% = A
2007-08 T1 MATH 07 Ms. Velasquez 94.92% = A

Too cool, huh?

I saw Bug last night and was pleasantly surprised by the incredible acting abilities of Ms. Judd. She gave a spectacular performance and it was not the horror movie that I thought it was going to be, but a glimpse into the crumbling psyche of a middle-aged woman living in a motel. Watch it!

Sleep Deprivation Termination

2007-09-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks or so I've been running on almost zero sleep. There have been days where I've slept for two to three hours and a couple of days where I've managed to get into bed, but didn't ever go to sleep. Today I finally went to the doctor and sat there for four hours so that I could beg for sleep meds. I saw my GI specialist who with his one-track focus on diarrhea could not possibly talk about my sleep problem. I finally saw a triage nurse who said she would take my concern to my regular physician and have her call me today. I got a call from them an hour ago saying that I could come pick up the prescription (apparently they're too busy to fax it or call it into the pharmacy). One more night of sleeplessness I guess. At least tomorrow there will be an end to this madness. I can't take it anymore; I'm verging on delirium. I'm completely irritated and feeling like the world is coming apart. I know if I just had some sleep, my head would quit burning and my mouth would lose the metallic taste and things would appear a little sunnier and not so grim. I'd probably stop the crying for no apparent reason also. My philosophy professor woke me up this week. I immediately reached for my mouth wondering if I a trail of drool had begun it's decent to the desk. I was in luck there, but I wondered if I had snored out loud or was it just the continual crossing of the eyes as the lids got heavier and heavier, continually struggling to stay open and then finally completely giving in to the sweet surrender of sleep. He made some comment about me not being present for the entire class. I think all things considered that my ability to stay awake through his dry, repetitive lectures until the last ten minutes is nothing short of a miracle! I still don't know what medication will be the magic elixir that will produce the much needed rest, I've heard Ambien should do the trick, but would settle for a kick in the head if it yielded the same results.

A side comment for the last episode of Grey's Anatomy - The Third Season. I identify completely with Christina as she begs for Meredith to cut the wedding dress off of her. That has felt like my life for the last year or so. (Hell, it's probably been the theme of my entire life!) When I realized that I was completely in the wrong "place", I couldn't get out of it quick enough. I felt confined and trapped and ran into Mark that day I had that crazy dream and said, "This isn't my boyfriend. This isn't what I want. This isn't my life anymore." I cried just like she did. I sounded just like her. It had the same strange pitch to it even. The choker that she was wearing and the waxed eyebrows. And she would've continued forward had he not stopped her by breaking up with her. I feel that I was strangely on a similar path. Going along with the program thinking that I was doing it for the right reasons, that if you love someone you continually sacrifice (I've done it so many times, so often). But, the new lesson for the new Joy is NO MORE SACRIFICE - AUTHENTICITY!!!! I need to be Joy first, then worry about the rest later.

COMMENTS:

Grey's Anatomy is my favorite show; I can't tell you how many times I've had a moment where I've completely identified with someone or something that's happened... but anyway, yes, yes, yes, no more sacrifice, Joy. Be true to yourself first, last, always, or you can't be anything worthwhile for anyone else (anyone else that matters).
Posted by Kelly on Friday, September 21, 2007 - 4:23 AM

Vacation Procrastination

2007-08-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

Last night at 3:30AM I still hadn't packed. I went to bed and set the alarm for 5AM and I'm sitting on the computer now, still not packed, almost ready to leave for the clinic to go pick up my medicine for the week.

I'm so excited to see Jen, to spend time on a vacation, to be by myself for the first time again in years. KK is really enjoying the independence, even though the neighbors are watching her. She has planned out meals for the entire week and has a whole list of things she's going to do while I'm gone.

I don't know why I've procrastinated the whole packing thing, it makes me nervous. Yes, I probably do, but don't even want to go there right now. Don't have the time to as I need to run out the door and catch the bus or I'll really be behind schedule.

See you all September 10th! (I'll still have wi-fi and doing the homework thing, but I'm probably going to avoid e-mail like the plague - we'll see.)

Happy trails! Bon Voyage! Au Revoir! Adios!

COMMENTS:

woo-hoo woo-hoo - wwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooo!

Yipee! Cannot wait - and yes of course you are sharing a bed with me - I's gots a King Size bed now :)
Posted by I am ninja! on Thursday, August 30, 2007 - 10:46 AM

Backpack and Lunchbox All Packed

2007-08-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today's the day. Breathe deep. I can do this. I know I can. 21 units here I come!

COMMENTS:

Yes, you can do this!! :) It'll be tough, for sure, but hang in there. You will be so happy in the end.
Posted by Kelly on Thursday, August 23, 2007 - 5:16 AM

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 ...

2007-08-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

2 days and counting. Two days until the 21-unit semester begins. I'm nervous and scared and excited and eager and happy... can I pack a few more emotions into it? Did I undertake too much? Will I be able to maintain a 4.0 GPA? Will I be satisfied if I can't maintain a 4.0 GPA? Will I be able to finish all of the classes I signed up for? In two more days I will begin to know, begin to face the burden that I've committed to.

I've been so sick lately. That's the scariest part of all of this - my health. Something I have no control over and something that can radically affect my performance for the semester. I go to see Kyle, my acupuncturist, today. But then, no Kyle, for almost 4 weeks! I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it without any acupuncture. I saw my GP on Friday of last week. She says I'm a mess and ran a bunch of labs and I have to go in today for an x-ray of my abdomen to accompany the labs she had drawn on Friday. She's thinking that I just may have an infection in my intestines again, either that or the start of another small bowel obstruction (which would explain my overall feeling of shitiness, pun intended... since the ultimate result is sepsis). She didn't want to jump to any conclusions though and didn't want to rush me off to surgery because of the negative consequences I had with all of those options from last year. I just wish modern medicine would advance to the point where I could trade in my body for a new one. Pick out a healthier model and trade this run-down piece of shit in for another one. If anyone hears of any black-market options, please, please let me know.

August 30 I'm off to Florida for a beach front escape. I'm so excited to see J. and so excited to have my first vacation in years. I'll be going on my own, daughterless and carefree! The options are limitless and for more than seven days! It seems surreal. I haven't really even begun to prepare for it and realized that I don't have a photo ID and better start working on obtaining one or I'll be stuck in California. Like I said, it doesn't seem that the possibility of me being on vacation is a reality. It's such a foreign concept in my life and my life's direction lately. Vacation? Vacation from what? From not working? From sitting on my ass all day? Well, I do a lot more than that, but not really. I haven't had a secular job in years, I mean, YEARS. And four months part-time at Starbucks doesn't count! I don't care what the Department of Social Security says! Speaking of which, I finally got real lawyers to represent my case and might see some results in the next 12-24 months. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel!

Crabby

2007-08-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

Current mood:crabby
Two days ago I was going through the grocery store doing my shopping and in the meat section were stacks and stacks of packages of King Crab legs. It's not something my grocery store typically carries, especially not that quantity. I'm not sure I've ever seen crab legs there actually, and I usually have to request the scallops I like (they special order them for me, along with lobster tails). Anyway, they were half off so for $18 I picked up a huge amount of crab.

Why does this matter? It ties in strangely to something going on in my personal life...

Sure, laugh at it now, this isn't a pun on being crabby, but rather an insight into my dating life.

I have been interested in someone online and have not had the opportunity to meet him in person yet. I'm quite fond of him and he's a little different than anyone I've looked at before in my life, but I've decided that what I've been doing hasn't worked for me so far, so it's time to change, right? Anyway, we haven't met in person yet and I've been pushing for an in-person meeting. A meeting? A date! Whatever. I finally was able to get what I believe was an invitation for Thursday to go out for crab, but maybe it wasn't an invitation and maybe I forced it. I held the day aside (hell, I held the whole weekend aside just in case the date needed to be changed) and by accident I even misdialed on my caller ID and ended up calling him. He said he'd call back (I assumed he'd call the next day since that was the day we were supposed to go out... Thursday... yesterday). So what about the crab legs? I felt the crab legs were a sign, I know, pretty goofy - but the stacks and stacks of crab legs told me "there is no way in hell you are going to get crab tomorrow, so if you want crab, you better buy some now." And I did. Even knowing that he could call at any point that day, I cooked up crab legs and ate them for lunch and then made an awesome crab risotto while I ate a crab taco. I'm pretty much crabbed out at this point. No, I'm not, who could get enough of that delicious meat? The only thing that would make it better at this point is a charred rare ribeye.

Hmmm, food has distracted the topic at hand of how I feel rejected. Is it me? Am I reading the signs wrong? I know I'm a total social retard, but I know I deserve friendship and even intimacy. I see all kinds of literal retards with partners every day. I don't want to be alone. That being said, I will not just settle at all costs with the loser of the day, but I think I have the ability to attract more than a loser (I hope!) It's been almost a year since I've really been with anyone and the relationship I was in, was so much against the definition of the person I want to be with... it feels like I haven't been with anyone in years. A good memory of a good partner is so far in the distant past I don't know if it even exists as a possibility for my future anymore. I know that my brain is lying to me right now, but I'm buying into the lies frequently enough that it's making me crazy and feeling a little desperate.

On that note, I'll completely change the subject and turn back to cooking and charity...
In addition to all of the crab stuff, I made a delicious pot roast and mashed potatoes yesterday. Sometimes I guess I forget that my daughter is a vegetarian and I'm the only other person left to consume the food. I had a really cool of making the dinner for a family down the street that has just been reunited (this guy just got his three boys back from child services) and the dad doesn't really know how to cook. I gave him a recipe box filled with some of my favorite easy recipes and I've been dropping food off for them occasionally. It makes me feel so good and they're so appreciative. That's my positive feel good for the day. At least I have those little boosts and feel-goods to make me feel valuable and needed.

I almost forgot, I have a doctor visit in about two more hours. Hopefully she'll be able to give me some idea as to what is going on with my deteriorating body. As I'm sure she will not have a referral to a body transplant specialist. I can keep dreaming, right?

Needy

2007-08-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's my lack of health lately or boredom in the space between the hectic schedules of school terms. Maybe it's none of it. I'm in a mood. Craving adult companionship. Not something that comes in the form of sexual intimacy necessarily, but to be with another adult and have deep conversation or meaningful connection, to feel needed and cared about and not to have any demands back.

I've been fighting a lot with KK lately. I think this is partly the reason why. She is dependent on me. She requires my attention, my care, my supervision and support. I want to be the needy one though, the one that's totally cared for and taken care of; the one that someone completely dotes over and worries about.

Even the other adult relationships I have in my life right now are fairly dependent on me. The acquaintances in my life right now have been calling me up and are in a space of request and neediness. I don't have anything more to give anyone - not financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I can't do it, it's been sucked out of me and I have no more to give right now. The well is dried up. I need to regenerate, rejuvenate, take time for myself and completely be pampered. I want something but don't even know what to ask for right now. I'm pretty damned sure I wouldn't get it anyway, so what would be the good in identifying the needed thing anyway?

Boohoo, whine, whine, I'm going to take a nap, eat and nap some more.

Another Ambulance Ride to Nowhere

2007-08-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

Current mood:pain-saturated
Yesterday after writhing in pain for hours, I finally gave in and called an ambulance to come and get me. 20 mg of morphine, 1 dose of toradol and 2 doses of dalatid (2mg ea) later and I finally could quit crying. They said there was no kidney infection and since I just had a full battery of tests ran last month (CT scan, ultrasound, etc.) they decided to send me home and refer me to a specialist. I don't know what the hell is wrong with my body anymore. I just can't take the pain. I want a new one or I want this one to just give up the damn fight. That sounds a little dramatic, I'm just tired and hurting and afraid I'm going to hurt more again. It started to kick up today on the way home from the acupuncturist (I went to pick up some herbs he had made up for me). I was doing my little rock and moan thing and KK tucked me under a blanket on the couch and I fell asleep (woke up with the laundry piled right on top of me, thanks K!) She took my prescription to the pharmacist and has been running a few other errands for me today - always the little helper girl. I don't know what I'd do without her right now. I can barely function the past couple of days. Speaking of lack of function, I'm going to go lay back down and catch another nap, maybe build some energy back up and kick whatever's got ahold of me to the side.

Betty Crocker makes another appearance at Bigg Tuna

2007-08-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

I was in a baking mood yesterday. Not to mention that I had a bunch of old bananas to use up. Old bananas to me are any banana that is no longer slightly green...if they even have one spot of black on them they're too ripe, too sweet, too yucky... ready for banana bread. So banana bread was what was on the list of recipes for yesterday. I made three different kinds. Banana pecan muffins, banana butterscotch muffins (with oatmeal in the batter) and plain old banana bread muffins. I've been sharing them with everyone I run into. It's a great morning conversation piece and a great way to start the morning with a little share. Cup of coffee and a couple of muffins. The vote seems to be with the banana butterscotch muffins.. they're definitely good.

I've been craving shellfish. Anyone who knows my refrigerator knows that I keep a huge stock of shellfish on hand - pounds and pounds of shrimp and scallops and usually some crab meat to boot. I'm craving lobster now. Lobster risotto and lobster bisque... hell, I just want a couple of huge lobster tails with a good fatty charred rare ribeye steak! I'd be in heaven! I WANT LOBSTER and CRAB LEGS dripping in butter!

School shopping, teenage memories, and KK

2007-08-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

Last week KK and I did our school shopping. On Friday we shopped for actual school supplies. It wasn't a planned thing. We were in Longs to get something (I don't even remember what we were in there for, probably something insignificant). The next thing I know, we're in the school supply aisle. Both of us have been sucked in. The rows and rows of paper, pens, pencils, binders - in every color imaginable and all brand new - all the items displayed contained elements of the excitement, hope, promise of learning, education, the new school year. We're both freaks. We loaded the basked until it was brimming over. We barely could get the items home as we take public transportation and have to carry it all with our arms. When we got home we ripped into all of the packages, organized our stuff and "played" with our new possessions. KK said, "I wish school was starting tomorrow!" I agreed. I want it to too. I wanted to use my new things. She couldn't stop saying thank you and saying how much fun she had... I felt the same way. I enjoyed it as much if not more than she did. I remember that I always liked the weeks right before school. Yet in my family I never got new folders, pens or pencils. I rarely got new clothes. Sometimes we inventoried our panties and bras for my mother at that time of year so she would make sure that we were taken care of with the necessities. We were allotted a certain amount of money (not much more than $100 for jeans or pants) and anything beyond that was supplemented by money that we made on side jobs. I remember always working for a company... as far back as age 13. The requirement of having the job was 25% was paid back to my parents as "rent". My friends did this too and their parents saved it in a fund for them to help them buy a car or something. My parents didn't save it for us. It was to teach us the value of being responsible. That if we were old enough to have a job, we were old enough to start contributing to the household and paying for our share, our "rent". We also had to pay for a minimum of 50% of any of our clothing and entertainment. If we wanted something like a brand name pair of jeans, they put an assigned value on the jeans; let's say $20. In that case, I would pay $10, plus any amount over the $20 was my own responsibility. I could buy a $100 pair of jeans, but I only would get $10 for my parents' contribution. It wasn't an automatic either. It was only if they decided that I was in need of that pair of pants or jeans as well. Just because I had the money for something did not necessarily mean that it was approved for purchase. For example, two piece bathing suits were not an approved purchase in my home, it didn't matter how modest or whether I was buying 100% of it, the answer was "no".

With these memories of childhood purchases comes the memory of the purchase of my first car and obtaining my driver's license. In my house, we couldn't get our driver's license until we could afford a car, insurance and the maintenance of the car. So when I had collected all of the finances for these things (you better believe that I had all of the financing the day I turned 16), I was ready to buy my car. However, it wasn't just the financing that came into play, they forgot to mention that they also were factoring in their own opinion of whether I deserved to be trusted to have a license. Needless to say, because I had abused ID's of my sisters and cousins and neighbors to obtain admittance into clubs and purchase cigarettes and alcohol in previous years, my parents didn't feel that I was responsible enough to have my own license to drive a car at this age. I was almost 18 before this took place. I had lived on my own and moved back home again before I obtained a driver's license.

On Sunday, we walked by a boutique that we often pass and window shop and comment that we should stop in some time. Well Sunday was the day, once again, unplanned. We went in and the boutique is a fabulous mix of new and used/on consignment designer clothes. These are names that I would not be able to afford or at least not in the quantity that we purchased. I would never drop $200 on a pair of jeans! I didn't realize that KK would even have a taste for such items. Last year she wore baggy sweatshirts and jeans and wore the same look that every other kid wore if she wore any fashion at all. The items in this store are straight out of high-end fashion magazines, runway type stuff. She loved it. The sale rack was fantastic too. They had plenty of items in my size, which I usually have trouble finding. It's amazing... as a fat person I had trouble finding my size and as a thin person I have the same problem, size 0s and 2s are just not that available. The other problem is many of the styles reveal way too much of my chest and make me look emaciated. My bones and ribcage look obscene. Well, I'll quit complaining momentarily because we began to find our groove in shopping and ended up walking out with bags full of items. We also got accessories, 3 purses and 2 pairs of shoes. In that find was one great black everyday type Italian maker purse, a beautiful Kate Spade wicker & pink leather (resembling a small sort of picnic basket look) and a green Prada bag. We got four or five dresses, including a stunning Diane von Furstenburg dress that looks like a million bucks and a Versace dress that looked kinda funky on the rack, but awesome on both of us. The others were Ann Taylors and boutique names. The tops were a range of camis and blouses Prada, boutique names, Jag and a few names I've seen at Saks & Neimann Marcus when I've browsed. I got two pairs of jeans too. One was a name I can't remember. Funky kinda purplish pants with break away patches that reveal printed material underneath and the other was a cream colored pair of Seven for All Mankind jeans that still had the tag in them, just under $200 for $45! I think KK thought we were going to get a couple of items. She kept asking which was going into the "Maybe" pile and which was going into the "Yes" pile. Was that "Yes, for sure, yes? Or, yes, maybe, yes?" I told her to just put it in the pile and we'd figure it out when we were done. Other than pulling off a couple of outrageously priced camis that just couldn't be justified. I don't care if they're originally $300 and they're marked down to $60... I just am not going to buy it. We pretty much bought everything we put into the "yes" pile. The bill came up to slightly over $600. KK's mouth dropped open. She had guessed that we were going to spend about $100-200. I reminded her that one of the dresses was $60 and one of the purses was well over $50. Those two items alone would clear the amount she was thinking. There were a lot of items that were absolute deals, like the Versace dress that was marked at $22 and then down to $18 and then 50% off on the sale rack ($9!!!) She kept thanking me and hugging me. We got home and she modeled all of the clothes again. She said once again, "I wish school was starting tomorrow." I agreed; I wish it were too. The next day, we donned some of our new clothes. We actually spent well over an hour just picking out what we were going to wear, forget actually the getting ready time invested. We loaded up our new handbags and hopped on the bus to go down to Lakeshore Avenue (a little main downtown strip, actually where the boutique store is, and our Blockbuster and coffee shops) to get some coffee from Starbucks and read a book. KK brought her new journal to write in. We hung out for an hour or so, just drinking coffee and reading/writing. The weather shifted radically and it was misting/sprinkling as we walked out of the Starbucks. It's about 1/4 mile back to the bus stop and I was wearing a tiny little cami with no jacket. I was freezing. We stopped in the Longs and asked them to use the phone to call a taxi. The cab came and got us and took us home. When the cab honked and we got in the cab, I felt like everyone in the Peets was watching us get in the cab. We both looked fantastic! We were exuding an incredible amount of positive energy too! Isn't that how it usually works though? When you feel that great about yourself, you attract a bunch of attention? (I felt that way in the Starbucks too!) I felt like a million bucks! When we got home, we changed out of our clothes (begrudgingly) and put on our sweats so that we could do some housework and then we took our scooter down to pick up a pizza from Safeway and scootered it back home. That's another purchase I'll never regret making. It was overpriced, but it has provided such a good time for KK & me. When she drives me around we always talk and we observe the neighborhood together and have such a great time. A neighbor commented on how happy KK looks whenever she sees us out riding together. I agree. Especially since the neighbor made the comment, I've especially been observant and notice that she smiles and laughs continually. It's been a great bonding tool for us. We often will go out for a ride before or after dinner. She will often ask to do a ride right before chores (usually to procrastinate doing them, but I like to procrastinate as well and don't blame her) as long as we get the chore done, why not have a little fun before we do it?

I really enjoyed our school shopping experience. I've never had so much fun with it. I'm really enjoying being a mom. I love this age. I love KK. I love our simple little life right now and how much time we have together. I'm glad that I have chosen this time to not work and spend with her. I'm glad that I've had the ability to sacrifice work so that I can be with her right now. I can't imagine what life would be like if I was working 60-80 hours per week or traveling 90% like I used to do with some of my other jobs. I remember resenting being a parent and now I can't imagine my life without her. She is such a joy, such a pleasure; even though she's snotty sometimes and talks back, she's a preteen. I really hope that we still stay close like this, that she wants to continue spending time with me like she does right now.

COMMENTS:

It's hard to stay close, but if you can remember to still love her to pieces even when she's acting like a snotty preteen, I think you will come through okay. I once knew a woman who would say things like, "I hate her!" about her own teenage daughter.... oh my god, to actually say that and mean it! How horrible! Now THERE is a relationship that will never be mended.

School shopping is fun! I'm glad you guys had a good time.
Posted by Kelly on Tuesday, August 07, 2007 - 5:30 AM

Recap, Rant and the Removal of Richards (Feedback Wanted)

2007-07-29T01:40:00.000-07:00

Money from my retroactive grant for Summer school has financed a bunch of cool stuff. I wasn't expecting so much money and now I can go see my sister in Florida! Yeah!!! I will be leaving at the end of August and not returning until after Labor Day. Over a week with my sister, we should really tear it up. Maybe I'll even get a tan or really good sunburn. KK decided that she doesn't want to miss any school (it'll be the first week of school for her) so she's doing the responsible thing and is staying home so that she can be a good student. I'm so proud of her.

Yesterday, we also took some of the funds and went to Six Flags and bought Season Passes. Even though the protestors on the outside made me think about the treatment of animals and how demanding and horrible most tourists are in this great country, it was a very short-lived feeling and we had a great time riding coasters over and over and seeing some of the animals. Another day I will have a rant about how I feel about the "consumers" in this country that live off the Earth like leeches and do nothing in return for it. They just consume and consume and consume and do nothing but use and damage. They don't seem to care about what happens to the Earth and come from a very "want it now" and "need to have it all" attitude. When I go to places like Six Flags it really seems apparent. Even when visiting places like the zoo, and the kids and even some of the adults are banging on the cages and demanding the animals to do something for their entertainment, instead of sitting and observing and appreciating that they are near in animal that they would not normally be able to be near under any other circumstances. Why are they always looking for a trick... or to be entertained? I really find that this attitude seems prevalent among our brothers and sisters in the United States; other cultures and peoples are much more hospitable, caring and loving. I realize I'm over-generalizing, but I find that there is a more neighborly or brotherly feeling among neighbors and more of a concern about being a family, instead of what we have here where kids move out of their parents home immediately so they can live on their own. In other countries, it seems like there is more responsibility towards the family, caring for parents, grandparents, a respect for the elderly and a want to be part of the family unit for multiple reasons. It also helps them live and not get into financial debt before they reach their 20s or 30s. Then there is the issue of credit... we are pretty much the only country that extends credit like we do to our citizens. People living in homes that they can't afford, driving cars they can't afford, living lives they can't afford... why? Because our banks will extend them credit so they can drive them into debt. They are living off our INABILITY to manage our money. They know that people will get themselves into debt and that many of them WON'T be able to afford to pay their debt off. That's what they're banking on. They're hoping that we will live our lives making minimum payments and paying the highest interest rates on meals we've bought years ago that we've reconsolidated into loans that we've wrapped up into our mortgages so that we're paying for a meal for 30 years! Or that we'll miss payments or go over our credit limits and they can slap fees on us. And there was a stand at Six Flags where they were shaking these backpacks back and forth and saying get a free gift, just for filling out an application and all of these rejects are lining up to receive their "free gift". The blind idiots! Like a bunch of walking dead, stupid sheep (bah, bah, bah)... that's when I really hate our country and where we live. Because of all of the idiotic behavior that I'm surrounded by and that no one will wake up to it! They'll just keep driving their SUV's that they can't afford, buying homes that they don't know how they're going to make the payments on when they have to start paying the principal... but it will be worth 3 times the amount by then, so maybe they can sell or better yet, REFINANCE and get into a crazier loan that allows them to pay less than the interest that is owed, so that they completely end up upside down in their mortgage and the bank can completely own their home and they're making basically penalty payments. Does no one see this as a problem? Does no one see the fact that our nation owes over 8 trillion dollars a problem?!?!!? The shit has already hit the fan. It's here. When is it going to actually hit the people? When is it going to really affect us. The problem has already happened, I just can't figure out when the effect of the bubble popping is going to impact the people. Bush already spent social security funds last year on paying off just the INTEREST that our country owes. Forget all the additional debt that we've accrued. What do we have to learn as children of this nation? What is our "parent" teaching us? It's setting the worst example ever! And so many people think that somehow it's not going to happen to us. Wake up! Do they not realize that other great nations fell in history. Open up your history books and read. The fall of Rome, Egypt, Greece any major society that seemed indestructible in the past and usually they were at the height of their glory and power and wealth and they fell. Does it not seem rational that history will continue to repeat itself. We are not going to escape what has happened to every other society or every other government in history just because we hold a different name. If anything, we're making bigger mistakes than some of those countries made. We're more in debt than any of those countries were. Our people are actually sicker than our neighboring countries, live shorter lives even though we should be living longer lives because we're supposed to be wealthier. Once again, wake up! Well, I said I was going to rant on another blog and it looks like I got carried away here. I couldn't help it, I just got to thinking about the little "monkeys" that were banging on the outside of the tanks yesterday, demanding the dolphins do something for them or the girl that was leaning over the sting rays and her soda was on the edge of the tank and even though they repeatedly said not to put personal items on the ledge, she did it anyway. Of course, she knocked her cup off the ledge into the tank, but she quickly picked it up (that made it all better, right?) and she let everyone know it had a lid on it, so it didn't get into the tank, right? What a friggin idiot! All she thinks is about her drink, her accident, and she didn't care to change her behavior. What she didn't think of is that if everyone had done the same thing she did that those animals would be sick and dead. They might even be damaged with just one drink dropped in. Forget the fact that all of those people are putting their hands in the tank, hands that have been touching popcorn, candy, soda, cigarettes, dirty handrails, many other things those stingrays shouldn't be exposed to, but none of those people think about that or even seem to care enough to wash their hands and rinse them before they put their hands in the exhibit even though there's a hand washing station right there. Do you want to know when they washed their hands? AFTERWARDS! Because they touched those slimy things! And they wanted to make sure to wash whatever slimy stuff might be on their hands off. Stupid! I'm amazed at people's stupidity continually. I love humans so much, but I wonder if I love them like the stupid little creatures they are... myself included... 1 Tard and lover of Tards.

I've spent the last several days watching movies. Embarrassingly, I've couch potatoed almost a good ten movies since I finished my Finals: 1) Ratatouille, 2) Captivity, 3) Knocked Up, 4) Chuck and Larry, 5) Evan Almighty, 6) Sicko, 7) Transformers, 8) Harry Potter - Order of the Phoenix, 9) Hairspray and 10) The Killing Floor. I want more!

Last to discuss, the next thing on my personal list of accomplishments for this year is finalizing my divorce from M. Since KK doesn't share my married last name, and I won't be keeping Richards and my maiden name isn't shared by KK either... I'm actually considering choosing a new last name to go with my new life transition. Any ideas? I'm open to feedback, suggestions, etc. I'd love to hear your ideas and suggestions for last names. I used to go by my middle name years ago on my business card, but without the spelling, a lot of people thought I was Oriental before they'd meet me. Joy Lynn was interpreted as Joy Linh and I guess Joy sounded Oriental too, who knows. I'm thinking Joy DeVie. I know my brother would laugh at me. All the years that he used to tease me about the online screenname that I had come up with back in my early 20's Joie de Vivre, he constantly mocked me. But, this is for real and I'd love to have it be meaningful or powerful. Joy of Life is pretty meaningful, but it could also be interpreted as pretty silly. I don't know. I thought it was kinda cute. I'm not sure if I'd capitalize it like that or just do Joy Devie, maybe I'll go with something else entirely. Any critiques?

COMMENTS:

Yay!!! Yay - you - yay me - yay Florida!

I don't know why but Joy'licious is a great consideration......

I would want something like Zazu - very snazy!! Joy and Jennifer Zazu!!! Come on - I really like Zazu!!
Posted by I am ninja! on Monday, July 30, 2007 - 3:15 PM

Joy'licious sounds like a name Uncle Jason would come up with.
Posted by Joy on Wednesday, August 01, 2007 - 6:37 PM

Girls, girls, girls. We've talked about this! Ricel. The name is Ricel.
Posted by Kelly on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 6:43 AM

Always taking the big bite

2007-07-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

Biting off more than I can chew? Me? Never!

So I continue adding classes to my Fall schedule that was established two months ago. I had a nice managable load of 13 units and then added another 3 units to bring it to 16. Then over the last week I've managed to continue adding classes until I'm at a point now where I'm going to have to get the Dean's signature to approve my last add of an accelerated Spanish class (9/15 - 10/21), pushing me to a total of 24 units for Fall 2007. The Spanish class is just five Sundays, 8AM - 4:30PM. It's an introductory Spanish class, so it will just be review, it should be a breeze.

So here's what my Fall will look like:

Philosophy 001 (3 units)
Sociology 001 (3 units)
Humanities 002 (3 units)
English 1A (4 units)
Political Science 001 (3 units)
Physical Education - Body Conditioning (Open Entry) (2 units)
Physical Education - Yoga (0.5 units)
Spanish 001A (5 units)

I want to go get my books today. I'm ready to approach the next semester. It's probably because of the news I got in Statistics yesterday. I got a 99 on the 3rd Exam and found out that I have the highest score of all of the students in the class. I was thte last person out of the class yesterday and was thanking the Professor for stepping in to cover the class so that we had someone to teach us (since the first one stroked on us and the second one was double-dipping on his paycheck) and he thanked me for being so attentive and appreciative and such a great student. I've always been a teacher's pet and eat that crap up! Of course my e-mail address for school use is even "GiveJoyAnA", my KK was confused by it at first, "Who is Joyana?" "No, Give Joy an A" ... "Ah mom, SUBOMBINAL messages" She's so smart! Kind of! I laughed! It is a Sub BOMB inal something or other. The joke sure bombed out, anyway.

I already have calculated my grade in Psychology and I have an A. I'm still going to continue turning in the last few assignments, even though at this point, it's unnecessary, I've already acheived the A. It's a matter of principal though and I feel like because the work has been assigned, I should complete it.

I'm going to check out flight prices and probably grab a cheap flight to visit my little sister with her new beachfront property before I get back to the grind. I can't think of a better place to break than with her, directly on the beach! Now I just have to find the funds and we're off!

Four Days to Freedom

2007-07-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

The whining will end (at least temporarily) in four days, when I complete my Statistics Final. I'm wrapping up the last of my Psychology papers today and tomorrow. Yes, boys and girls, I did it! I am finishing my first semester of college, can you believe it? I'm in shock, utter disbelief. I can't believe I didn't drop a class, I actually am going to receive credit and go onto the next semester! I am so hopeful and excited! Yeah me!

Thanks to my compulsive picking habit, I am almost completely healed. It rubs the lotion on the skin... whoah, a Hannibal Lechter moment. I've been slathering lotion and Vitamin E onto the scabs and then a few minutes later, pealing them all off... dabbing at the bloody bits with a gauze pad until dry and resuming again in another hour or two. It's obsessive, I know, but who said I wasn't? I woke up last night at 3:30AM and flossed! Oh, I also used this cool little plastic dental scraper and mirror first and then flossed and rinsed with Act and flossed and rinsed again. I think it was 4 or so, by the time I returned to bed and then I wasn't sleepy anymore, go figure. I hate it when I get caught up in the routine and disrupt whatever precious sleep I manage to find.

Today I am the Mighty Flea Hunter. We've had a flea infestation again and I will be bathing the cats and doing the Frontline drill on all of them. Spock has been standing in the shower whenever he has the chance, as if begging me to give him a flea bath. He's so funny... and yet, I really think that's what he's asking for. The other day, I got in to take my own shower and he wouldn't get out. I had to pick him up and throw him outside the door and shut it behind me, or he would've climbed back into the shower. He's such a weird cat! Popcorn and salad eating, shower taking freak! This is not a cat! Last night he sat on my lap and stretched out so that I would rub his legs and his feet like a real massage. His legs are so long and his paws are so strange, not like a normal cat, but longer, and his paws are more like fingers and toes than paws that are all compact and cute. He separates them out when I massage his feet, but he won't let me touch his toes, I think it must tickle him. I should ask him, he'd probably answer.

COMMENTS:

Yessssss! YAY for you! What an accomplishment to actually register for classes AND stick with them. Good for you! I've always wanted to do it and never really had the guts. I suppose I am always wishing my life will take me in a direction where college won't be necessary, beneficial or desirable...i.e. motherhood and never working again. Well anyway. GOOD FOR YOU. I hope you enjoyed it too!!!
Posted by Darc on Sunday, July 29, 2007 - 3:17 PM

I'm Ouchy and Bleeding

2007-07-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

I was so out of it I didn't even realize I posted a bulletin, not a blog this morning. I couldn't figure out where my blog from this morning went and thought I hadn't posted it, except people were making comments about my

Ouchy Face - (about 3AM this morning)

I'm up late tonight. I had a fight with the sidewalk and the sidewalk won.

Actually, it was more like I tripped on the part of the sidewalk that was repaired poorly by the city. There's about a four-six inch area where the one piece is higher than the other piece. Well, I tripped on it and landed face first on the sidewalk. I've been hit in the face before and never did it hurt that bad. I guess cement is a little different than flesh and bone also. Anyway, it hurt beyond any words I could use to describe.

As soon as it was over. And it happened in slow motion, I knew I was going to hit and I knew my face was going to make the first contact. I immediately reached for the front of my teeth which were throbbing and fortunately, none were broken and none are missing, it sure felt like they should be gone based on the sheer force of impact. I slammed the bridge of my nose and the tip of my nose and my upper and lower lips have huge chunks missing out of them. They were massively bleeding and I could feel the holes in my lips. I'm not sure if I broke my nose, but I've fractured my skull before (right at my nose) and it feels like I've fractured my nose again (and it looks like it with the huge knot that is raised white on the part that meets the cartilege. I moved the nose around and it feels pretty good actually, just really scraped up. I'll probably have black eyes tomorrow and a headache to boot. My head is already throbbing in the worse way and my neck and my hands and wrists and pretty much everything that came into contact with the ground.

Originally I was on my way with my roommate driving to see if I could find a wallet that I had left behind in a rental car - one that doesn't have a rental company but that you pick up and leave when you're done. My roommate was trying to talk me into going back inside and forgetting going to see about the wallet, but I'm glad I did, because I did leave my wallet in the car and undoubtedly the way that she treats everything, we would've never made it over there with her saying, you probably threw it in the trashcan or something, just go replace all of the stuff. Ultimately her answer is take the easy way no matter what, even if it means an incredible amount of work or problem by doing the easy way, do it regardless, because it's easy. Enough about her though, I found my wallet and my teeth are all in my mouth. I'm pleased.

So needless to say, I'm in pain and very much awake this evening. I don't know when the tired will overcome the pain to the point of allowing me to sleep through this, but I imagine eventually sleep will be a necessity and outweigh the throbbing aches and the swollen and still bleeding sores all over my face.

Was that Dependence or Independence Day?

2007-07-05T03:44:00.000-07:00

I was so optimistic last week about life and school and Monday and Tuesday had some hiccups that could prove to be pretty disastrous (well, at least one of them, the other I've already worked through and am done with). I am trying to keep my spirits up and beyond that leaving a lot of positive space open for things to go my way, because there are many outcomes that could make the whole thing a pretty shitty story for me. Monday I spent at school with KK bee bopping around and getting errands done that I can't do throughout the rest of the week. I met with the on campus representative that helps me get reimbursed for all of my school supplies, transportation, child care (even if I don't need it, they're paying for it so she really insisted that one of my friends should collect on the money since next year's state budget is based on how much of it is used – yes, it's a fucked up system, so I have mixed feelings about using it in that way). Anyway, we had lunch together, went to the Math Lab and logged the hours that I needed to log. I took an online test for Statistics that was created by the publishers (much harder than anything discussed by any of the professors) and I aced it. So, needless to say, I was feeling very confident walking in to Tuesday's mid-term. But I'll get to the Statistics surprise in a minute. When Mikaela and I got home on Monday I received a call from my ex-boyfriend. I hadn't talked to him in a while, and he mentioned that I walked right passed him that morning without even saying "hi" and that he thought I was mad at him. I wasn't mad, I just didn't even see him and therefore didn't acknowledge his presence. He talks to me about stupid shit, nothing really and then about ten minutes into the conversation he says, "H. died a couple of weeks ago. I woke up to her lying dead next to me Father's Day morning." We proceed to talk about the circumstances surrounding H.'s death and his drama that includes H's family blaming him for H's death even though he really had nothing to do with it. I can see that most grieving family's tend to look for blame, especially when it is an untimely death such as this one and drug abuse or misuse is involved. No one wants to admit his or her child has/had a problem and it becomes much easier to blame someone else. The two of them were not exactly good for each other though and there's no judgment in that statement, it just is what it is. He and I weren't good together either. They hadn't told hardly anyone including her siblings and her mother that they were living together so needless to say it was all a surprise, as he became a part of the picture in her final moments alive on earth. It was very sad. I didn't like this woman at all, but I definitely had no desire to see her life end abruptly and feel bad for the loss of her family and friends. I also feel sad for my ex-boyfriend. NOONE should experience the horror of waking up next to someone they love or like or even just casually know NOONE deserves the horror of waking up to someone that isn't breathing, living anymore. He described waking up to her cold dead body in graphic detail and it was more than I could handle. I started crying and couldn't stop. The reality that this could've been me just a year or so ago also came weighing in heavily and I spent that night and the next morning deep in a funk. Until I walked into my group session and had a chance to share with the counselors there what had happened and realized that I had been totally manipulated by T. and that he probably didn't even realize he was doing it. He didn't think about me or care about me when he chose to "dump" that negative news in my lap. We don't have a relationship anymore, we don't talk at all or have a friendship, so why was it necessary for him to call me up and share this horrid bit of information with me? He also will need a place to live more than likely in the next few weeks so I imagine that subconsciously he is trying to figure out who is going to take him in. Well, it's not going to be me; I just can't do another round with him. I won't even take another phone call like that one. I don't need to be nice or have pity for him, I don't need to be his friend, and I don't need to be the good guy. I am working on my recovery and anything that stands in the way of it, including him and the crazy fucked up drama that he brings with his life. (I mean, I don't have friends that abuse drugs, so it would be highly unlikely that I would get a call notifying me of a friend that had overdosed and not woken up in the morning, or had passed away. It is true that I will not prevent all negative calls or calls associated with dying or disease from being received at my house. It's part of the cycle of life. However, I refuse to have the drama associated with "high risk behavior" in my life. I chose to leave that life and don't want the crazy, negative drama that comes with those lifestyle choices (i.e., prison, jail, disease, death, overdose, hospitalizations, accidents, rehab, crime, broken marriage, etc., etc., etc.) I realized how many more people in my life had crazy stories during the last few years and I couldn't figure it out. It seemed like everyone I knew had the saddest and depressing stories and lives or circumstances that they were dealing with. It took so long for me to actually realize that this wasn't some strange coincidence that I was meeting all of these really sad people, but rather, the type of people that I had started associating with. The change in lifestyle (and in the lifestyle of the people that I had started meeting) was what was influencing this factor. The "high risk behavior" that my "new friends" were engaging in had deeply affected their lives and was still impacting them daily depending on how involved in the behavior they still were or how deeply involved they had been in the past. Anyway, it's not something I want to worry about anymore. I called my sister up and told her how glad I was that I was talking to her that day and that the call was not one I had received about her. I felt suddenly glad to have certain people in my life and glad that I was alive too. I made it through by the skin of my teeth, but I made it and am hear to tell the awful history of how I got here to this fantastic spot, but all for another day, right?

Back to my mid-term now, the one that I was expecting to walk in and ace, except when I walked in, Professor Plummer wasn't standing in front of the class. It was a new professor, Professor Fuller. Apparently, Professor Plummer was double dipping and the school can't pay for him to be in two classes at one time. So they released from our class and got another Math Professor to cover our class. He is going to give us our mid-term on Thursday. He doesn't think formulas are important and when I asked him why he was presenting material that wasn't covered in the book, he said he wasn't familiar with the book so he was going to just test us on what he thought we knew (except the terms he was using were radically different, in some cases, we knew the information, but it was just different wording for the same procedure). The most annoying thing was when he was reviewing some of the information and he presented a method to figure out quartiles that seemed easy enough. It's a visual process of just dividing the data into fourths. He said he wasn't looking for formula use. Except, I brought up the point what if we had a sample set (like in the real world) that consisted of more data than could visually be divided in quarters? Wouldn't it just be easier to use the formula? (Which at this point I had memorized and found it very easy to get the information with precision. He said "no" and kept arguing it, basically saying that if it was in the "real world" with that much data that we would be using computers and wouldn't need to know the formula anyway. (So basically with that logic, we could dismiss much of the class since we wouldn't need to know how to do any of this stuff, but just plug it into our Excel spreadsheets and let them calculate them for us). However, that's the whole point of the class, is to understand the mathematics behind the spreadsheet (at least for this particular information and problem solving skills). Then I showed him how his method actually produced the wrong answer multiple times in the book. Which he then replied, "Well there are MANY ways to achieve the same results. I guess we could say that yours (stutter, stutter, stutter) MIGHT be a bit more PRECISE, but I'm not looking for preci8sion and I would prefer if you did it my way." I said, "Just so I'm clear, even though the formula is easier for me to use, produces the most correct and precise answer and works regardless of the sample size of the data with the same precision and accuracy, that you would prefer that I do it your way? Does that mean if I use a formula on the test and get a different answer, a more precise, correct one, that you would grade it incorrect?" He couldn't give me an answer! He basically said he'd prefer to have me learn it his way, the wrong way (and admitted that it was the wrong way). But he still wouldn't commit to grading me incorrectly on the test if it were to come up because it obviously bothered him that he would be giving someone that had produced a correct answer an incorrect mark. I said I would try to wrap my head around the procedure the way he outlined it for the day, but that I had memorized the formula to where finding percentiles and quartiles was second nature and very quick and easy, I left with I'd do my best. The other annoying thing and it actually was THE MOST ANNOYING thing (I was wrong in my earlier evaluation of degree of annoyingness hehehehe) was all of the students that kept saying we hadn't covered information that we had covered with every single one of the professors. We're not talking rocket science here guys. At this point, these are people that still aren't able to figure out how to get the four various averages: mean, median, mode and midrange. I understand maybe having to brush up on how to achieve each one of them and what the exact definition of each one is (because they are all averages, but all represent a very different way of looking at the same data to achieve a different average). This is stuff we covered back in Jr. High, hell; I remember doing averages in elementary school! But here we sit, for the third week and we only have six more weeks to go to cover all 14 chapters! AND WE ARE STILL ONLY ON CHAPTER TWO!!! There's a point where each student has a personal responsibility to know the information and the instructor also has a responsibility to the rest of the class not to hold it back even if the vast majority doesn't understand the information, because of the timeline that we are on. I mean it's not my fault that they decided to take the ACCELERATED class of Statistics. They kept blaming the switching of professors, which was frustrating, I will admit, but it didn't make the figuring of averages any harder. I mean, maybe they need to take Statistics over again, maybe they don't belong in Statistics. One of the girls was fighting with me and saying, "Listen, honey, I don't think you understand, but I need this class for Nursing and not only do I need this class, but I will also need Calculus, which will be dependent on the information I learn here (misconception #1). In the most tactful way that I possibly could, I said to her that it didn't matter that we had professors switch on us or that maybe some of the information had been skipped, that ultimately, in order to complete the class, we were required to cover all 14 chapters and with only three weeks left, I didn't really want to be spending my time reviewing Chapter 2 and elementary math AGAIN! (I didn't say that, but that was the summary of it). Then she said that MOST of the students were also lost, which I replied that if that many students were lost, it either meant bad teaching or possibly the incorrect assumption on the student's part that they could be successful in the class, that maybe they were in over their head if they couldn't progress pass this point. The teacher told us in the very beginning of the class that approximately 2 of us were going to get A's (that was out of over 60 students, I'm not sure if he was factoring in the 30 or so that were going to drop the class in the first two days or not, but he was already letting us know that his class was tough). There are multiple students in there that have taken the class many times already. One of the students that was equally as frustrated as I was – yet he's taken the class two times previously before he finally felt at ease with the information (and that's even amidst all the confusion with the Professor switch-ups). There's another man in the class that has taken Statistics five times. I have heard at least another handful say that this is at least their second time around. So obviously, it's not unheard of to think that someone might be in the class over their head. I told her that just because it was a prerequisite to the Nursing program, or just because someone needed the class to graduate didn't mean that the Professor needed to slow the information down to meet the needs of one particular student. They could get a tutor or go to the Math Lab or even participate in the Math Workshop (the one hour that the Professor continues to cover information after the end of every class). She said, "I've got a tutor, I go to Math Lab every day and I'm signed up for the Math Workshop, but I need to make sure that I UNDERSTAND this information!" I gave up at that point, obviously she was not getting what I was saying, or maybe she was getting it, but she was definitely not agreeing… she felt that it was the responsibility of the teacher to make sure that everyone taking the class understood the information before moving on to the next new lesson. What if they never get it? What if that part of their brain doesn't want to accept that part of learning? Does that mean we're all stuck on Chapter 2? I didn't say that, of course, but apparently my tone and attitude were radically changing, because a student sitting next to her that asks way too many questions about the simplest information (over analyzing and making everything WAY more difficult than it needs to be, questions like "will the sample data always have five numbers in it?" "Will the classes always be four?" I mean, come-on, is she retarded? That's like saying will the number 3 always be in a math problem? Will there always be subtraction in a test? It's the most ridiculous line of questioning I've ever heard, I thought she was joking when she first started doing it. She's like 45 years old by the way and she speaks intelligently, but I'm not so sure about her math skills, or even her rational thinking ability. But, back to the story… the retard pipes in, "It sounds like you think we're all dumb or something." Gee, you think? Well, I wouldn't say dumb, but I think if you can't figure out information that we've spent the last three weeks learning and solving together, that maybe you need to take the class at a regular pace (like in the Fall) or maybe you aren't ready for this class at all. I kept my mouth shut though, I reassured her that I didn't feel that she or anyone else was stupid, but I questioned a Professor that would allow a classroom to control the speed at which he presented information that needed to be covered in a timely fashion to achieve the timeline on the Syllabus. She didn't understand me; I walked out to have a cigarette. I guess I'm the class bitch now. I spent the rest of the class reading a Do It Yourself magazine while they continued to ask questions like why are we dividing that number by 10? When 10 is the number of the sample set (the number to divide by in order to get the mean or average). The same stupid questions ALL CLASS LONG. I swear I was ready to go out of my mind! The disaster at this point would be if the Dean decides that we are so far behind that she is going to cancel the class and refund our money. I will be so mad if that happens. I've already spent so many hours on this stupid class! I've already finished half of it! Stayed for the damn workshops, participated in the stupid math labs, done every single statistics problem from chapters one through four, just preparing for anything that might come my way. I won't accept a refund, I can't. I want the grade and I'm going to insist on being tested. Well, I guess I better cover some more chapters on my own if I'm going to request that, which might be the wrong way to go, but I'm just hoping this all turns out!

Hooray for strokes and seizures!

2007-06-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I actually am happy about illness and someone else's at that, but I am... truly happy. My Statistics Professor had a stroke last Friday and because of that I got a new professor on Monday. The new professor said he was going to stick to the old professor's syllabus until he actually had a chance to review it. Well, yesterday he officially started saying, "I do not want to hear another sentence or question that starts out with 'Doctor Shah said'" Yeah, Professor Plummer! He isn't going to use Professor Shah's tests, quizzes, dumbass grading curve (so there will be more than 1.5 of us that have a chance to get A's in his stupid class!), or ungodly amounts of homework. No more histograms, no more stem and leaf graphs and no more samples with 50+ numbers in them. He actually said, if I gave you a problem with that many numbers you'd be in class all day doing the calculations (I guess that's what Dr. Shah wanted out of us). About the histograms and stem & leaf graphs, Professor Plummer said that in his years actually working with graphs with the use of economics and statistics that he has NEVER used a stem and leaf graph (that it's for societies that don't have modern computers) and that histograms have been replaced by more modern graphing systems (that isn't exactly true, I see histograms daily in the NY & LA times... and have used them in my previous workplaces in Excel spreadsheets that I've converted to histograms, but anyway). I'm so pleased! Yeah!!!! He hasn't assigned us anymore homework. Everyday when we ask him if there is any homework he tells us, "Yes, the homework that Dr. Shah assigned you last week." Apparently, he felt that the twenty problems that took approximately 12 hours to complete was enough for the two weeks worth of class that we have taken so far. We have a mid-term exam on Tuesday, but he's given the outline for it and we went over all the material for it for the last two days and I'm confident that I'm going to ace it. He said it's our choice to use whatever formulas we want to accomplish the problems we are given as long as the answers come out right and the work is shown. Basically, if we want to use the long, drawn-out complicated formulas or the short-cut formulas, whichever we are more comfortable with, he doesn't care. He couldn't possibly be any more laid back. He gets to class every day late (because he teaches on another campus up to the time that our class starts... but the dean already knew that was going to happen). So he gets there at 1:30 and the class is supposed to start at 1PM. Then the class is supposed to go straight through with no break so that we can end early at 4:20PM so that we can cram in a Math Workshop (for an extra one unit credit) for the last 40 minutes of class. But he has been leaving between 3PM and 3:30PM everyday and that INCLUDES the Math Workshop. If we attend Math Lab downstairs we get extra credit, so I've been leaving class and going to the Math Lab and still getting home early. Basically, I'm attending all five units of class (the 4 unit class, the one unit workshop) and the Math Lab and still getting home before 5!!! The original class was supposed to be Tues - Thurs from 1PM - 5PM. We were told not to take any other classes and that we should expect somewhere around 30 hours per week of homework from this class. The class was 12 hours and the homework was about 30 hours to equal about 42 hours of classtime/classwork altogether. That's why he said no extra classes. Silly me, I took another 3 unit class in the excellerated format, but KK could do the homework. I'm almost finished with that class. I've finished 14 out of the 25 quizes and have done almost half of the summary/reviews on the 25 articles I've read to correspond with the 25 chapters I'm being quizzed on. I can repeat the quizzes as many times as I need to, so if you don't get the grade you like the first time, you just take the quiz again until you get 100%. I've been letting it go if I get 90% or better the first time I take it, I was a little compulsive about it in the beginning, but I'm letting it go now. Basically, I'm much more relaxed now and feeling much better about it all.

Last night I went to see Hostel 2 with my friend C. I had a great time hobbling around with him. Yes, I said "hobbling". I managed to sprain my ankle and tear a couple of tendons in my ankle just standing yesterday. I'm the only person I know that can have an "accident" that practically cripples myself just standing up. No, I didn't have a seizure to have this cool little accident... I literally stood up, my leg was asleep and so my ankle collapsed to the side and I heard this ripping sound and then this horrible pain shot through my ankle and then my breath left me and the tears started. I managed to painfully limp my way out of the classroom door and outside so that I could cry peacefully by myself. The big struggle was figuring out how I was going to get all the way across campus with all of my books and my laptop with my new injury. It felt like 5 miles. I was almost all of the way to the busstop before someone finally offered to help and I was so thankful and in so much pain. I didn't think I was ever going to make it there. I just wanted to sit down and stay there until today. Just camp out and wait for today's class so that I wouldn't have to walk on my damn foot. But I wasn't so lucky. Then I had the date. I paid over $40 in taxi fares so that I didn't have to walk from the BART to the movie theater or from the busstop to my door or the various transfers. At one point, we got out of the movie theater and were going to the BART station and C. hails the parking lot security guard in their golf cart to drive us to the BART. I thought that was just ingenious! The best part of the date, how chivalrous! A true gentleman! He even practically lifted me the whole way up the broken escalator to the BART train ramp. It only took us like 20 minutes, but I made it - laughing and whincing the whole way. I felt like such a gimp, such a grandma! The two of us together were a real pair! He also wears a leg brace and has some gadget implanted in his back from a former accident, so we were a real sight. We looked like we belonged in the Special Olympics or something. It was funny and I had a great time, an even better time when I got home and popped the Vicodin - which I'm about to do again before I finish up the rest of my Psych homework.

Tomorrow's acupuncture with Kyle. Can we say HEAVEN, neighbors? Yes, Kyle will bring me to heaven and then I can really start my weekend. Oh relief, I don't even think I'm going to study for my Stats test. What a different story from last week, eh? I might actually do some clean up in my house and get caught up on the laundry, maybe do some cooking or something. Maybe I'll even have a friend over (friends? what are those?) NOTE TO SELF: Must call A for a sleepover and watch bad movies and tell bad jokes and make sure to not get her drunk even if her friends make fun of her because she's not a cool partier! You'll always be a cool Tard to me, A! But I guess I'm the boring, dull 35 year old. What do I know, right?

I'm really rambling, I'm excited and happy and I only have four more weeks to go until this term is over!!! I'm on top of the world!

COMMENTS:

More woo hoooooooos!!!! Keep it going, keep it going. :)
Posted by Kelly on Friday, June 29, 2007 - 2:29 AM

Mystery Solved

2007-06-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

So I had the oddest thing happen. I went online for one of the first times this weekend and when I went into the document that I use for storing my blog documents (I save them all in an MS Word file). I found a letter copied and pasted at the top of the blog document dated June 14th. It was a letter that appeared to be written by me, it even used some phrases that I occasionally use. However, I didn't remember writing it at all. The more I read it, the more I realized that the phrases were even slightly misquoted, misused. Upon closer examination and really letting the information sink in, I realized that the letter, which was a really long description of me to a total stranger (not that I'm not wordy). It was really a rather insulting description of me. Slamming me as a parent, as a friend, slamming me on an intellectual level. I realize that occasionally I make fun of myself, but this was just plain cruel! Then I realized how often I leave my computer on or just closed and not signed out downstairs and immediately realized that my roommate, former spouse, decided to use this as a passive-agressive means to share her feelings about me. I'm not sure if the letter even went out to the recipient. All letters from the time period were deleted out of my sent box and all letters in my in box were also deleted from that time period. Also, the friend request associated with this "stranger" (which I remember in my inbox unanswered and undecided on) was no longer there, it had been deleted as well. So I confronted her about it. She of course was appalled and said that I must've written the letter and not remembered it. Then she asked to see the letter and after reading it, said it wasn't that insulting and even if I thought it was, maybe someone had written it and saved it on my computer later. (Not that anyone has been to our house to do such a thing, or even had the motive to do such a thing). She told me she really didn't appreciate the accusation though and we left it at that. Even though at this point, I even figured out that I normally write my blog and then save it into MS Word and it saves the formatting from myspace that way. The person who wrote this, wrote it in MS Word first and all of the formatting was different. She writes this way, and even admitted it before I told her of my discovery and how I normally handle my information. However, I couldn't remember what had happened on that date (6/14/07). Other than the fact that I had hosted a party for my daughter the day before and nothing else was on the calendar indicating that I had gone anywhere at night or that she was gone. So the mystery still prevailed. Until today. I read a letter responding to a letter that I had written on 6/14/07 (this sent letter had been deleted out of my system - not by me). This letter included my original letter in the body. In that letter written late the evening this all happened, was a very derogatory letter describing my feelings towards my roommate. I was livid and called her many names in the letter. I basically was venting and it was a tell-all. I had forgotten about it completely. But there it was, in plain sight. All I can think is that I must've left the computer downstairs that evening (in the letter at the closing I mention that she isn't home and that maybe I will change the front door entry code and lock her out - as a joke - and that I'm going to bed and won't do anything, just wishful thinking). She must've decided to look at what was on my computer (I didn't sign out, often I don't) and got an eyeful and then decided to make a response and yet didn't handle her feelings directly with me. Instead, she wrote a shitty letter about me, written to someone else, making it look like I wrote it, describing all of my faults through her eyes in their full glory. It is something she would do, as underhanded and deviant and odd as it is, it is exactly her style. She couldn't just tell me, hey, I read something that I really didn't like and I probably shouldn't have read it, but I did and I'm really hurt. Instead, she does all of this crazy, manipulative, passive-agressive bullshit. Well, I at least had the balls to confront her and say she hurt me. Even if she couldn't tell me the truth about what she did. It's really creepy, I don't like how much psychological manufacturing and manipulation took place; almost making it seem like I'm going crazy or something and can't remember what I wrote. That's what she suggested afterall. No, I need to remind her that she is the diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I am not. She is not taking medication. I do not need any. Fuck you very much. I will have to maintain a higher level of security in my home and crack down on enforcing it. I will also need to take back any access I have given her to anything in the past. She has damaged all trust that I have in her. Especially since she still hasn't come forward with the truth and is pretending like this is all some created drama in my imagination. Or worse, some other friend with an agenda that has snuck into my home and managed to get ahold of my computer and passwords. I don't know what to do right now. I'm seething and yet relieved that I have the answers now.

COMMENTS:

While you're seething, change some passwords!!
Posted by Jason on Sunday, June 24, 2007 - 8:26 PM

It's already done. Unfortunately, now KK doesn't get to access my computer without my presence, but I guess she'll live. Or she can use M's. And I made this a blog only able to be accessed by preferred readers, (take a guess who's not on the preferred list?)
Posted by Joy on Sunday, June 24, 2007 - 8:49 PM

Oh. my. fucking. god. You have GOT to be kidding me..... who needs that kind of mucked up drama? Sorry that happened to you!!
Posted by Kelly on Sunday, June 24, 2007 - 10:01 PM

THE LETTER SAVED IN MY BLOG DOCUMENT:
I don't know why I'm posting this - I might end up taking it back out but your thoughts and comments continue to be appreciated.

June 14, 2007 – Letter to Myspace.com P Duddy

Mr. Duddy,

I usually reserve friend requests and the approval of such for people that I know and have an active part in my life in some way or another... it could even be from years ago. Anyway, after reviewing your profile, I want to be your friend just so that I can make comments on the fabulous pictures that you have posted throughout your profile, in particular, the ones in your comment area. I don't know if these are the sort of women that you choose to associate with (in that case, looking down at self, even though I am full of self-confidence and think I am personally awesome on many levels, not just physical attributes, needless to say, I do not look like the girls on your myspace profile... hmmm... not in the slightest. Attitude, self-confidence, having some decent if not great physical attributes, intelligence (inclusive of communication skills, makes a huge difference, but attitude can also only carry you so far. I've always been able to pick out any man I wanted and get him and I'm not just talking the blowjob in the back of the parking lot, but relationship, where they're buying dinner or whatever. It's more my style to take care of the finances (not because I don't like being traditional and being treated like a queen), but as a woman, you lose power when the guy foots the bill. I happen to like the power that I have, earn, etc. when I do the simplest thing like pay for the dinner. It's an amazing concept that so many women will never get, much less think there's any value in exercising. Oh well, leaves more for me. Pretty much, there hasn't been a man that I wanted that I didn't get (unless timing was off and I wasn't going to be a total bitch just to prove a point and show the world (particularly that man and woman in their shaky relationship) that I had the power to get what I wanted, even if they thought I didn't. It wasn't my hot looks, or anything like that... I can't really explain it without sounding totally evil and disgusting, but that used to be me years and years ago. I've grown up since then, well, kinda at least. I'm nicer, more laid back, easier to get along with, I have a lot more women friends and I enjoy developing friendships, not just playing mental games where I'm always the winner. That can get a little boring after a while as well... when you're always the winner and you have to create your own little challenges to at least make it interesting for yourself. Like I said, I've grown up since those days. For people that have known me for the last twenty years or so of my life, my closest friends, they might tend to rib me a little... and I will tell you as much as I try to be tough and pretend like it doesn't hurt, it does. I just think of all of the people that I really hurt by treating them like pawns in games I created to entertain myself and others. It was really ugly and I hope that I've paid my karmic debt. If not, well, I suppose I'm a strong character and will just grit my teeth and endure whatever is in the pipeline for me. I won't say that I haven't had my fair share of really fucked up unusual problems, maybe my karmic debt? Who knows! I'd like to think the slate has been wiped clean. I try to keep it a fun and positive experience for everyone. Not just entertain myself at the expense of someone else. I make it sound like I'm wicked or evil. In all honesty, there was a time when that would've been the mild way to describe my activity and behavior. I'm so much happier with myself now and so is everyone else. I guess it's also timely with my daughter observing absolutely everything I do and picking what she wants to pull out of it for herself. I try to be as honest as I can, brutally honest and yet leave it at a little bit of a 12-year-old level. She's lived in a very adult household though, so I feel she's been exposed to more than most kids her age have... it allows me to move the bar a little. Enough talking about kids. I'll really start rambling. Typing at 100+ wpm allow sme to pretty much write words that come out of my head.l I guess it's not saying much for the speed of my brain though. But it does make it easy to type... pretty much easier than having a conversation (although it's very one-sided and I don't have to worry about stopping at all - until I get to the end and reaklize that I haven't had one interruption. Wow! But also shit! What if you were totally bored? What if you didn't understand my line of thinking? What if you totally hated what I chose as the subject matter? I like the telephone, but I like in-person connections more than all. I'm definitely looking for friends. I've reached a point in my life where I made some decisions about life and family, etc. and found myself without family, without friends, etc. all in one night. I went from having a fully developed really enjoyable social life and support system to absolutely nothing. My family says they love me, but they ahave all these weird. I'm going to go ahead and wrap this embarrassing long novelette up and hope that it at least gives you something to help you go to sleep if you suffer from insomnia or maybe some fuel for your fireplace if you print the pages out. Who knows? Maybe you'll actually find some of this worthy of reading. I kind of view it as my "dump" (as I mentioned on my profile written years ago and still so unchanged, other than the whole picture thing, because honestly, noone wants to see what I looked like 2-3 years agooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Ha! I fell asleep in the middle of writing my own letter. There were a lot more pages of letters, but I didn't think you wanted the whole thing, I thought it was pretty funny though and wanted to share. Just in case you missed it, what I'm looking for (and not really looking, instead I opened my profile to be searchable and am responding to all of the introductions as they come in,, unless they're totally unredeemable, at which point I share them with my friends that I communicate with online that have moved to various spots across the country. That's a whole other form of entertainment and is fully worth the exploration of content for a coffee table book of some kind. There's definitely money to be made there with the right connections. Now I keep threatening I'm going to end the e-mail and I'm sure you're probably thinking, "How many times is she going to say she's going to end this damn thing and continue rambling on through one subject after another?" That's kind of like the question, "How many licks to the cnter of a Tootsie Pop?"

So, short, way past overdue and a little bittersweet,

Bye,
J.
Posted by Joy on Monday, June 25, 2007 - 8:37 AM

Run, Joy. Run far away from this VERY TOXIC individual!!! :( *tears* You gotta kick 'em in the shins at the very least.
Posted by Kelly on Wednesday, June 27, 2007 - 6:39 PM

Wow - I just read this..... boundaries boundaries boundaries!!! If they are not held to - you need to do a removal of the tumor. I love you - thanks for the awesome talk last night or should I say letting me ramble on about my doubts of my acts. I needed a hearing ear and not one that would lay judgement until it was all said and done. I am still not sure about being in this space of my job any more.... a lot of soul searching this weekend is necessary and I believe I am taking Thursday and Friday off and making it a long July 4th.

p.s. I didn't get to share the good news which is I have a friend that owns a condo for vacationing right around the corner on the beach and since I saved him a shitload in insurance premiums - it is ours WHENEVER we want! Also, there are two jetskis at our disposal around the corner :) Let's start planning to have you and Deb come out for a cheapy long weekend. Leslie's b-day is the 14th of September - work for you????
Posted by I am ninja! on Saturday, June 30, 2007 - 5:18 AM

I need to look at school schedule and see. I am done with Summer Term at the end of this month and then move into Fall term pretty quickly, but I can't remember what my schedule is like or when I get holiday breaks. I'll take a look at a calendar and see when it makes the most sense. I'd like to come w/o KK if it's possible, maybe send her to J&J's.
Posted by Joy on Sunday, July 01, 2007 - 2:24 AM

Whew!

2007-06-23T17:03:00.000-07:00

My first week of school is over, whew! I haven't even gone online and haven't checked any e-mails or messages or anything. I haven't returned phone calls, haven't paid bills, haven't gone on errands. I've barely fed myself. I didn't even sleep on Wednesday night because I had so much homework that I stayed up to 4:30AM to get it done. That morning, I found out that the homework isn't ever really DUE - it is used at the end of the term to assess if your grade can be boosted by the effort you put into your homework. I guess if you haven't done as well on your exams, the professor uses the homework to see how much you "tried". Anyway, I was the ONLY one who did all of the homework. That was very apparent when I was the only one asking questions about it and then I realized that most of them hadn't even cracked their book in three days. (That's the equivalent of three weeks in this class folks!) They didn't know where to find the problems that he had assigned, which meant that they never even looked at the homework. I was frustrated because the professor spent the rest of the class doing the problems for the class instead of teaching more information. I felt held back by the class and most of them were going to drop. There were two girls sitting next to me that were working on other homework and I made a little joke and said, "Wow! You must really get this stuff. Maybe I should be in a study group with you!" And she replied, "No, I'm going to drop this class." I didn't get what she was doing in the class then. What were all of the people that said they were going to drop that class doing in the class? I mean, isn't it a waste of their time if they could've just walked out of the class earlier when they realized that they were going to drop it? I don't get it. Maybe there's a bonus or an incentive that I'm not aware of. My roommate said that it was just a place for them to hang out and do their homework. But I still don't get why they wouldn't do their homework somewhere more interesting or more conducive to studying or getting their task accomplished than in my Statistics class! I'm fully confident that I will be successful in this class. I am signed up for the Workshop for Statistics - which turns the class into 5 units, instead of just 4 units. Basically, the professor ends the class about 40 minutes early instead of giving us breaks and if we stay until 5PM (which we were supposed to do anyway, and register for the lab, or workshop, then we get an extra unit and he will consider giving us a better grade if we don't do as well on our exams.) Also, I'm supposed to spend about 3 hours per week in the Math Lab. It's not that this class is so stinking hard, I'm actually really good at Statistics, even though it's supposed to be a really tough class. It's all the analysis stuff that I've always done at every job I've ever had that was accompanied by spreadsheets and graphs. I mean, at Sohnen, at FRS and at American Express I used it to supplement my work and I even have always used it to report information back to my managers and on my own business and for my business plans that I've made when I owned my own business and was seeking financing. It just never dawned on me that I would be taking a class that had theorem's and such that supported the information with rules and names and such. I feel like it's being taught backwards in a way. But, it's just that the professor is so comfortable with the way in which he does it. It's second nature to him, like if I was teaching multiplication to a first grader or something. Something that would come naturally to me; and it comes so naturally to him that I have trouble following the way he does it and the formulas he's using sometimes on the board. He's really fast, but I guess when you consider that every single lecture is a week's worth of lecture, that there's a lot of information to cover. So on Wednesday, I did essentially three weeks worth of homework - it wasn't hard, the quantity was just excessive. And it is a little ridiculous that the sample numbers that we're using for the problems will have quantities of like 50-100 numbers each to deal with and even though we can use calculators, the entire information has to be worked through with all of the work for each of the formulas shown worked out. So basically, each of the problems took anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to complete. I'm exhausted. Yesterday I went to the clinic in my pajamas. I didn't realize that I was going to be gone all day. I knew I was going to the acupuncturist, but I thought, who cares? I don't feel good and they can stick the damn needles in whether I'm in my pajamas or not! I didn't realize that I was also going to the doctor's office after that. They wanted me to stay and talk with another doctor, which meant that I had to hang around until after lunch was over (I had lunch down the street) and that I wouldn't get home until almost 3:30PM! Yes, it was so cool hanging out in my pajamas all day! By the way, the new acupuncturist is a million times better than the old one. The old one was awesome, but the new one... well, it's like it clicked what he's trying to accomplish and so it makes me wonder if I was even getting a "good" treatment in the last sixteen weeks?!?! It was like heaven! I'm so glad that Kyle is going to be with me throughout the year! And he's really excited because I ask a lot of questions and want to know what he's doing and what each point does and what it affects - and he obviously enjoys sharing what he's learning and doing. He's Asian and really quiet otherwise though, very mild-mannered and probably in his 40's - another late-blooming career-changer. Back to the subject of school... because I was getting my rear kicked in Statistics, I was thinking I should probably drop Psychology because I was guessing that if I multiplied that class by three as well (the principle of the accelerated Summer class) it would be like taking a nine unit class. However, after taking the orientation, I've decided that I will be finishing Psychology and will be getting an "A". Why do I know this? Because KK, no, my cat could take the class and get an "A". The professor was really lame and the homework is a piece of cake. I could essentially get all of it done in one weekend - and probably will, this weekend or next. It was a little disappointing. I was hoping that a subject that I happen to be fascinated by would at least be taught by someone that was informative or at least interesting, or require a moderate amount of work or thinking. But I guess, at this point, I should be grateful in light of all that is going on this term. I only have five more weeks to go! That seems so weird since I just started last week! Basically, you can all forget seeing or hearing anything from me for the next month or two, because I'm not going to be available! After that, I start fall term and I have jam-packed it just as full. So, I'm thinking I'm actually screwed for any social life until after December. But at least it's doing something that I want to do. I feel like I'm finally doing it! I'm worried about keeping up with my other responsibilities and what I'm going to do about even paying the bills or getting the grocery shopping done or anything that takes up any amount of time. But, I'm thinking Top Ramen doesn't take long to cook and can be done concurrently with homework. So, I won't be gourmet cooking and dining like I've been doing for the last year, but hell, I can always return to it. That's what Thanksgiving and Christmas are for, right? I'm looking forward to Christmas already (I've been planning something like an Open House that lasts for like a week or something with a week long feast and festivities that people can drop in on). It sounds like the coolest thing to me, and KK has already told me that I'm psycho for even thinking about Christmas as people are just starting to pull their shorts out of their drawers and head to the beach for Summer Vacation... hey! I've been called worse!

Two things I now love: Smokin' Cheddar BBQ Doritos (to die for!!!), they may have been discontinued, but I'm still able to find them at the AM-PM next to the clinic and Yogurt Flipz (White Chocolate or Chocolate Swirl) from Blockbuster.

I made pancakes, bacon and coffee for a date that came over for breakfast today. KK and I both thought he was obnoxious and couldn't wait for him to leave. Every time he'd turn his head we were both rolling our eyes and making faces. It was really funny. I hadn't meant for her to be involved so early on in the dating process, especially with this particular person, but it happened so quickly. This was the person that I had met across the street from my dentist that had lost my phone number and month's later we see each other out in front of the dentist again! This time we arrange to meet for a breakfast/afternoon extravaganza of different things. Well, he calls me this morning at about 7:30AM (no biggie, I already told him that I wake up at about 5:30 or so) and tells me that the plans have changed. He has a friend that he's doing things already with prior to phoning me and will be needing to meet up with him again at noon or so and will be free in the later afternoon again. He asks if I like coffee, which of course, I reply "yes". He immediately jumps in, "Great! So just tell me how to get to your place and we can decide what we're doing from there." Before I know it, I'm giving directions to my house. It's not until I hang up that I realize, I didn't really want to do that and am really uncomfortable with what's happened. Anyway, he gets to the house and I make a huge, awesome breakfast because he basically refuses to plan anything and doesn't make any moves to leave. At one point, he actually asks if he can stretch out. I ask him, "Like on the couch?" He says, "Well, I guess that would work, but I was hoping up there." (Pointing to my bedroom) He wasn't suggesting anything between the two of us. He wanted to go take a nap in my bed! I said, "I'm not really comfortable with you sleeping in my room at this point, but if you want to stretch out on the couch, I'll have KK move". I think by this point he realized that I did not like any of his tactics or his company at this point and that my daughter and I were kind of laughing behind his back. I only felt bad, because he didn't have an out planned and his friend wasn't picking up his phone or anything. I finally suggested that there were several modes of public transportation that he could use to find his friend and he left. I'm now wondering if he had slept the night before. If he did, he didn't shower when he woke up or at least, he didn't smell like it. Now, I'm being mean. At least he's not a myspacer, so there's a little liberty in what I can say here. Needless to say, I won't be going out with him again. I will be going to the movies with my friend C. tonight. This is the friend that I keep using as the "stand-by". There doesn't seem to be any expectations from him. He's fun to be with and he's attractive and doesn't want to hang out all night. We actually only get together once in a while - just enough to keep friends off my back when they ask if I'm dating again. Well, I can say yes, sort of.

I'm not even going to check my mail. I'm afraid to. Afraid of all of the responses I have to make and don't want to get wrapped up and sucked in all evening long. Just bear with me, ok? Don't send the threatening emails or leave whiney phone calls because it's just not going to work. KK's screening all of the calls anyway, I haven't even been getting the messages, and so I don't even have to hear the complaints. I just get the KK's Digest Version - and you know that translation isn't going to be even remotely close to what you intended! So save it for when I can hear it! I'll be ready for the tomato pelting in a couple of months.

COMMENTS:

This is a really exciting move for you - school is tough, especially with the accelerated classes - but SO worth the time, effort, tears, etc. And it's a good example for the daughter. Regarding stats, when I worked at University of Maryland we had a math teacher who told me that he hated when he had to teach stats because it was the devil's work. A math teacher! He shouldn't have been saying that, probably, but he was actually one of the best algebra teachers we had on faculty. Probably within the whole European division. He was personable and funny and people actually understood his class, as opposed to the way too brainy math teachers that were so over the heads of everyone else. Anyway, math is tricky, but stats is it's own ball of wax. Good on ya for gettin' it! Don't let the other students (who are probably enjoying a free ride from their parents and have to go to school to stay under their roof or something) get you down.
Posted by Kelly on Thursday, June 28, 2007 - 7:00 AM

Cheating

2007-06-05T01:08:00.000-07:00

I'm lazy and decided to copy most of this from a letter I wrote to someone else. I probably should've just blogged it anyway. The friend probably would've been more thankful... I mean, now they probably feel obligated to read the damn thing and worse, they might feel that they're supposed to respond to it! If I had only just clicked Post New Blog instead of Reply... well if wishes were fishes, my little Tardly...

It's just like me to be seeking out positives and compliments from everything. Constantly reading between the lines for the good things that you're thinking about me and how fabulous you really think I am - I'm not about to wait until you actually say it, because what if that doesn't happen? I mean, you might think I hear it so much that you don't want to add to the thousands of compliments I get every day. You're trying to be different and I respect that!

By the way, I picked up Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic the other day. It is absolutely one of the funniest stand up routines I've seen in a long time. You must see it. You must see it as soon as possible! Go get it now!

I'm distracted and need to drink some wine and go to bed or something. Not to mention my elbow is killing me because I'm typing laying with my elbow propping me up and poked into this ultra-cheap mattress and the springs have made a 1" or so deep groove into my flesh. Ouch! I woke up last night crying in pain, literally. I had my arms twisted above my head and was dreaming that my sister (not you Jen) was grinding her fists into my armpits and I was screaming in agony. When I woke up, I knew why, because this fricking uncomfortable bed makes me feel like my body is falling apart. I feel like I'm 90 fricking years old or something, it's ridiculous. I hobbled downstairs, slowly, yelping with each step. It took all of about 30 minutes for the pain to subside and I still had to return to the torture chamber to finish the night's sleep. I really should put some cash aside and get a decent mattress and boxspring. Did I tell you that I finally got my mattress off the floor of my bedroom and have replaced it with a real bed? Albeit a piece of shit mattress atop the bed, but nonetheless, a real piece of furniture. I feel almost human. I also put my great-grandmother's vanity/dressing table in my room and my dresser. It's beginning to look like a bedroom again. Now all I have to do is shovel all the garbage out of here into the dumpster or I'm never going to resume a normal living arrangement. Damn! And I was just getting used to eating on the lopsided dining table propped up against the corner of the two walls to keep it upright in the absence of its fourth leg that we've never managed to find in this mess. I'm going to give up on it and toss it (I know I'm going to find the leg the day that I do it - that's just my way life works, isn't it?)

On Friday, there's a massive furniture sale in San Francisco. Things discounted down to like literally 20% of their original cost. It's ridiculous how low the prices are printed in this advertisement I have posted on my refrigerator. I'm going to have to pick up some stuff. Hopefully, the sale and the merchandise will actually be as good as what they've advertised, because I've been planning on this sale for almost two months now and I've actually hired a couple and their moving truck to come with me so that we will be prepared to take furniture home and then move the stuff we're replacing to the dump after we get the new stuff here. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a bunch of awesome new things to replace all of the old damaged shit that I've been accumulating and living with the last few years. After that, if the electrician actually shows up to complete the last of his work, I will have the rest of the sheetrock and mudding completed, which will be followed by light installation (sconces and such that still haven't even been picked out) and then finally painting (one of my favorite things, seriously!) Hopefully, there will be some money to deal with the flooring. Maybe laminate flooring for the bedrooms and stuff or maybe more. If not, at least industrial paint and rugs for the main rooms (that's how Liza and Geza took care of their huge amount of square footage in the commercial building they live in and it looks pretty awesome.) I have some tile that was salvaged out of the Sunshine Cookie factory that I'm going to use in the bathroom/laundry area and maybe if I have enough the back area by the back door. I don't know what I'm going to do with the two rooms and the catwalk and dressing room that are in the back. It's just too much to think about sometimes. I get excited about the immediate changes and then I start listing it out and then the list gets longer and longer and more detailed and I realize there's still so much that I haven't even addressed and it sounds like I should be finishing it up and really I've just started. Except what about all of the other stuff that I haven't mentioned yet? I wonder if this place will ever get done?!?! Part of me wants to just leave it behind and another part of me knows how important it is for me to complete it. Not to mention that I really couldn't find an apartment even close to this big for this cheap, and to boot I have the additional space that can always be used to generate income (the storefront) if I ever get it fixed up. I mean to have a working space and a big living space with washer and dryer and convenient to public trans like I am... well, I just can't see leaving it. Then there's the factor of how much I've already invested in it so far and well, it looks like I'm going to be staying here at least to complete the five year lease. And I'll probably be begging them to extend it when that's up too.

Tomorrow's Tuesday, therapy, acupuncture... yeah!!! I like Tuesdays!

Well, I wrote an essay and my elbow survived, now onto the wine!

5AM Ramblings

2007-05-30T05:40:00.000-07:00

I guess this is my new official time. At least that's what my body keeps telling me. Wake up! It's 5AM! Today it was actually about 4:11 and I kept trying to close my eyes until 4:47 and I finally just gave up and woke up. I've never been a big early morning person, at least not until the last couple of years. Now I'm the little ray-o-sunshine in the morning. I was visiting some friends and would wake up early and clean their kitchen and fridge and do laundry while everyone slept. It's obscene, I know - like the little Molly Maids Fairy that comes in and fixes everything before everyone wakes up. I can't do chores here in the morning though. The layout sucks for any sort of noisy activity of any kind. You can whisper downstairs and hear it upstairs in the lofted areas. So I read or e-mail and blog or watch a movie. This is going to get tiresome as I just don't see e-mailing for hours on end every morning. Although, I guess school is coming up and maybe my homework schedule will fit in perfectly with my new morning hours.

My doctor visit yesterday revealed that even though I've been eating pounds of chicken wings, more extra cheesy pizza than a human should consume, whole racks of fat laden lamb, grilled cheese sandwiches by the dozens, I'm down on the scale. I weighed in at 107 lbs., which is one lb. less than my frightening weigh-in on 1/11/07. She informed me that my GI specialist has found a surgeon (a friend of his in San Francisco) that will do some procedure (procedure = surgery) that he thinks will help rectify the area of my intestine that's giving me so many problems. He said I'll experience less infection (less infection?!?! How about NO infection?!?!!!!!???!!!) in the area and that I might absorb some more fats. But the enzymes I'm taking aren't helping with that either, even though I thought they were. The jeans don't lie... they fall off as I walk down the street. I also have a kidney infection (what's new? My kidneys hate me and tell me that every day). My red blood cells are too large. She was trying to describe what that might mean and started getting to some scary stuff and then said that she believes it's a B12 deficiency. So I'm back to the B shots. My protein levels are low; don't know what I can do to change that, or even what it means to me physically as far as symptoms are concerned. There were way too many things to discuss besides that. And for anyone that is bored by all this medical nonsense, just know that this blog isn't for you and I'll have another retarded rant to share with you on another day. Then she says that she thinks I might be menopausal. Egad! I'm 35! I haven't had a period in almost two years and it was about five years the time before that, but it never dawned on me that all of this emotional crap might be the "change of life"!!! Fuck! I'm just not ready to have a 50-year-old body and all that goes with it. I started with a bad gene pool and then I've compounded the damage. Doc says, "it's a good thing (I've) finally started to live 'healthy', because things could be (exponentially) worse" I tell her that I didn't think shopping for Depends should be something I would consider as luck or fortunate and I definitely don't feel that menopause is something that should be thrilling for me at the moment either. Maybe they're wrong though; we're back to running tests.

Hmmm... KK. I love her. She's so cute and so smart. Yesterday I was outside and I see this girl scooting down the sidewalk and realize it's my daughter - grinning ear-to-ear. She's so excited it's bubbling out of her. She said something about the Tower and I wish I could've caught it, because I imagine it was some witty pun on her name (My hearing is declining to a point of being a nuisance at this point). Anyway, the 'F' has turned to an 'A' on the most recent progress report. So she's back once again to straight A's. Just an update in the ongoing Ms. Hightower Saga: KK lost her opportunity to go to Six Flags last weekend because she didn't turn in her homework last week and that compounded with the F (even though we all knew the Tower was fucking her over) I just had to make a lesson of it. I can't wait until this school year is over and I can report this teacher without fear of it impacting my daughter and how she'll be treated or the grade she's going to get. The Tower needs to come down! Kay helped me all weekend reorganize our bedrooms, move furniture, clean - she was a total maniac! She didn't just sit and watch me do all of the work as usual. She had rolled up the sleeves and was fully involved. She has her own bedroom once again and is so proud of it. It's so funny what makes her happy and the little things in her room, the details that make her excited or proud. She's such a goof! I guess in many ways like me.

We watched Little Miss Sunshine again, which I had never really seen all the way through and it made me laugh, which was a good thing, because I was really lonely and depressed this weekend. I wanted excitement and friends and a party - I got a movie, pizza and some wine. Hey, but at least A. came over and spent the night and got her pants pissed on by my cat. (I'm sure she was so happy about staying the extra 90 minutes to get them washed and dried.)

The last thing that's been bubbling in my noggin is something that Mark had suggested: a peer group, maybe even something like group therapy, that I run for former JW's. This group would possibly share ideas and work on developing social skills. Any one of us that has come from that life seems to share a common thread of social retardation. I mean our communication skills are usually way up. The ability to speak and develop intimacy quickly are usually highly developed skills. (I am speaking of romantic intimacy, but close relationships where people are sharing secrets, etc.) Those skills are what we use to try and develop friendships late in our life (because usually we find ourselves almost friendless and possibly without family when we leave, right?) actually seem to frighten people off. That speedy intimacy usually makes others wary of our motives and possibly discourages friendships to develop. When I unknowingly fall back into using some of these skills to develop friendships, I find that the intensity even tires me out. Yet, I find myself lonely and craving association and so the drive is refueled by sheer need. I've spoken with many former female JW's about dating and romantic relationships that also share some of these components. Because we were taught that dating was not to be taken lightly and only should result in marriage, many of us dated and then married the first person that we came into contact with. Even if we didn't date other JW's... take a close look at some of the patterns in dating, even after you left the organization (especially those of us that spent our teens and adult years in the org, the dating and married years). A woman, former JW, recently shared that she would date men and even if they didn't have many of the qualities that she was looking for in a partner, that she fanned the symbolic fire of romance and concentrated on all of the positive qualities that she did like and she would continue trying to develop this relationship with the unsuited prospect instead of moving on and dating another. And how many of us had difficulty with the idea that dating could just be that, dating? Dating for fun, with no intentions of pursuing a marital relationship. Giving us the chance to enjoy the company of another person socially, (developing those necessary social skills) and having a good time. She said it was really hard to flip the switch so to speak, that she could date and have a long-term relationship be the last thing on the agenda, possibly not even on the agenda at all. And I identified when she said that dating was stressful. Well, if you're not doing it for fun and you have to make sure you have an ideal match with the first person that you meet, that really puts the pressure on, doesn't it? Anyway, Mark's idea was a group to develop social skills and discuss some of these problems of making friends, developing social skills, how to make friends, where to find friends, etc. Obviously, this is a problem that is unique to a specific set of people, and not really understood by anyone that hasn't gone through it. I'm going to come up with an ad that I'm going to run on Craigslist and the East Bay Express and SF Weekly. Probably run the group every other week and see how it goes. If anyone, probably former JW's would be the appropriate response group here, has any ideas for the group or even for the ad I would appreciate all comments and/or suggestions. What would peek your interest in an ad in a paper for a group like this? Any other ideas or comments? I know people like Jen have more friends than I do in this category and Darc, you know some too. If you wouldn't mind sharing this idea with others that you might know and getting feedback it would be greatly appreciated. I'm not looking to create an organization-bashing group or anything. This is going to be a positive atmosphere and more of a recovery and growing space than anything else. Also, this is another blog that I've posted for Friends Only for fear of being the weirdo and not wanting to scare potential "friends" off. Anyway, if you were to direct one of your friends to this blog, they wouldn't be able to see it, so you'd have to cut-and-paste if you wanted to share for the purpose of idea exchange.

Boys, Guys, Men, Dudes, Males, Misters, etc.

2007-05-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

I would like to have a man in my life. Why? They cause so many problems and usually don't meet my expectations. I hate that I need one. It's not this overwhelming crazy desire, but ti's something that keeps surfacing in my subconscious and now finally my conscious mind. I want a man!

So, the logical next move would be that I'm going to start dating again. Did I actually say that? Yuck! I mean dating can be cool, first kisses and excitement and all the cool newness of it all. But I hate figuring it all out and don't even begin to know where I'm going to turn.

Let it happen. Well, it isn't going to. The likelihood of some man knocking on the door of Hotel Bigg Tuna and introducing himself as a prospective suitor is, ummmm.... nil. So I'm going to have to put myself out in the world if nothing else and at least create opportunities to allow things to happen even if I don't decide to proactively get this ball rolling myself. I have made a couple of calls to at least one person and was totally turned down. I was embarrassed, it was just an invitation to a movie, but he knew what was up and I was rejected, just like that. My theory: I'm just not datable. It's as simple as that.

I'm getting whacky, what can I say? No sex makes Joy a whacky girl. And it's going on a good six months or so now. Yikes! Maybe this isn't the place to put a timetable of sexual activity. Screw it, if I'm going to write about bathroom habits and all the the various other subjects of my mental waste I've displayed, sex should be the least of my concerns.

So I revised this blog to be a "Friends Only" blog. Of course, when I wrote it I didn't realize that when I revised my profile that all the lurkers would be reading this I-need-a-man-blog and reading how sex starved I am...stupid me! Well, needless to say, I received more than a few e-mail offers and changed my blog as soon as I figured it out. (I dun larned my lesson!) Maybe I'll post the e-mails for shits and giggles, that could be fun, eh?

COMMENTS:

well any man who turns YOU down, is dumb, and unaware of what he would be missing.
Posted by a. on Monday, May 28, 2007 - 1:08 PM

Just because you're a liar, a thief, a loser...

2007-05-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

doesn't make me one. It just makes me stupid for having ever reduced myself to a level to believe that I deserved a companion like you. One day you'll learn that the world will continue to rotate long after you're gone. There is so much truth in your name, you were angered by it when we joked about it because you saw the truth in it. Only, it's not a joke any longer, just a tragedy.

COMMENTS:

Girl, we need to talk.
Posted by Jason on Wednesday, May 16, 2007 - 9:18 PM

Given the axe

2007-05-16T08:47:00.000-07:00

Electronically being deleted. Such a simple action and yet for the person performing the deletion, it must feel like a huge action. To the recipient, it could also feel monumental. Is this like Junior High? You're not my friend anymore?!?! - such a simple action and yet such a loud statement. If someone wants to delete someone as a friend, the Internet makes it such a simple thing to do something so meaningful. A relationship of years, reduced to the click of a button - and that's it? That's the only explanation, the only effort required? Delete?!?! I guess it shows the depth of the individual that would communicate the ending of a relationship by clicking a button as opposed to picking up the phone and talking to the person or having a face-to-face conversation with them. That would be much too adult-like. They might be called out on their inadequacies or maybe emotions would come up, or maybe they would realize what a total schmuck they had been throughout the relationship. Oh well, guess I'll never know - I've been deleted.

Postponing Mother's Day

2007-05-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

That's what we do around my house when we want something and time won't allow for it. Don't I wish life really worked that way? Yes, we are postponing Mother's Day here. Why? Because KK is in Pasadena today, representing Iraq or some other Middle Eastern country in a National Model United Nations Conference. Can she really be MY little 12 year old? The delay of the holiday (I guess not a holy day, but whatever) is because I want to be acknowledged, damn it! I want a moment for someone, especially her, to say, "You've done a good, no, a GREAT job!" This is so important to me, especially right now. I need the accolades, the acknowledgement, the gratitude. I could use money too! But, seriously, I'd trade the other for cash at this moment in time. It's become so important to me lately. I wonder how my Mom felt when this day would pass and not one of us would acknowledge her for her hard work? I can truthfully say that it never even crossed my mind to thank her, to thank anyone or acknowledge any mother, until she was long gone. She gave so much and I really took it for granted. So I'll say it here, today, thank you Mom. Thank you for continually reaching out even when I rejected you time and time again. Thank you for not just leaving the door open and the light on, but continually, long after teenage years were past, coming to my rescue and finding me and showing me the way home, giving me a home. Thank you for making my place a home when I couldn't, all of the times you painted, cleaned and cared for me when I was at my wits end. Thank you for loving me when I didn't love you. Thank you for caring about the things I loved, when it didn't seem like anyone else did. Thank you for teaching me how to be a woman. Thank you for the small things you taught me like how to iron, how to wash a load of laundry, how to really clean a kitchen or a bathroom, how to burn a meal (yes, I've managed to improve on your cooking, but thank you for making me learn how to do it and show an interest in it). Thank you for teaching me how to handle my financial affairs, how to pay a bill, how to get myself out of debt and still manage to have a life (you did that so many times for our family). Thank you for teaching me to read at such an early age and encouraging my love of reading which made me such a fantastic student. Thank you for noticing my love of music and teaching me to play the piano at such an early age. Thank you for the many nights of comfort as a teenager who was filled with hate and angst and self-loathing and giving me a place to cry even when I often bit the hand that comforted me. Thank you for the many nights of comfort and encouragement when I was pregnant with KK. Mom, I faulted you so often for not understanding, for not getting me, for being too simple. But even in my perceived simplicity of you, you were consistent in your love. It may sound so crazy that I am glad that you died before my letter was delivered to the family; the letter that marked the turning point of my familial support and became the demonstration of conditional love. I am glad because I can continue on in my belief that you would have never turned your back on me - that you wouldn't have allowed over five years to pass in such a way. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Maybe it's because I'm undertaking this huge cleanup remodeling project and wish that you were here to come help, like you always would have before. Maybe it's because KK is doing so well and I wish you were here to see it. Maybe because I'm doing such an awesome job and I feel so good about myself right now and I wish you were here to see the highlights. I just miss you right now, today. I loved you then and I love you now. I wish we could have postponed you for this Mother's Day

COMMENTS:

Happy Breeder day!!

Joy you have done a wonderful job and I know that there has been a lot of ups and downs - but none that has diminished the love that you have for your Kay. She makes me proud and not only does she look soooo much like you when you were young but she has the loving soul and such a good heart.

Well done my sister!

Posted by I am ninja! on Monday, May 14, 2007 - 11:40 AM

As for the second part of this blog - thank you Joy for letting me see this side of the love that mom had for all of us.

I wish one day I can let all the bitterness go from the religious group telling her that she could not talk to me and deal with me. I remember when Mom & Dad had their 25th and I was not there - I remember looking at pictures after I returned from SF and her saying that this day was one of the hardest days for her because I was not part of the group and she did not know how to deal with a daughter that was no longer her daughter.

I hope one day I can love without the hate - because I know she hated it as much as I did - I hope one day that the earlier years become clearer than the fuzzy memories shrouded by some of this hatred.

I love you Joy and I am so proud of what you have become and what she helped made you become and what a great testament of how lovely our mother was.

I wish I could hug you now - J

Posted by I am ninja! on Monday, May 14, 2007 - 11:46 AM

Plaid skirts and knee highs

2007-05-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm returning to school, but won't need a uniform, damn! I remember as a kid and even up into my teenage years always wanting to go to a private school so that I could wear a uniform. I know, I was retarded then too. Not only did I actually like the uniforms and the way they looked, but I liked the fact that I wouldn't have to pick out what to wear every day. It was like being part of a secret club and they took the guess work out of dressing - something I'd like to do every day. Couldn't we all just wear uniforms and take the guess work out of dressing every day? We wouldn't have to shop for the latest fashions or get caught up in how many seasons that skirt has been hanging in the closet not being worn, should I throw it away or keep it just in case I decide to wear it at the next non-event? None of that. Just keeping the uniform clean. Einstein used to have the same clothes, a uniform so-to-speak, to wear everyday. The same thing every day, just a clean version of it. The idea was that he wouldn't clutter up his brain with the day-to-day mundane decisions. I just need to come up with what I will wear for my "uniform" and then I'm ready to buy seven. Actually, it's never going to happen so don't start the protest via comments.

So back to the opening sentence, I'm going back to school. Yes, I'll be enrolling in a whole 7.5 units for Summer Semester and 19 units for Fall 2007. A pretty full load for my reentry into the educational world, but why not? I'm excited and ready for it to start already. I'm ready for homework, papers, tests and finals. I want it all, now. Studious me. Maybe I'm just avoiding the three rooms that are teeming with shit that needs to be sorted through, organized and cleaned. Maybe I'm avoiding the divorce I need to proceed for with. Maybe I'm avoiding the back child support case I need to start. Maybe I'm avoiding the dozen or so remodeling projects that need to be done to make my home functional. Who knows, at least I'll be accomplishing something - something for me this time! Yeah me! I've been working on my Mission/Values Statement and believe it or not I'm the focus of it. It's all about me, not about friends, family, significant (or not-so-significant) others, nor is it about my daughter - but about me and fulfilling my life's ambitions and desires.

I bought a refrigerator (finally). Out with the teeny, tiny apartment-sized refrigerator that I've been suffering with for the last two years and in with the awesome, mega-supersized stainless steel refrigerator! I can't believe I'm excited about a fridge! But if you saw the bungee cord that's holding the condiments in on the third shelf on the door or saw me quickly dodge as the items in the freezer start their avalanche-like slide out of their home, you'd understand. I also have the electrician coming in for the last day so that my electricity will work (finally) after paying three different electricians and still being stuck on extension cords throughout the house, I'll be extension cord free and maybe even have a place to plug my hair dryer in next to the mirror IN THE BATHROOM! Whoah! What a concept! No more brushing my teeth in the kitchen with the living room lamp plugged into an extension cord on the kitchen counter. The overhead lights work! Yipee!

Today is significant as well as I will be turning in my last missing year of taxes and then I'm caught up. Three years behind no more. Joy is caught up and life is good. No more running from Mr. IRS. It's such a good feeling.

Went to a wedding last night that was absolutely beautiful. Yet so many mixed feelings about being there and the company that was present. I just don't fit in. I don't want to fit in either. He asked me this week if there was a chance that we would be getting back together and especially after seeing all of the exes this weekend and all of the potential next-in-lines... I'm not that person. I don't want to be and don't know how I ever was that person. We're not even on the same plane. I give him my blessing! Go for it!

COMMENTS:

YEA!! We're both students. Let the book larnin' begin!!
Posted by Jason on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 - 5:42 PM

Ohhhh..... I am SO happy for you!!!!

Also - just be like me. Uniform = jeans & a plain tee. Every. Day. Of. My. Life. :)

Posted by Kelly on Wednesday, May 09, 2007 - 6:14 AM

I dun need skewl.

Posted by I am ninja! on Wednesday, May 09, 2007 - 10:39 AM

I am a retard magnet

2007-04-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, I am walking to the bus stop from the dentist's office and this man very politely starts up a conversation and then admits that he's started the conversation in the hopes of talking to me further at a cafe or something possibly. We continue to walk and then end up standing on the corner and talking for about a half hour about family, parenthood, work, the world, etc. It was very nice, polished, intelligent conversation. He was handsome, he said that he was in the general area because his grandmother lives across the street from the dentist and he encourages her to exercise by walking with her three times a week. (Could he seem any sweeter?) After the fabulous conversation and realizing that I can't tie him up any longer, because his errands aren't getting done and his poor grandma will be waiting, I suggest that we exchange phone numbers. I pull out my address book and we have more interesting conversation when he recognizes my "Franklin Covey Planner" and has a little humor at my expense, yet, it was very tasteful as he still acknowledges the planner's usefulness. Anyway, he seemed very glad that I gave him my number and I was even excited at the possibility of seeing him the next day (as I had to go to the dentist again today at the same time). I might have even mentioned it to him. Well, I didn't see him on the way to or from the dentist, nor did I see him at the cafe that was next to the bus stop (that I believe he either said he frequented or maybe even might have held a job there at some point? I missed the detail, but it wasn't very pertinent to the conversation.) Anyway, I came home today and shared the news with my roommate (I hadn't seen her in a couple of days) and called Mikaela to see what she was doing this evening. After I confirmed that she was going to be spending the night out, I decided that I was going to give this guy a call and invite him to a movie. Only problem is, the phone number he gave me is answering with a fax machine. He was having trouble remembering it, new phone number or something, I think he said. Anyway, I dropped the idea momentarily. Then I decided to reverse lookup the number, no result. Better, his name is very unique, I'll look him up on information... still, no luck. Better idea and more entertaining, I'll google him. Bingo! Only I didn't exactly retrieve the information I was looking for. Instead I find a 2003 newspaper article that outlines that he has been arrested for harrassing a cafe owner (the cafe owner has a restraining order out on him) and he "allegedly" got into the home of an elderly man and raided the refrigerator and used his computer. I guess it did say allegedly and it doesn't say whether the elderly man knew him or not, whether he was there or not. Actually, after talking to a friend about this, she even came up with a plausible explanation for the restraining order from the cafe owner and then the extra stirred up excitement when the media was able to connect these two stories through the police's neighborhood internet chat site that they were auditing and reporting on back in 2003. I have decided that I am not going to bring up the fact that I googled him and found out all of this information about him. However, my immediate thought is... why me? Why can't I just meet some really nice, normal person? However, I wonder if someone were to google my life and find out all the juicy tidbits that have happened to me since 2003, well they'd probably have an ear and eyeful too. The point is, I don't want to date someone with MY history. I'd like to stay as far away from MY history as possible. I was really hopeful... he was so cute, so smart, so sweet... and for god's sake... he takes his Grandma on a walk three times a week!!! But leave it to me... I am the retard magnet, afterall.

So my friend called me up, she's going to take me to the symphony tonight. Sounds safe. On second thought, maybe I should google her first...

COMMENTS:

Oh, Joy! Amusing.... and yet.... damn.
Posted by Kelly on Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 10:38 AM

ha ha ha - I almost peed myself at certain points on this one. Joy, have I not said that it does not matter what wrong we have done to ourselves and the world - we must judge others harshly?!?!? Why do you forget the first and most important rule of life???? Shame on you......

p.s. google me and take off everything you find!

Posted by I am ninja! on Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 11:24 AM

Suitcase is still at the front door

2007-04-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back from vacation for several days now, but the suitcase is still not completely unpacked and is still at the front door. I guess I'll finish it up by this weekend. I had a fantastic time. It was fairly carefree. I enjoyed my time in Venice Beach immensely. I went to the beach, got my nose pierced, had a complete makeover (from a hair makover specialist in Beverly Hills that works on Penelope Cruz, Kate Keckinsale and Catherine Zeta-Jones to name a few) and made shopping trips to Neimann Marcus, Off 5th (Saks 5th Avenue sales store) and Anne Klein. I also made more than a few stops to Michael's Arts & Crafts so that we could get many hours of crafting and gift making done. I got caught up on lots of cable television shows and quilting and crafting shows. Thanks to Tivo. I saw an incredible play called Feed and found at least three really good restaurants. I ate at some of my faves too. We found a new italian restaurant that was divine, a taco joint that we've passed by for years that we ended up eating at three times it was so good (Tito's Tacos, yummy!), a fantastic Indian food joint called Hurry Curry, a BBQ place that wasn't too bad their tri-tip and ribs were good (their side dishes weren't that great, but we couldn't win them all) and then I topped it off with good old Falafel King and In-n-Out Burger, oh and more Tito's Tacos. (I want Tito's up here!) Where else can you get the best hard tacos for $1.45? Only in LA at Tito's! The last weekend, beginning on Friday night, I had Jason drive me to my dad's house and I stayed until my flight took off on Monday afternoon. I had a great outing shopping & lunching at Macaroni Grill with Heather and she even endured my Dad and talked with us both for hours! I had some good talk time with my dad and his wife and got to see all of my family for the first time in over five years. It was really good to see my grandparents and my brother and his girls especially. I miss my brother so much! His girls, especially the oldest one are adults! Time has flown by. My dad saw the piercings and tattoos and didn't seem to be too phased by them. They were discussed, but they're all fairly conservative, so it wasn't that big of a deal, or that much of conversation. He wants me to move down to Southern California, but I was able to firmly state that I have unfinished business to take care of up here and that this is my home with my girl. I need to finish living this part of my life here, in Oakland. I still have so much to do and it's just starting to get good. The visit with my dad was just long enough to not be irritating and just short enough for him to invite me back for more and for me to agree to do it. There wasn't really too many things that were uncomfortable, alot more in my head and I veered away from all of the other uncomfortable subjects with very clear, "I really don't want to discuss that in detail." Everything else, he seemed to be aware of the boundaries on. He was very conscientious of the fact that I needed my space, my privacy, some downtime and time to recoup when there were too many people around. My family is very loud and even obnoxious. As much as I love them, I really am very embarrassed of them when they get all together in public forums. There is no exaggeration of their behavior either, it's tacky, to say the least. I still love them though - and miss them. I will go back and I won't wait five years to do it either.

COMMENTS:

You continue to be the most mind-blowing friend I have had, Joy, and considering the depth and width of the gene pool I have been drowning in for a few years now, that's quite the compliment. I want your ability to rebound into alternate universes apparently at will, and I am actually beginning to fear your hidden talents.

I love you and miss you and promise to be not-a-bloodsucker-in-the-least if we manage to bump into one another soon and trade amputation and recovery stories.

I just realized, your progeny M probably has a terrifying recombination of your unholy skills. She has a monumental future ahead of her.

Posted by BloodyFNMess on Wednesday, April 25, 2007 - 12:05 AM

M (or KK) does have a monumental future in front of her. You have no idea. To give you a brief taste: She's a straight A student, participates in all kinds of after school activities (managing her own calendar and her own life... I don't have much of a say in it other than to tell her that I'm her mom and I ultimately am THE AUTHORITY), I get fabulous notes from her teachers telling me how much they love her (except for her English teacher who told me that ultimately she was a "B" student and why wasn't I happy with a B? When I told her that I would be happy with a B - if that was what she deserved, the teacher get all flipped out and angry with me. She's a recovering addict and she yells at the kids and is really disorganized and blames her lack of organization and competence on the kids. I hate her! Her name is Ms. Hightower and KK and I have come up with a phrase "Down with the Tower!" It reflects our spirit that she will conquer this year and ultimately show Ms. Hightower that she is not a "B" student just to conquer the "tower" and to make her eat her words. I love that about KK!!) Anyway, she loves horses and has been shopping for one. Part of her shopping has included a letter to one of our friends where she is applying for a summer vacation on our friends farm so that she can have the experience of caring for a horse, sort of like an apprentice position. This week KK has informed me that she believes she wants to be a brain surgeon. I think she's serious too! She spends an awful lot of time watching Grey's Anatomy lately and is very concerned about the amount of money she will need to save for college. We bought a map of the world and yesterday she filled out her application for a passport so that we can start changing the pins from one color to another (one color pin identifies the places in the world we want to go, the other color identifies the places in the world that we've been to). She cleans, cooks, monitors my calendar every morning so that she knows my schedule and writes me notes about my day (sometimes I'll see the note after I get back from clinic in the morning or sometimes I'll see the note when I wake up because she let me sleep in that particular day - my day's usually start at 5:30AM). She will pick things off the shopping list that's posted on the refrigerator and grab the card and go buy them from the grocery store (providing me with a receipt so that I can track the purchases and verify that there was no unnecessary spending or to see what kind of "deal" she was able to get). She wants to start a program to help the kids at school become aware of global warming and then seek out a grant (this is more of my idea now) to fund the project so that we can have it truly make an impact in our community by identifying ways in which the kids can do things to turn the situation around. She has come up with an awesome idea for a business that we are going to start this year. It's a pet-sitting/house-sitting business. We've already named it, come up with the logos for it and have started a marketing plan. We will probably start the trial offer in May 2007. KK is awesome! I couldn't ask for a better daughter, a better roommate, a better girl in my life. I didn't ever think that I wanted to be a mom. I've changed my mind. She's changed it for me. Don't you love her too?
Posted by Joy on Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 9:17 AM

Ok, here's my answer. I am glad it went well! :)
Posted by Darc on Tuesday, May 29, 2007 - 9:37 AM

Quiz Time (Thanks to Kelly)

2007-04-19T16:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Quiz Time (Is it "Happy" because it's Quiz Time? Or is it just Happy Quiz Time?... oh, who knows, just complete the damn quiz!)

1. Do you still talk to last ex?
Yes, unfortunately, I talk to many of the last exes.

2. Is it harder to be rejected or to reject someone?
I think they both carry their own awful weight. Rejection as a whole sucks!

3.What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Duran Duran and Stray Cats, before that I listened to records of Disney movies where the entire soundtrack of the movie including all of the dialogue was on LP. I will watch some of these movies and know them, word for word, every little nuance and inflection. I didn't realize why I knew The Rescuers so well, and kablam! the memory came back to me out of nowhere.

4. What is the best thing about your current job?
Not having one. Having plenty of time to spend with my daughter, getting personal stuff done, remodeling and decorating my place, grocery shopping and cooking.

5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was a required class?
No. I wish instead computerized voicemail menus would be banned from phones and be replaced by live operators. I'd rather have an incompetent person answer the phone than another computerized voicemail with 5,000 options to get me lost in voicemail hell!

6. What's the last thing you drank?
Soy milk while I was shopping at Trader Joe's and sampling the Ginger Snap cookies.

7. Have you been on a date in the past week?
I went on a lunch date with a friend of the same sex. She very generously took me out to a fantastic, delicious lunch and we had great conversation and caught up on years in which we hadn't seen each other. Thank you, H! I had an awesome time!!! It wasn't a romantic date, obviously, but the definition of date leaves room for interpretation, doesn't it?

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Kay says Australia. I was hoping Greece. But, in all reality, it will probably be a five day cruise of the Mexican Rivera.

9. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
Nope, but I pretty much throw up over anything these days. At least I'm down from 10+ times per day to a couple of times per week.

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Mostly new. A couple of old. Had a huge life change a couple of years ago that completely overhauled the friends/family in my life and left me devoid of any.

11. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't know what was going on?
That is a ridiculous question! If I didn't know what was going on, I wouldn't likely remember it to report it now, would I?

12. Do you like pulpy orange juice?
I like moderately pulpy orange juice. Enough to know that it is fresh squeezed, but not to make it a food. It is a drink, afterall.

13. Are you touchy feely?
I have a difficult time breaking the touch barrier. But with the right person am very touchy/feely and don't have limitations (as far as public displays of affection, etc.) Otherwise, I'm pretty much a keep my distance, this is my personal space kinda person.

14. Did you cry at your high school graduation?
Puh-lease! I didn't even attend my high school graduation. I didn't think it was very important.

15. Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun?
Uh, lets see... cancer in the form of uncomfortable, space age furniture. Hmmm.... I'll opt for nature, anytime.

16. What are two of your favorite places to eat?
Home and other people's homes.

17. What could you tolerate...someone who snores or a sleep walker?
I could tolerate both. They're both slightly bothersome or strange, but I sleep very deeply and probably wouldn't notice either anyway.

18. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
Unless we're talking living in two zones or two bears, and I guess I don't qualify under either of those definitions, uh, no.

19. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
Being a non-farter. Cleaning up trash in public places (like picking up papers at the bus stop). Oh, I used to obsess about collecting cans and plastic, even though I don't care about the "cash in" part of recycliing, it's more about obsessing about recycling itself - I'd pull over in the Mercedes so that I could pick up a discarded can or bottle on the side of the road. It just looked ridiculous.

20. What's your worst personality flaw?
Being late. Talking too much and/or not listening to someone else when I'm excited about what I have to say.

22. Would you ever parachute off of a plane?
I've thought about it. I'm very afraid of heights, although I've heard it's totally unrelated in fears. I don't know, seems sort of silly to jump out of a perfectly good airplace. However, I've heard the experience is thrilling and I'd like to do it just to say I've done it and know what it feels like.

23. Have you ever ridden an elephant?
I don't think so. I vaguely have a memory of our family riding elephants at the zoo when I was little, but I don't have a memory of it if I actually rode one or not.

24. Are you Irish in any way?
I don't think so. I'm American Mutt, but I don't think I have any Irish in me.

25. Have you ever ridden in a U-Haul?
Yes, across the US! Well, half of the US. Actually, I think that was a Ryder truck.

26. Do you like to play Scrabble?
I love it and am very good at it.

27. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Yes, I was young, pre-20's, took the day off work even and got really sunburned and then had to take another day off work and make up a lamer excuse as to why I needed the second day off. It was totally humiliating though as the passersby were old, gawking men and there were plenty of them.

28. Have you ever drank Jack Daniels?
Yes, often. It is my ex's favorite liquor. Cocktails were always JD & Coke. However, I haven't had one since he's been gone.

29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
The cocktail or the activity? I've had both.

30. What are you saving your money up for right now?
Few things. Remodeling my place and filling it with all of the things I want. New furniture, a bathroom with cool hardware, a new sink and an awesome medicine cabinet, a FULL-SIZE REFRIGERATOR!!!!, flooring, an electric upgrade (so I can get rid of all the damn electric cords in my place), salt-water tanks and new fishies and of course my world travelling plans!

31. What was the last giftcard you received?
Victoria's Secret. Thanks to Jennifer (Although, it was due to the items not fitting and needing to return them for credit.) But now, I can get exactly what I want at the store. You have to love the Secret Embrace bra - almost as good as cosmetic surgery without the price tag!

32. Who do you like right now?
I just met someone today that I think I might like. He walked up to me on the street and just started walking with me and introduced himself to me. We had one of the best conversations I've had in months! We exchanged phone numbers. It was really cool and really boosted my self-esteem. I've been thinking about it all day.

33. Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your opinion of him or her?
No. Although, I don't typically go around asking people how many people they've slept with and don't really think it's any of my business. I'm also glad that we don't have to post the number of people we've slept with on our bodies in a conspicuous spot, because I think many people judge people on this detail.

34. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only straight person?
That would be queer. hehehe. No.

36. What is your favorite Disney movie?
I was going to say Monsters, Inc and realized that it wasn't a Disney movie. Oh hell, I don't know, maybe The Lion King. When I was little it was Sleeping Beauty because I thought Aurora was absolutely beautiful and I loved the theme song. But the movie sucks now.

37. How old will you be in 10 months?
Just turning another year older.

38. Do you think you'll be married by then?
Hopefully I'll be divorced by then.

39. Do you speak any other language?
I speak a little of many languages. Studied French for four years. Studied and spoke Spanish for years. Studied and spoke Armenian for years. I've fallen out of practice with all and it's amazing how much and how fast you forget if you don't use it. I love foreign language, it's like secret code. Am always interested in learning a little more.

40. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
For the first time this year. The cab ride home was more traumatic.

41. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
The ocean, but wouldn't toss the option of having a pool out if offered.

42. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
Yes, it's the way I learned how to drive was on a manual transmission. My parents figured if you could drive a stick, you could always drive an automatic. Thank you, Mom.

Scared, Anxious, Nervous... Vacation is supposed to be FUN!

2007-04-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm off on my first vacation in years. I'll be gone for close to ten days and having a blast with people I love and care about. I'll be soaking in the sun, doing some cultural stuff, enjoying time with my girl and good friends. So why this lump in the pit of my stomach? At the tail end of the trip is a visit with my dad. I made plans to spend at least two nights with him and even to visit the Kingdom Hall to see him give the Special Talk. What was I thinking? So I can sit there for two hours without dying, but I'm worried about all of the relatives and friends that haven't seen me in five years. I haven't talked to my own sister in five years. I haven't seen my grandparents in five years (in addition to most of my relatives). I'm scared shitless. More than anything, I'm scared that I will fall back into the spineless chameleon, pretending to be whatever it is they want me to be just so that I can have a few precious moments with them and receive their love. Pathetic, isn't it? I refuse to let that happen though. I have a plan. I'm just going to have a Plan B, before the Plan C. Plan C, by the way, is GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AS QUICK AS POSSIBLE! Plan B is taking a breather and telling them that I really don't feel comfortable talking about that subject or doing that or whatever and in order for us to continue enjoying our visit together we should discontinue discussing this, doing this, etc. and then leaving for a moment or two... breathing and regrouping when I feel like I can do it again. Wish me luck. Hold a big space for me and my authenticity, we all know I could've used that kind of support a decade or two ago. See you all on the flipside. Bon Voyage!

COMMENTS:

So what happened? How was the trip? Did you end up seeing your family?
Posted by Darc on Tuesday, May 29, 2007 - 9:29 AM

Missing a Limb

2007-03-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

I can make jokes and say things are better and improved and going in the right direction. I can say it's been a long time coming and at last, it's finally here... but the fact of the matter is... it's here, it's happened and it hurts. Even though it shouldn't, even though I have a million reasons why I should feel better, feel relief. Tonight I feel heavy, like a ton of bricks is weighing on my chest. My heart hurts. It's been several days and I ran into him early this morning at the clinic. Immediately, my heart did a little flip-flop and I might have even smiled. I wanted to ask him how he was and how he slept and say something maybe even encouraging. I wanted to hug him, not to build him up or make him feel better, but because I just wanted to feel the hug. I wanted to feel another person hugging me, caring about me, but more importantly, at that moment I needed or rather wanted it to be him. Someone had given him a ride and I had taken the bus. I asked if I could have a ride home and he told me to go outside and ask the driver (a friend). I went outside and didn't see the driver. It was just a small oversight, he was laying down resting, waiting for him to come out. But I'm glad it went the way it did... because as soon as I walked back in, I realized that I needed to take the bus home. I needed to do it for my sanity, to feel normal. Apparently, they talked about waiting for me and he convinced the driver that I was adamant about wanting to ride the bus home. I'm glad. I don't think I would've been able to continue walking by if they had still been outside when I walked outside.

I did something stupid this weekend. I took a ride with a friend even though I knew that it would probably mean running into him. I don't know where my head was at when I agreed to go along. I mean, I could've joined them later to accomplish the same end result (going out for Sunday Bloody Mary's). Anyway, I don't know if I thought it would make it seem like everything was alright and we could be friends or maybe I just didn't fucking think... but there I was standing face-to-face with him. Standing in his fucking space. I mean, it's the last place someone would have ever expected me to go (I've only been there a couple of times in the last couple of years). He should've been able to view it as his "safe space", after all, I expect my space to be respected and I want it to feel safe. I don't want to walk in and find him sitting on my couch or have him walk in with my roommate or one of my friends, like it's no big deal. But I screwed up and apologized. I was sure as hell uncomfortable, he was uncomfortable and I imagine that most everyone else was wondering what the hell I was doing over there. I'll chalk it up to bad judgment this time and just not do it again.

Back to the hole in my heart. Actually, the hole's been there for a long time, but now I feel like something missing - an arm, a leg, part of my brain. I feel a little scattered and lost. I haven't been sleeping in the bed, instead I've been sleeping downstairs on the couch, fully clothed. I guess I'm pretending like I don't "go to bed" anymore... or maybe that's what I'm trying to convince myself. "I've just passed out on the couch again, because if I go to sleep, that means I have to go to my room, see his clothes hanging in the closet still, look at little remains of him everywhere and sleep in the bed - alone. I wanted this, I still do, but it doesn't stop it from hurting.

I finally cried today. It felt good, I needed to. There's going to be a bigger one on the way. I can feel it... building up, like a storm brewing, the pressure in the air building until the floodgates release. Same thing. Pressure in the chest building, pressure in the head, and I just need a huge cry. I asked him to hug me goodbye today. Mistake. I shouldn't have done it. I thought I needed it. I do need it, but it didn't make it right. I want to be loved, by someone that has the capability of loving me completely. I want to be hugged by someone that has the same morals and ethics that I hold dear. I want to share my life with someone that has similar goals and aspirations. But damn, sometimes, it just feels good to have another human body hold onto you. It lets you know you're here, you're alive, it feels good to have the strength and support of the hug. I didn't want to let go. I wanted all of it, but it's not all there to have, I could've continued the hug and the loss and absence of what's needed would've started to settle in and I'd rather pretend like if I had kept hugging it would've washed away all of the hurt, pain, tragedy, shit that the last few years, fuck, my life as a whole keeps introducing.

I want someone to wrap their arms around me and make the emptiness go away, the fucked up feeling that I can't fix on my own. (Don't say it, I'm already quite well aware that it's not for anyone else to do but me.) I still want the fantastic feeling of a lover's support, strength, encouragement, love, just the physical presence is enough sometimes... the heartbeat, the warmth, the strength of the arms. On that note, I think I'll curl up on the couch with my cats and try to put this blog out of my head. Too bad this one wasn't installed with a handle to flush with... because I think this feeling is staying for a while.

COMMENTS:

I don't think I have ever cried as I have talking to you and finding out who you are Joy. I love you and though the hug of a friend is not the same - nor will it ever be - I wish I could hug you and hold you. I am sorry you were sick when I called you and it doesn't help that this is shitty too. You have said a number of times that you are glad that I lived and survived the obsticals and accidents in my life. But I find myself glad - glad that I love you and you are here for me. When I read - and when I talk to you - I love the honesty and deep love that you have and have shown to me and the fact that it does not so easily come back from people to you makes me want to be able to find it - but that cannot be done. I the fixer cannot fix - nor do I want to fix. Joy.... I don't say it enough - I love you.

**Flush** (and of course since I am always the sarcastic one take this as my joke of sweeping away the deep emotion I feel....) - maybe we should start a company where we can sell these hugs and holds from men that do not shit in our lives. I am sure I have a friend or two I can pimp out and make a little money on - A hug, embrace and kiss on the top of your head for 2 hrs..... listening while you speak the words into their chest - $250 - $1000 for 24hrs. It wouldn't be illegal - maybe I need to talk to Brent he is always needing money.....

Posted by I am ninja! on Tuesday, March 27, 2007 - 7:17 PM

Posting something old

2007-03-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

Taken from a comment, decided to make my own post (hell it was long enough, it was a post!)

My sister is not the only person that keeps posting with references back to religion. I'm the other freak that is so-often one-track minded - constantly referring to religion or philosophy. I can see the rolling of the eyes long before I'm in full conversation and I just don't give a damn, I've got to do it, have to talk about it. I think it's part of the "recovery" process.

We rented a movie today. Jen called and asked what it was, I came up with a good name for it, but only for the next caller who asked what I was watching. M. said, "Hey Mom, so-and-so wants to know what you're watching". I responded, "It's horrible." She replies to the caller, "It's called Horrible or something". I laughed. That would've been a good name for it, however, it was called One Night with the King (or something equally awful). And yes, it was a terrible movie as far as acting, plot, etc. goes... but what dug deeper at me and really irked me was the constant references to God. And how much of the story was familiar to me and was bringing up memories of talks that I had actually given about the exact subject (Esther, the eventual Queen of Persia, wife of Xerxes... I think, anyway). I couldn't really put my finger on why I kept mocking it and hating it. But it goes back to what you were saying about my whole life being turned upside down by it. First, my life being turned upside down as I was raised in it and conformed my life to it. Second, by my continually living a lie so that I could keep my circle of family and friends that would be threatened if I left it. Then, finally, as I had the confidence to leave, my resentment at having to start all over again (multiple times, because I gave in to the loss several times and went back to recapture it) from square one, making all new friends and all new family. Noone will ever understand it that hasn't done it. This isn't like moving and making a new set of friends, that's hard enough. This is every person you've ever known and that has ever loved you or claimed to love you (that continues to claim to love you even though they've essentially abandoned you) leaving you, turning their back on you all with the demented hope that this loss will help you come to your "senses" and "return to God" (or back to the fold). It's a demented and horrid fear/loss cycle with the most effective means of controlling the subjects through fear and loss of any other religion. I don't see other religious individuals sweating it out that they're afraid they're going to hell for smoking cigarettes or having premarital sex or getting drunk. But all of those "sins" are equal to every other sin in this cult you and I were raised in - meaning, if you smoke a cigarette or molest a child or kill someone, they all carry the same punishment. Once again, I don't see many other Christians (born agains, pentecostals, catholics, etc) worrying about excommunication or even Hell. But, how many of us were scared into living a life of duplicity or going along with something that felt wrong because you were afraid of losing the most important thing in your life? Love, family, friends, acceptance, even tying all back into self-worth. How many of us wouldn't talk to members that had done something "wrong" because we were afraid of being cast into the same "lot" for just "talking" to those condemned sinners? It's a perfect system for control, they've got their masses scared into believing they won't get to "pet the Panda" or "see their dead mother in Paradise" or maybe they have a more honorable intention of not wanting to "displease God"... whatever, all fear based tactics of keeping the sheep in line. I just can't believe that my family and friends are so blind that they can't see it. I consider many of them intelligent. Are they afraid of the same things I was so afraid of before I left? Are they afraid of losing the things that you and I have lost? Do you think they go to sleep every night knowing that they probably aren't going to Paradise, (or at least doubting it), but at least they still have the friends and family they've known and loved their whole lives?

I remember my brother told me that if I was right and they were wrong that everything Mom did was in vain. I don't believe that for a second. My mom's life wasn't in vain, because she believed it. It would only be in "vain" if you knew better and continued to go along with it. It's often made me wonder what he really thinks about it all deep down when he's laying on his pillow at night. Does he really believe the ridiculous propaganda we were fed? Part of me wishes and believes he doesn't, but the other part of me says it would be worse and even more sad if he did and felt trapped like he just had to keep going through the motions because that's all he knows and has ever known. That he'd rather have what he has now, then give it up to live an authentic life.

Sometimes it's hard and it sucks. I'll never get back the years I lost or the relationships that we're just starting that could've been long-lasting, solidified relationships by now. At least, I've chosen to be authentic. I like this me a whole lot better.

I "dumped my load" today.

FLUSH!

COMMENTS:

I like that. Being authentic feels good, doesn't it? Makes me sad I didn't get around to it sooner!
Posted by Darc on Tuesday, May 29, 2007 - 9:24 AM

Roommate/Boyfriend Available

2007-01-21T19:23:00.000-08:00

Looking for a new roommate?
How about a new boyfriend?
New friend?
Toby Rage needs a home! 40-something Tommy Lee look-alike, needs a new girlfriend AND a new place to live. 6'4", slender, smoker, has two children (step-daughter age 21 and son 9) though neither live with him, very involved in the East Bay music scene (punk and heavy metal genres), manages Verbal Abuse, travels occasionally as crew/road manager for Bay Area heavy metal or punk bands, frequent weekend shows. Perk(s): Free entrance to Bay Area shows/venues showcasing heavy metal, hard rock and punk bands, schmooze with Bay Area musicians and music scene.

COMMENTS:

I don't know whether to laugh at this or not - but this is hitting my funny bone right now.
Posted by I am ninja! on Monday, January 22, 2007 - 7:24 PM

Blog Calculator Thing-a-ma-bob

2007-01-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know what this is actually counting?

Today Week Total
Posts 1 2 45
Comments 4 7 42
Views 34 170 2245
Kudos 0 0 3

When it says "posts", I'm guessing those are posts that I've made, right? When it says "comments", are those comments I've made, or comments people have made about me? And most importantly, are the "views" people that are viewing me? or me viewing other people? I know that I haven't viewed 34 people today or 170 people this week... but surely 34 people haven't viewed my blog today? and 170 this week? And if so, who are they?!?! Does it count people more than one time? Is one person systematically stalking me all day long pressing the view Joy's blog button over and over??? (That's really disturbing!) And if it counts individual people, what 34 people have been interested enough to read my blog shit today? Who are you damn it?!?! I demand you to present yourself now! Maybe I have friends afterall. Or maybe there are a lot more creepy internet stalkers that have nothing better to do with their time than read my dribble??? Does anyone have an answer to this paltry blog dilemma?

COMMENTS:

I wonder about that stuff myself. Sometimes, I double hit - but it's because I apparently have OCD. I get a notification via E-mail that you've posted a blog. I click it and read it (at that point I'm not logged in, but I'm reading your blog anyway). Then, when I log in later I have a message stating that new blogs have been posted, so I click on your blog again to clear it out. I think that would register as 2, even though I only really read it once. Also - sometimes when I post a blog I go in and read it myself from my profile just to see how long it looks in comparison to my other ones. Or to see if I really want to say what I said. :) I'm not sure, but sometimes I feel like it counts those, even though I don't think it's technically supposed to.

Plus, people - in general - are stalkers. It's true.
Posted by Kelly on Monday, January 22, 2007 - 7:33 AM

ok - ok! You caught me - it is my new addiction - going onto your page every day and just watching that blog calculator going up - it makes me happy that I can control something in this fucking universe.
Posted by I am ninja! on Monday, January 22, 2007 - 7:27 PM

Maybe the IRS will be sympathetic, right?

2007-01-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

I finally broke down and realized that the PC laptop was never going to "get better" and instead of waiting for a miracle, I purchased a friend's hand-me-down. I've been enjoying it. Some of the transitions have been frustrating, but all-in-all, it's been a fairly painless process. Thanks to Joe, who installed a wireless router as one of my Christmas presents (now I can check myspace from my bed or the toilet)! Thank you Joe! I have about five printers in storage. Two of them are awesome, a really cool lab-quality, professional inkjet photo printer (better than the store photo lab) and a laser printer that does my daily print jobs that's fast, efficient and economical. Someone recently donated a printer to us when Mikaela kept bringing floppies into school so that she could print her homework. There are two others that were inherited with the building I'm leasing (or maybe they appeared spontaneously like all of the other junk I'm finding lately), but basically I have way more printers than the average person needs or should have in their possesion. So for the last month, I have been trying to get the printers to work with my new laptop - downloading drivers, locating cords, replacing cords (that I thought might be faulty), replacing cartridges and still my computer will not recognize any of the printers, except for one. The one that it recognizes, it says there is no driver loaded. Next comes the three hour call to MacIntosh technical support (thankfully the computer came with an extended warranty and phone technical support). After downloading a couple of drivers and plugging in the various printers, endless google searches, I finally gave up on the phone call. I called Canon, Epson and Lexmark. The Canon and Lexmark (Compaq's equivalent) printers that I have are not supported by Macintosh OS at all. Leaving my super photo printer, the Epson, my baby (even though the consumables are a fortune)! The drivers are compatible with Mac OS 8, Mac OS 9, Mac OS X 10.1.x, Mac OS X 10.2.x and a patch for Mac OS X 10.4 and greater. Now look carefully... in that vast spread of Mac supported driver software there is a hole. I happen to fall in that hole! I have Mac OS X 10.3.9! Yeah me! Could it be anymore hopeless?!?! I have written to Epson and am waiting for a 24 hour response, but I'm not holding my breath, I really know what the answer is going to be and I'm pissed! At 9AM I had determined that I was going to work on the first year of my four years (now that we can add 2006 to the tax list) of back taxes that I need to turn in. I got my first notice from the IRS a few months ago. Last week I downloaded all of the forms and booklets I needed for 2004 - 2007 and today I was ready to go. Here I am at 3:00PM and I'm blogging on Myspace. That's sounds productive, doesn't it? All I wanted to do was print out some damn forms and instructions! But of course, the IRS will understand, won't they? All I need to tell them is that my printers aren't compatible with my computer and they'll let it slide, right? Yeah, we can rename them SIRS, Sympathetic Internal Revenue Service, I'm sure they'd go right along with my case and chalk it all up to technical difficulty.

Anybody want to donate a Mac-compatible printer to an unemployed schmuck? ... I'll do your taxes for ya?!?!

COMMENTS:

Ugnhhhh!

I say you hide out behind the curtains and pretend that Joy Russell was killed by a pack of llamas. :)
Posted by I am ninja! on Sunday, January 21, 2007 - 4:38 PM

I actually don't owe any money (well, I owe for 2004, but not much). But the amount of effort to prove that I don't owe any money or to turn my taxes in for four years is more work than I can bear to think of right now! I was going to start with the easy years first and go backwards. An interesting SIRS fact to know: if the IRS calculates your taxes for you they are right and they calculate at the highest tax bracket possible. So basically, if the IRS goes through the trouble of calculating your taxes it doesn't matter if you made $1,000 for the year, if they said you made $100,000, you now owe the taxes on $100,000. If they say you made $10,000, they will still calculate the taxes at the highest tax bracket (even though that should technically put anyone in the lowest bracket). I guess they figure.... just because. If, however, you turn in an incorrect tax form you can always ammend it and make it right. So I guess what I could do (WHEN I GET A DAMN PRINTER) is turn in every single year that I owe incorrectly and then file ammendments as I have the time to get them done correctly. At least that way the IRS can't slam me with the earned income assumption or the high tax bracket penalty. Do you need me to do your taxes for you Jen?
Posted by Joy on Sunday, January 21, 2007 - 4:46 PM

Dreams

2007-01-19T09:30:00.000-08:00

I've been having the most vivid dreams for the last month or so. Actually, it started back in November and has been the source of many of my biggest moves/decisions I've made this year. I've been doing big work in my dreams. It's like my conscious self doesn't want to deal with the shit and my subconscious is delving in whole-heartedly, kicking ass and taking names. I wake up and some of it is straight forward, others require a little dream interpretation. I work on it for a while, just exploring the options and the connective thoughts and then BANG!, the connection and symbolism is staring at me in the face usually leaving me in a sobbing mess and yet totally strengthened and renewed. It's too bad that my conscious self isn't as powerful and strong as my subconscious self. (Don't argue with me about this one... most of you haven't seen me lately, I'm a 105 lb. weakling)!

Speaking of health. I am officially done collecting poo. Yes, you heard it correctly, POO! I have been shitting in a receptacle for the last week and spooning the liquidy excrement into a little vial so that I can turn it into the hospital laboratory for evaluation. I like playing scientist, but this has not been fun. Actually, that would be the understatement of the year, but I won't go into a monologue of how much I hate playing with my poo. Next, is the third upper GI for this year. On a sidenote, but not completely unrelated to all of this gastro/intestinal nightmare... I was in the ER at Alta Bates last weekend (took an ambulance ride over at 1AM, my first ambulance ride ever), and because of some extraordinarily shitty treatment I am going to be writing the ER Chief of Staff and whatever Hospital BigWig runs the joint to get some apologies underway and hopefully even change in policy and a reprimand to the crappy doctor and nurse that discharged me in pain in less than 90 minutes. The cab ride home was more helpful, caring and friendly.

And to make me sound even more pathetic and lame, I am very excited about two things: I was approved for a temporary disability sticker for my transportation card. Which means I get my monthly bus pass for $20 per month and won't get kicked off for puking anymore! AND... they are putting in a Trader Joe's at Lakeshore. This is a 2 minute bus ride from me (only about 1-2 miles tops)! YEAH!!!! I haven't been able to frequent TJ's very often this year (I've really only stopped in when someone has driven me). It just hasn't made since to bus across two cities to Emeryville, or even worse, into the tube and onto the island of Alameda. I might as well be leaving the state. But now, it will be Trader Joe's for all of my shopping needs.

Yesterday I stopped at Longs and was grabbed by the Valentine aisle and after picking up some really cute heart tissue paper and bags, I decided to get some things for Mikaela. A ton of makeup that was on sale for $.50 each!!! Then I threw in a curling hair drier and a curling iron, some crazy sponge curler wands, some fancy shampoo, conditioner and sparkling hairspray, a bunch of nail polish and stickers and heart pencils and erasers and automatic pencils with multi-colored refill lead. It was really fun getting her some spa goodies. I don't want to wait until Valentine's Day to give them to her. I wanted to have a spa day last night. It would've been fun to have a girl's night of endulging in all of the spa-type goodies. Jen and I used to occasionally do that on a weekend that we chose to stay home. I think I'll do that this weekend with her - take her down to Long's or Walgreens and let her pick up some stuff to treat ourselves with (maybe even a hair color change or a nice weave of a lighter color for her). It'll be fun!

COMMENTS:

wtf??? You went to the hospital last weekend? I am so sorry Joy - this never gets better does it?

As for the spa day thing - she will love it! That is a fantastic idea and you need to take pictures of this.... I miss so much of her growing up and it sucks. The phone still has not been fixed - no time to do it. Any how - Steven is getting me the Q phone so that if need be I can bind insurance via my phone in disasters and stuff. I should have it all working on Mon. -

Love you - take care of yourself!

Posted by I am ninja! on Saturday, January 20, 2007 - 2:46 PM

You know, I have a retail front (a place that you could bind that insurance stuff with a California insurance license) and two extra rooms (one for your bedroom and one for your coach potato self) and a dressing room if you ever wanted to have spa days on a regular basis with us! I could cook for you (I'm becoming a regular chef) and make you a quilt (Martha Stewart look out)! Don't ask me to knit a scarf for you though.... ask Mikaela about that one! P.S. My cell phone works all of the time (and my landline too!) So you could bind insurance via phone while I was painting your toe nails! Oh, and we could watch the latest movie you ripped in ten foot mega size on my way cool, super dealio DVD projector thingy! Sound interesting yet?!?!
Posted by Joy on Sunday, January 21, 2007 - 3:51 PM

nothing to do with anything:
i stopped dreaming for years
but started again when i got pregnant. they were the most vivid, tangible dreams id ever had...
crazy how the mind knows the body....

eat something. soy protein somehow put meat on my bones better than anything else...
Posted by local nerdery escapee on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 1:50 AM

108.8! :(

2007-01-11T18:36:00.000-08:00

The significance of this number? It just sucks! I have been working so hard and today when I get to the backroom of the doctor's office, I proudly take off my gloves, hat and sweater and put my purse down (but I leave my shoes on because I'm still not completely optimistic). Then the number appears on the digital read out: 108.8! I am so mad! That's with shoes and clothes on! I might as well be 106. The lowest I've been has been 105 (naked) and I swore I'd never get that low again. I was wearing Mikaela's clothes and barely able to walk around I felt so sick and weak. I was sure that they were going to tell me 125 or so... I mean, my clothes have been baggy and I've been super cold, but I was just thinking winter chills, not Skeletor-skinny! Well, at least I'm seeing a regular doctor now. I've been scheduled for a battery of additional tests and the GI Specialist that only shows up two times per month at this location happened to be on site. So he had a chance to review my file and schedule some special tests and set up an appointment in two weeks. I feel like today was full of progress and yielded some positive medical results, even though the disheartening news of my weight. I managed to escape a visit to the ER on Tuesday by trying some new medication and doing some deep-breathing and ultimately passing out for a couple of hours (at least I made it through and didn't have to go to the hospital)! The hospital visit last November that nearly landed me in the surgical suite never got me any referrals and was a waste of time. Yet today's doctor's visit got me a GI referral, a bunch of different tests scheduled, new medication, prescription refills, a temporary disability form filled out so that I can get a monthly bus pass for $20!!! and even a dentist referral!!! YEAH! I didn't even wait in the waiting room for a second. I was still picking up the intake forms and hadn't even turned around to sit down and they called me to go back and see the doctor. All in all it was an awesome experience. I can't believe I'm saying that about a doctor visit, but it's the little things, right?

COMMENTS:

At least it wasn't a fever you were talking about because then you would be baking your brain - whew - thank goodness for the upside.
Posted by I am ninja! on Sunday, January 14, 2007 - 6:15 PM

Time Waster (Thank you Jennicide)

2007-01-11T18:20:00.000-08:00

Another time waster brought to you by me (but ultimately we can thank Jennicide for today's distraction)

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Part 1: Birth:

Were you a planned baby?: Not likely, born under 5 forms of birth control. (Mom, didn't know that birth control pills were to be taken orally and not as suppositories, apparently!! hahaha)
Were you the first?: no, number four of five
Who was present at your birth?: me and my mom (of course), my mom's best friend, Wendy White, my mother's father, Grandpa Bill (who the doctor confused for my dad, who was with my oldest sister in New York while she was recovering from a brain tumor removal operation)
Were your parents married when you were born?: yes, for approximately ten years (I think)
What is your birthdate and time?: February 16, 9:00 P.M.

Part 2: Family

How would you describe your family?: Conservative, fundamentalist Christians, loud-mouthed, agressive, goofy, tard-extraordinaires, entrepreneurial and fat
Are your parents married? not anymore (they stayed married up until my mom's death in 1997, my mom and my dad remarried in 2001?)
Siblings or an only child?: I have three sisters, two older, one younger and an older brother - and one stepbrother and stepsister (they are also my second cousins).
If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: I am the fourth child of five and the 3rd of 4 daughters
What are your siblings names and ages?: Jara, 43; Jana, 42; Jeff, 39; Jennifer, 33 - Heather, 34? and Stephen 31?
Which parent do you get along with best?: my dead mother (easy to get along with someone that can't talk back!)
What do you fight about?: nothing (see comment above)
Do you have step parents?: Margaret (aka Maggie or Ma'am-zy to the grandkids), who was also my mother's cousin before she became my stepmother

Part 3: Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?: best friend? how can I have a BEST friend, when I don't even have any friends? Seriously... no.
Who are your best friends?: probably Jason
What do you like to do when you are together?: lay in bed and watch TV, gossip and talk about crafts and projects that I'm never going to do
Do you share the same interests?: many
Which friend can you tell anything to?: I reserve "telling anything" for strangers on the bus. However, I reserve receiving sound advice and counsel and take shit from Jason, Sam and my brother Jeff (when he talks to me) - I will also list my sister Jennifer, MissieMae and Rosemary and Kelly (though not as recent) for friends I love and respect (most of the time) even though I rarely get a chance to see them/talk to them.

Part 4: Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: depends on the day... either extraordinarily high or in the pit of despair
Are you an extrovert or an introvert?: depends on my surroundings - I am an introvert that poses as an extrovert
Are you happy?: as a general rule it's something I strive for and don't always achieve
Do you live life to the fullest?: I have lived a life that is comprised of numerous events that millions will never experience and only read about

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?: I am pleased with the traits that I have inherited (height, eye color, facial features, etc.). A couple of things I'd desire to change would be to gain at least 20 lbs. and have firmer and higher tits and ass.
Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: yes
Describe your hair.: reddish brown
What make-up do you wear?: I rarely wear makeup these days. Special nights out might merit the application of the full "kit" (moisturizer, foundation, powder, blush, eyeliner, a few shades of eyeshadow, mascara, lipliner, lipstick, gloss and polish for the fingernails and toes)
How do you dress?: depends on the event: baglady-esque/nerd or naughty-tard/punkish-mom

Part 6: Past

Were you a strange child?: Strange would be an understatement
What did you use to love that you no longer do?: the list of men is very long :), spending time with my family, Macaroni Grill and Diet Coke
Do you have the same friends?: only one
Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: the list is long and extensive and has cost me well into the six-figures in mind-altering drugs and then therapy

Part 7: Future

What is your ambition?: to love and be loved, to continue to create, to be the mother my daughter needs and make up for the father she wants but doesn't have, to leave a mark on this world in a way that many will say "Joy was here"
Are you scared of growing old?: Dreading would be a better word.
Do you want to get married?: I have been married twice. I would prefer to be loved. If that comes in the form of marriage, so be it.

Part 8: Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: That depends on the activity and the weather, but as a generality outdoors.
What is your favorite season?: Having been raised and lived the majority of my life in California, I have not really experienced the "seasons". It's always pretty much the same here year round.
Do you like walking in the rain?: yes

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?: Not currently. Was a vegetarian from age 17 to about 20.
What is your favorite fruit?: I don't know why I'm having difficulty with this question, but I just don't know. My sister?
What food makes you want to gag?: Liver (any organ meat for that matter), pigs feet, beef tongue, tripe, menudo, boiled cabbage, kielbasa, eggplant
What is your favorite dessert?: creme brulee and Hagendasz ice cream
What is your favorite restaurant?: ???
Are you a fussy eater?: not at all, just a fussy digestive system

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: neither
If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: It has nothing to do with luck, and he probably wouldn't consider himself lucky at present, but Toby Rage has occupied the extra space in my bed for the last 2+ years.
Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: I think being loved is very satisfying and enriching and loving someone can be beautiful, fantastic and gut-wrenching... so can taking a shit.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: no, I believe in "lust" at first sight - "love" takes time, effort, knowledge, understanding and has more meaning

Part 11: Experiences

What was one of your greatest experiences?: I'd rather share this with a stranger on a bus - or give me a call and I'll fill you in on one or two.
What was one of your worst?: See the comment above.
Have you ever done drugs?: Drugs have "done" me.
Have you ever thought you were going to die?: I have written and spoken my "final words" many times, but (checking pulse) I'm still breathing... funny how that works, eh?
Have you ever suffered from depression?: Hmmm.... ask me again?

Exactly two years later?!!!!

2007-01-10T18:55:00.000-08:00

I knew I had posted a blog entry that had a sentiment that I wanted to copy, so I went searching and little did I know how creepy the result would be...

"Monday, January 10, 2005

Breathing

The smallest things can make the hard exterior melt away... his breathing as he sleeps in my bed. I can hear him from my desk.

4:29 PM - "

Yes, here I sit exactly two years later (well, it's not 4:29PM, but little did I know that the search was going to yield the same date in history)! Yikes! Except now the same breathing brings forth feelings of resentment and anger. I want the breather out of the room, out of my home, out of my life. The hard exterior was there for good reason, for protection and sanity. Now, I need to gain some of that edge back, some strength, some heat (isn't it fire that's used to burn leaches off)???

I had a visit with my therapist today and we recapped the progress I've made in the last nine months. Yeah Joy! Setting all kinds of boundaries, removing the suckers of this "bleeding tit". Yes, compassion and empathy are marvelous qualities to have in moderation. I've overextended, let too many in... I've "related" and "identified" with too many people and ended up housing the masses and nearly ruining myself. Ruination in more than one form: financial, emotional, physical, spiritual and the list continues. I nearly came close to physical death because of my unchecked and out-of-balance "identification". My fear of rejection, of being given the cold shoulder, my history of cold-hearted cruelty and denial by others, others who couldn't and wouldn't let me express my individuality and authenticity has led me to a path of the bleeding heart. Bleeding so profusely that I nearly died of figurative exsanguination, but ultimately nearly escaping literal death.

I have escaped Death's clutches once again! And this time I am angry! Angry at myself, angry at others... especially those vampires and leaches that passively and actively sucked away at the life I had in me. Why is this anger not enough to fuel the last few things I must do to regain my life? I feel like a pussy! A wimp! I can't face another Wednesday looking at Mark and saying that I haven't had the courage to free myself of this last vestige of the self I leave behind.

Today I pray for a miracle, an act of mercy if God exists, because I don't know what it will take to do what I need to do... Yes, I'm overthinking this one, but I also am not ready... not ready to do what needs to be done - yet ready for it to happen! Is it wrong to wish for someone to go away, to disappear, to die? Hell, I'd wish for this person to win the Lotto if it meant that I didn't have to do what needs to be done. Good fortune for someone else as long as I didn't have to take the steps necessary for removal.

I hate myself right now. I hate that I am weak.

COMMENTS:

not so weak... youre pulling yourself out of the bad, it seems..
Posted by local nerdery escapee on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 - 7:16 PM

You have strength inside of you - why else would you be alive today? Tap into it and use it. You can do it, whatever "it" may be. You've always been able to.
Posted by Kelly on Thursday, January 11, 2007 - 7:44 AM

Just this alone took strength - a strength that many do not have..... at least celebrate the small successes and then feed off of it. I am proud of you - but that should not matter - be proud of you - yourself.

Posted by I am ninja! on Sunday, January 14, 2007 - 6:12 PM

Scary Stuff

2005-10-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

It's Halloween again, folks. Great time to adorn ourselves with garb that makes us feel grand, evil and maybe a little sexy. So many things are happening right now and so much is not moving forward in the slightest. I rent two places and have no idea when I will quit paying on the extra one, as I can not move into the new one. (Great idea, Joy, rent two places when you don't even have a single income). My Michelle Moon, aka KK aka, Kay is moving back in on Tuesday... yes, less than two days. I miss her so much and am scared beyond belief. To lessen the extra scariness and anxiety, I am pouring myself into decorating my front yard like a graveyard - with gravestones some of rock's dead legends. Was going to do a theme that consisted of fake gravestones of all of the people that have once resided at The Palace of Squalor, just for shits and grins, but decided that it would be far less to do the "rock legends" theme than the "guests of Palace of Squalor" theme - besides, I couldn't think of enough witty epitaphs to put on the headstones. Laziness wins.

Happy Hall-o-weenie.

National Enquirer Cancels Interview

2005-10-01T02:23:00.000-07:00

The National Enquirer has done a preliminary interview and determined there is no story... since I was born with a vagina there will be no prize cash money. Darn! I tried desperately to show them that I really could pull it off and shoved a 9" dildo down the front of my pants, to no avail. They wouldn't buy the Hebrew-National-in-pickle-jar-trick either! And I thought I was pretty clever for a moment, but I guess I'll have to save the weenie-in-formaldehyde trick for The Sun.

On ex's: I guess some of us luck out... I wish I had it so easy. I still don't understand why almost a year and nary a word, but at least it's comfortable. She easily could've flipped out over many things, but has remained consistent, stable and overall an awesome individual that makes T's life (and mine) very easy in relation to his son. Unlike one ex that has taken to writing on walls like some deranged, psychotic cave dweller that has yet to be introduced to the not-quite-so-new inventions of the writing tablet and ballpoint pen - yes, to convey messages, positive and negative alike. I imagine her hair hanging in front of her eyes, sweat beading at her brow, her eyes bloodshot and her pupils dilated, her nostrils flaring as she breathes, scrawling on the wall - words of insanity and hatred. What drives one to deface a building in such a way? To make one's disgust so public that another must labor to cover it up and rid the world of the ranting of the spited wretch.

Ranting in my head: Friends or acquaintances? Friends or family? Enemy? Enemies? Backstabbing cunts - they exist everywhere. Liars, schemers, plotters... do you meet in back alleys, in the shadows of the night, the smell of old urine and rotting garbage thick in the air as you whisper? Do you giggle and snicker or cry and selfishly claim hurt feelings, hurt hearts as you malign others? You are as rotten and foul as the garbage that runs from your mouths. I may have a tarnished past, but you are tarnished beings - accusing others of things that you seem so eager to participate in yourselves - self-righteous, gossiping, malicious, possessing two faces and no heart. Eventually, the tide will turn and things always have a way of evening out the scales. What should you expect from "friends" when the tables are turned? Maybe they weren't skilled in the school of friendship that you attended... or maybe they've learned from all of you - backstabbing cunts.

Cackling Hens

2005-09-29T01:35:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I despise the fact that I am a woman... strange that tonight was one of those nights. I see most women as whiney, manipulative bitches that endulge themselves in hours of useless shopping, primping and gossipping (cackling hens). Don't they know that if the men they are with will put up with their endless nagging and bitching, much like Chinese water torture, they will still stick their dicks in the bitch's piehole whether she's applied her $30 per tube lipstick or not. But I'm off topic... Tonight, I received a phone call from someone that said that my boyfriend's ex has procured an "internet spy" to look up trash on me. (Why look? I'm willing to tell all anyway! Isn't there enough trash that's currently known by all without trying to find additional "goods" on me?) This uber intelligent internet spy (insert sarcastic tone) has apparently found information that leads her to believe that I am formerly a man. She has proceeded to pass this on to other's known by my boyfriend and myself. I called her today and she denied that she started this rumor and said that she has never met me and doesn't know whether I was ever a man or not, continuing on saying that fact would only be known by my boyfriend and myself. Also, if I wanted to stop this rumor that I had alot more calls to make since she was one of the many that knew of this oh-so-accurate piece of information (kawbawk! Keep on clucking, Missy!) My friends that know me a little better will find this piece of information a little humorous given the circumstances of my life. I did a google search with my first and last name and sure enough, found that someone that possessed my first and last name is at least posing as a transexual. I guess this Einstein-of-a-gal doesn't realize that my last name being one of the 100 most common surnames in the U.S. and my first name (not quite as common, but still owned by many) might be owned by another person, yes, gasp! even a transexual!

For those of you that still have their doubts, please call up your local tabloid or news channel... because I just may be the first modern miracle - a child bearing man! I conceived and had a child sliced from my abdomen over ten years ago and as google would have it known I found out that this online person didn't have their sex change until 1999.

COMMENTS:

I'm sorry.... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..... yes, I apologize for the laughing....... ha ha ha ha ha ha........ it's just so FUNNY!

What a complete nincompoop!
Posted by Kelly on Thursday, September 29, 2005 - 5:21 AM

Does that explain why you have the dead alien skin in your attic - I knew it you ARE an alien!!!! Don't deny it ET - you've had those freakishly long fingers that were spectacular for piano playing - but also for taking people's brains through a anal probe (finger being the probe) - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it is all so very CLEAR.

I love you no matter what - you are my friend and an alien through birth.

Posted by I am ninja! on Monday, October 03, 2005 - 1:13 PM

That's impossibly rich! Now we can have peeing contests, too.

On the bright side, packing your new pecker, you can expect 25 percent higher pay in the workplace.

C

Vagina Fest #8: Betty Cocker & Guest, Hiney Ho

2005-09-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

It's true... at 5AM we embarked upon the first shopping trip of the month. Hiney and me, together, in the Safeway. At least there were no handicapped senior citizens in motorized carts for Anna to run into. Anyway, we purchased our ingredients for our Dessert Fantastico and ended up piling our arms full of frozen fiesta buffet treats. Alas no margaritas - it was, afterall, 5AM.

Returning to the Palace of Squallor, we began Vagina Fest #8 with morning libations consisting of rum and coke, which was abandoned for unbranded fruit punch soda. Rice pudding was offered, resembling chunky cum (something we will be familiar with again in just another week, when VA returns) - but Hiney Ho declined - too bad, more for Joy.

Beaters splattering batter, unashed cigarettes dangling from lips, double entendres and early morning phone calls a-plenty... we completed our Cock Cake at about 9AM. Uh, I think... somewhere around 8AM, Betty Cocker (aka Joy) crashed out and Guest, Hiney Ho (aka Anna) completed the highlighted specialty of VF#8 with much success - whipped cream frosting and purple iced writing to boot. "I (heart) Cock". Just in case anyone was to think that in our banning of the male species from the Palace during the absence of Mr. Rage, resulting in the Vagina Fest, has reduced our fondness for penis... we create the Cock Cake. Yes, we love cock!

In memory of the Redwood

2005-09-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

So it's only been a little over a week and I hate this... life without T. sucks (and in no way is that even close to literal)! I'm sure it's annoying as hell and it's all I can think about or talk about - I guess I need a hobby... one that doesn't have a penis (a job would be pretty cool too)!

May the Mighty Redwood stand tall forever!

Closure

2005-04-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

Today I head off to close out a big part of my life. I might as well be cutting off a dead piece of rotting meat. It's a relief and it should have been done a long time ago. How can shit spew out of a thing so wonderful? Hatred doesn't spawn from love... so where does this resentment and foulness generate? It's wearing and tearing on me and soon instead of an eroded Joy with a bundle of raw nerves, it will be the Mega-Super Bitch that once existed and will return. Is this what you want? On T., I love him more than any other. It seemed impossible, not even impossible - just something I'd never want, much less get - and he's with me.

COMMENTS:

One word regarding middle paragraph:

Hmmmmmmmm.............
Posted by Kelly on Friday, April 29, 2005 - 5:52 AM

Happy V.D.

2005-02-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

Well, a little late this time. This evil holiday, created by Hallmark, passes again and my expectations too high ended more than satisfied in a non-traditional Valentine's sorta way. Tomorrow's the birthday...and, much like Valentine's, it's been a huge disappointment every year. I hope this is the year that it changes. Maybe not just the celebratory part of it, but actually what happens this year. Moving out of Shithole Central (not the physical location, but the mental/emotional location) would be a grand plan - and I'm going to stick to it.

COMMENTS:

Have you moved out of Shithole central yet? Maybe you just need to watch a little more Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. Lots of positive messages there. You just need to find the golden ticket, chica. Speaking of movies, I have yours (GO). Come over here and get it! Na na na na na na na you say it's your birthday..... na na na na na na it's my birthday too yeah.... na na na na na na gonna have a good time..... happy birthday to YOU!
Posted by Kelly on Wednesday, February 16, 2005 - 6:50 AM

Farewell Freaks

2005-01-10T22:59:00.000-08:00

After a 3 page letter from my landlords with suggestions that maybe I was the reason why their 7 year old son was yawning in class (even though I only live here approximately 3-4 days out of 7)... I found a new place! It will be mine, I will get to come and go as I please without anyone asking where I'm going or worrying about how much noise my key is making in the lock even though it's only the afternoon... nor will I have to watch movies in subtitles because I've got the volume turned down so low that I can't hear the dialogue. New place, a cool housemate and someone to share my bed... maybe I'm going insane... or???

COMMENTS:

No, no, not insane. You're wisening up!
Posted by Kelly on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 6:50 AM

Breathing

2005-01-10T17:29:00.000-08:00

The smallest things can make the hard exterior melt away... his breathing as he sleeps in my bed. I can hear him from my desk.

Shit I've Done

2004-12-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

I had a heart-to-heart with a friend today. We were talking about the first 10 seconds that you meet someone and the judgements that pass and then the judgements that continue from there on out. There is no such thing as not being judgemental... so save your breath. What the discussion all came down to was the shit we've done and how people feel about it. It doesn't make someone a better person that they haven't committed a crime or done drugs or been a jackass to someone in their lives, nor does it make someone a bad person for having done those things. We cannot make up or wash away the things that we have done or had done to us. They are there forever. It is man's (humanity's) construct that we feel we need to "repent" or "make up for" or "pay penance". I'm not saying that it isn't a good thing to be sorry or feel bad for the times we've missed the mark. The true measure of a good person is how they choose to be today. I don't hit the mark every day, I know I'll miss it many more times. There are people that respond to others because of their past and the guilt associated with or the memory that it's "happened to me" or the people that feel like they've done something shitty and maybe one more good activity is going to make up for the shitty deed. I see it as more of a choice. I wake up each day and I can make a choice... a choice to be a giving person, a heartfelt person, an honest person... someone who cares without restraint - or I can be that person that is in the shell of my profile that is still holding on to the crappy things I've done over the course of my life. STJ, you're the best in my book!

COMMENTS:

Here, here! I totally agree. It's all about making a choice for today and not living in regret. Today, I choose to smile more and try to lessen the worried look on my face. :) Maybe it will be contagious!
Posted by Kelly on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 6:46 AM

Warm Beds and Gray Days

2004-11-08T16:10:00.000-08:00

Monday's suck. Why don't I ever just realize this and move on?

I'm having a day of random thoughts and ideas that I want to scream aloud or write about, but they're absurd, insane and don't belong on the same page together. Sounds like my life.

I miss MM, only 24 hours from my visit. We'd jump into bed and take a nap together, I'd insist - like medicine.

COMMENTS:

The random thoughts that don't belong together are the ones that most need to be written down, all on one page, to reflect upon later. KW
Posted by Kelly on Monday, November 08, 2004 - 9:05 PM

Monday's do suck. Espicially after seeing you this weekend and wishing you were still here. Fuck you for moving!! Okay....just had to get that off my chest. Love ya'. Miss ya'. And all that jazz. PS- He wasn't really Sean.
Posted by Jason on Monday, November 08, 2004 - 9:33 PM

Officespace

2004-11-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

The last three days I've worked full days. Not just the lameass days that I tend to like to put in where I stop at 2:30 or 3PM to call my friends or have lunch or beer-thirty with someone, but real work days - start at 8 or 9AM and typically ending around 9 or 10:30PM. It's amazing how a few productive workdays can make you feel. Today, the radio is blaring and I'm already ready to go out in the field and visit locations. Tomorrow will be the same thing. Except "out in the field" doesn't mean shopping trip or some other useless nonsense, it means doing my job. I've been sleeping all week, putting in solid, productive work days, getting my "system" down, it feels awesome.

COMMENTS:

Love you, girl! Keep it up, but don't forget we're having drinks this weekend. That's right, me n you baby cakes. :) Woo hoo! I can't wait to see you, best friend.
Posted by Kelly on Thursday, November 04, 2004 - 8:04 PM

Disjointed

2004-10-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not feeling this blog at all, but will post anyway. It will just have to make do, because I've got some things to say:

Sleep: I slept a full night last night...YEAH!!!! It was an 8 hours plus ordeal and I feel GOOD!

Airplanes: Note to self - I will not fall asleep on an airplane, especially when I'm having sexy dreams.

Monopoly: I'm going to write Parker Brothers for an ammendment to the rules. The game sucks and never ends.

Tattoo and New Hair: I am officially sporting a new appearance.

MM: I love her. There's not much more to say. She will take a nap with me today or tomorrow because I'm feeling the need to cuddle.

The Rancho: I need to find a new arts & crafts partner for Tuesdays and/or Wednesdays...any takers?

COMMENTS:

So, can we please see the new hair?
Posted by Jason on Saturday, October 23, 2004 - 3:43 PM

I'm a Sexy Fucker

2004-10-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

I wish I was a sexy fucker so that I could make out with someone tonight. I hate it when I drink just enough to make me think I'm ultra sexy and not enough to wash away the idea that I'm sitting here alone typing on a computer.

I'm perverted and ill. I'm a slut of the worst kind, except I can't get any... or at least the any of what and who I want. Tonight I'd settle for the Toothless Wonder down the street or the freak who'd take Dumpster Fucking to a new level. Hot, panting, nasty, touching...oh, fuck it, how about yanking the panties down and pounding away with my head banging into the concrete wall.

I wonder if there will be any regret associated with this post tomorrow when I've sobered - and J is already asking me to read her my blog. "You know you want to read it to me". Really? I think I'll pass on the read-a-loud tonight, J.

It's a good thing I'm tucked away in my little second story haven in the East Bay. Safe tonight, but not forever.

COMMENTS:

Good think I popped in here so early this morning..... I know you're gonna delete this. "Get some, go again." ~Rollins
Posted by Kelly on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 5:29 AM

Yeah, hope you enjoyed your one night of safety in the East Bay. You only get one sick day every year, you know.
Posted by BloodyFNMess on Friday, October 15, 2004 - 5:03 PM

I already told you it is the personality deficiency that you have :) - had fun still needing two days of sleep and to get rid of this jet lag.
Posted by I am ninja! on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 9:12 AM

What the fuck is this props thing?
Posted by I am ninja! on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 9:13 AM

thats some brutal honesty for ya. I love your writing . . . .
Posted by solon on Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 8:36 PM

The Party's Over

2004-10-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

As I sit here on another Monday wondering why I began my weekend on Wednesday of last week when the calendar clearly says that it starts on Friday...

I'm reminded of my friends and chosen "family" that I've left behind in LA. Of course it's dawned on me that I'm trying to replenish my good friends from 400 miles away with new company. It's just not the same. There are some really neat and special people that I've met, some awesome times, new music, new bands, fantastic physical stuff, a pretty cool job, and enough decadence to cover the rest of my life. But have you ever just wished it was all back the way it once was? If I could turn back the clock about 7 years and stop it right there - I'd sell my soul for the opportunity (if I had one) . But that's just today, because I'd just shake it all up for change anyway.

It all came crumbling down when I had some bitch get in my face and remind me that I don't know any of these people, that I'm scrambling to have what I left behind and it's just not going to work that way or that easy. It was a girl fight, not even a real fight...just drama, a circumstance that she didn't have the facts on and blew way out of proportion. Still, the unspoken words surrounding it all and the reality that the situation would have never even occurred with my friends because they wouldn't have been wondering about my motives, they would've already known them, known me.

Later that same day MM called. She was crying, she said she missed me. It all came crashing to bits and pieces in my head. I was tired. As the social retard of the century, it's been a little draining. If I sit in the corner and just observe it must mean that I'm mad, bored, uninterested or a general dud. If I'm talkative and chatty and involved there must be some bad motive attached to it. So I'm constantly trying to figure out exactly how do I portray my fucked up self without offending anyone? How about I don't know a fucking person in most of this area and feel a little out of the mix? I don't have a K here who would know that if I was just hanging out in the corner watching that it didn't mean a damn thing except that I was hanging out in the corner watching. We could just look at each other and have our own private joke or talk nonsense or in depth for hours. Or a J who would talk to me about bathroom habits and sex in every conversation without taking it personally or thinking I was a freak - just because he knows I like talking about bathroom habits and sex. Nor do I have an N who will hang out at my house drinking til dawn and letting me photograph her in goofy poses in my fetishwear - or breakfasts the morning after while she puts her makeup on for hours at the table. There's not a Bucks crew that will come to Thursday or Sunday night BBQs and stay too long at my house, drink all my booze and smoke all my shit, while they entertain the hell out of me with their crazy antics - singing along to tunes, laughing harder than I ever thought possible. No Kat that's going to knock on my slider in the middle of the night waving a bottle and asking if I'll wake up to talk. I definitely don't have an M here who would let me call at any time of the day or night and do extraordinary acts of kindness even when I'd just been a bitch.

I know it will all come in time. Just trying to say that I miss you all and can't wait until I come back this weekend and next and the one after that.

COMMENTS:

I miss you so much! You'll find your place in the crowd and they'll love you like we all do--don't worry. Today is a new day. You get to have a fresh perspective and a fresh start. Lucky you! I love you!! p.s. Bitch Patrol says walk softly and carry a big stick (or a bottle of something yummy and refreshing).
Posted by Kelly on Tuesday, October 05, 2004 - 5:33 AM

Here Comes Monday

2004-09-26T21:32:00.000-07:00

Sitting here staring at the blue glow of the screen, typing a few words and then erasing them... maybe now I’ll be able to put a semi-coherent thought together. I wandered Wal-Mart for over an hour today. Only there to get a couple of office supplies, I made my fifth lap around the perimeter, leaning on the cart, shuffling along – I’d realized I’d forgotten my wallet in the car and the process started again immediately open my return. I’d officially lost track of time last night. The 90 minutes of sleep on Saturday afternoon just didn’t quite cut it. (Thank you friends for the many phone calls, one repeatedly after another. It’s called a message machine, it means you leave a message and I call you back when I get it...not call as many times as you possibly can alternately between phone and cell phone until I pick up.) The Party Gods were on my side last night, though, because I managed to do it again, for the second night. Yes, I think it was somewhere between Friday and Sunday that I actually believed I might be granted special powers to sustain sleep and food deprivation for a week. Isn’t alcohol food? I’ve misplaced my food chart and I just don’t think it falls into the four basic food groups. It’s not like I don’t have a little extra fluff that can help out on special occasions or weekends like this... but sitting here, picking at my meal, I realize that the only food I’ve consumed over the last 60+ hours is olives and gum. Typical “Joyism”: “The olive in the martini is ‘dinner’”. It’s a mantra, but I don’t believe it - except for this weekend. No food, no water, no sleep. Here’s the big proof that all common sense had truly flown out the window: I was actually debating with myself (it’s a fun thing) as to whether I had enough energy to go see another show in the City tonight. One positive thing... (ok, maybe the second positive thing) my passengers weren’t puking in my car. :) More complaints: a nagging cough (too many cigarettes, not enough sleep), an incredible amount of bruises that do not seem to have an origin of cause, and I have head injuries - actual lumps on the top and back of my head. WTF?!?! So now would be a good time to throw back one last drink – thank you M for your ingenious, yet sophomoric suggestion. Cheers! Just call me, Glutton.... Glutton for Punishment

Almost a Story

2004-09-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

This morning's wake up time was 3AM. 3AM to be in Portland at 6AM, so that I could wait for everyone else until 10AM. We sat around until 12PM so that we could have lunch and finally, they announced my position. I have a job! Praise Allah! (I hope noone takes this seriously). I realized on my way to Portland on the airplane that I forgot my sunglasses, so I throw my suit jacket over my head and fall asleep. Yes, I am a dork. I just don't want anyone to see my mouth open or me drooling. Tonight, I arrive back at about 7:30PM and decide that I'm too tired to even put anything into the microwave, so instead I walk up the street to this Mexican restaurant. Turns out this restaurant carries some pretty cool tequilas and the bartender is pouring doubles at Thursday's reduced price. I think I've found a new hang out. I walked home and am feeling fantastic, the carnitas were marvy and I'm rolling solid on a non-productive day of work and a nice buzz. I didn't mention that in a moment of sheer insanity...maybe it was sleep deprivation, instead of shaking one of my peers' hands at the end of the day, I gave her a hug. It was so out of character for me, I actually started stuttering. I don't know what came over me... it was kind of like the moment when I say goodbye to someone and can't figure out what to say... and start saying things like "Take Luck!" or "Good Care!"... I'm a social retard and feel like a professional dork. Oh well, tomorrow's another day to blow it again... wish me luck. Take Luck! Good Care!

COMMENTS:

You are so silly! At least on the airplane you didn't wake up cuddled up to a random Australian guy. And also--too tired to microwave but not too tired to walk to the restaurant? I want some of that tired! You go get 'em girlie. And remember--this is your space (draws circle around you) and this is your co-worker's space (draws circle around co-worker).
Posted by Kelly on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 6:54 AM

Return to the Dreaded Room

2004-09-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

WARNING!!!!! This blog contains information that might be considered potentially offensive and/or disgusting.
I'm wrapping up my week with "P". Wednesday is officially my last day under her care and supervision. Unfortunately, I couldn't wait until Wednesday to "check my lipstick". First, let's get some visuals down. The bathroom: A new acquaintance of mine mentioned that they have difficulty using a restroom that is not clean. This one isn't dirty...it's just...gross - complete with several dishes of potpouri that undoubtedly are harboring a million different kinds of germs and bacteria instead of promoting good smells. There is a used, wet, purple ponytail holder next to the faucet, and the trashcan is piled high with papers, but I'm guessing if I ever decided to dig further down that there would be many other unmentionable things deeper in the bowels of the receptacle. Anyway, I go through my usual rituals of turning on the water, etc. and I hear P outside the door. "Joy, I've got TP and papertowels here for you. Would you like me to hand them to you?" Ummmm.... fuck no! First thought that crosses mind is - "Don't talk, just pretend like the bathroom is empty, but the door is locked". Obviously, that isn't going to work, so the idea is quickly dismissed. Then I take inventory, because I know I supplied the bathroom with a pyramid of toilet paper late last week and there's no way that we have gone through the pyramid. The pyramid is missing, the roll is empty and the papertowel holder is empty. Fuck me! I begin to run through my options and still haven't answered P. I can dripdry....uh, no. I look in the trashcan....uh, gross and definitely NOT! I finally decide that there's a pretty easy escape... I haven't started anyway, so I proceed to zip up, turn off the faucet (without a papertowel...ew!) and open the door. P looks at me strangely, and I walk out the door allowing her to go in and put the toiletpaper and papertowels in the restroom. At this point I've made up my mind that there will never be a need to use the bathroom at this location... I'll just drive home instead.

On the pot...

2004-09-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

I'm really uncomfortable with elimination... not the subject of waste elimination, but actually doing it. As far as anyone's concerned, the only good for those holes is input, not output, because I don't do THAT. I've gone up and down whole highrise buildings just to find a bathroom that wasn't in use. If a girl gets in the stall next to me and puts her hand under the divider suggesting that I hand her toilet paper, I might just spit in it, or kick it. It seems to be a girl thing to talk incessantly while you pee - well, I refuse... if the pants are off, we're done talking as far as I'm concerned, until I walk back out the magical door. Now that we've covered how I feel about peeing and shitting... zoom in on TODAY. I've been training with a woman that is covering company policies, procedures, product knowledge, etc. We'll call her "P". P is a 50-something woman that has a broken leg, but refuses to use crutches or a walker. Instead she hauls her overly plump body around by hobbling on a cast that has a rainbow colored, velcroed, flip-flop type shoe over it. During the week I've been there, she has also managed to contract some sort of eye disease (ok, it's an infection, but anyway...) that makes her eye red, swollen and weepy. She keeps insisting that it's an infection from a contact and not contagious, but I won't take off the latex gloves or mask and keep leaving her in a cloud of D-40 that I spray in her general direction when she comes and goes (so the mask and gloves are an exaggeration... but you get the picture). P can only eat iceburg lettuce because she is allergic to all other vegetables. She eats peanut butter and jelly potpies (I didn't even know that such an atrocity existed and most of you know how I feel about the kitchen). She can't take medication because of her "condition" (being a lameass?) Do you have a picture of this woman yet????? At about 3:00 this afternoon, P half-waddles, half limps over to the restroom. On her way, she calls out to me, "Joy, get the TP...we're out. It's on the top shelf in the backroom." So I head off to get her "TP"... even though I don't want to participate in the bathroom ritual (see above). When I arrive back in the general office area, I don't see P anywhere. I realize that she must be near the bathroom, probably getting a head start so that she won't have so far to travel. The door to the restroom is closed. Suddenly the door gets incredibly tall, like in a nightmare. I sheepishly knock on it... "P...????" She says, "Come in!" I nervously open the door, not quite knowing what to expect and see that she is on the toilet... granny panties visible in the cradle of her pants that have gathered around her ankles... the additional detail is causing me to break out into a sweat and I'm going to have to stop here... P. asks me to hand her the roll, so I quickly jump forward - trying not to chuck the roll at her, lest I have to spend more time in there with her retrieving it - and make the handoff, spin around on my heel and run out the door. There is a pyramid of toilet paper on the back of the tank now.

COMMENTS:

What a maroon!
Posted by Kelly on Saturday, September 11, 2004 - 6:33 AM

1. Refrain from my eye-sex with this woman. 2. The granny panties shot will ruin my weekend. When you bought a ticket to see John Waters' "Polyester" in 1981, you were given a scratch-n-sniff strip to use during the movie. It was called Odorama. Let's thank our deities that the technology has not been developed for the Internet.
Posted by Kafka on the Beach on Friday, September 17, 2004 - 7:19 AM

Gives a whole new meaning to "wandering eye", doesn't it? C., you're a goof, the only person I would even consider having "eye sex" with is you! Oh and Peter Falk...he's got the whole glass-eye-thing going for him.
Posted by Joy on Sunday, September 19, 2004 - 1:56 AM

First Day Back in the Suit

2004-09-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

My first day at work: 10:00 AM Start work (hahahahaha, that's almost as bad as being self-employed) 10:05 AM Intros to local trainer 10:10 AM Trainer informs me I will not be coming back into training or working until next Tuesday as her schedule is too busy 10:15 AM For the next three hours she is going to bullshit about how difficult training is going to be and yet how easy it's going to be and we still haven't covered anything (except I did get to watch an ancient video that covers information that's no longer valid within the company) 1:15 PM Leave to go get lunch 1:45 PM Trainer limps around showroom, goes to the bathroom, limps around showroom some more, gives me some answers to a test I need to take, goes to the bathroom again 2:15 PM Trainer sends me out to get sodas so we can "wake up" 2:30 PM Intros to new employee that's just arrived - bullshit for 90 minutes between trainer, employee and myself 4:00 PM Trainer asks if I want to go home yet, she doesn't feel good 4:05 PM Read online manual for the next hour 5:00 PM "Goodbye Joy, see you next Tuesday" for another 4 WEEKS of this! Why did I ever bust my hump for my own company when I could've just sat around doing nothing for a corporation and making great money? Even though I received an actual offer letter (I refused to walk out of corporate yesterday without one)... they're trying to conceal the fact that I've been hired. For everyone that needs to know that I've been hired (including the trainer and a variety of others), they've lied and told them I'm going to be managing a Showroom. Beginning to wonder if I have a job? This is a medium sized, privately held company, not the CIA, boys.

COMMENTS:

What a bunch of maroons! Oh, I mean..... Congratulations! :)
Posted by Kelly on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 8:26 PM

Domestic Spontaneity and Pancakes

2004-08-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

Pancakes! Brilliant idea! I get out the mix, the big bowl and start making them with K. What a great idea for a Monday morning, I'm really feeling domestic. I'm finishing a morning phone call as she starts stirring the batter... I see her stick her finger into the mixture and then into her mouth. Black dots???? My brain starts processing the input slowly at first... Little dehydrated blueberries??? No, this is just regular pancake mix. Wholegrain goodness???? Not! Oh no, shit, fuck! Rat turds?!?!?! I grab the spoon out of her hand that she has headed for her mouth. "Stop eating the batter, and wait until I get off the phone!" I abruptly end the phone call and realize that there are way too many black dots and they're too small to be rat feces. So, I turn to the source... the mix! I scoop up a large spoonful and scatter it in the bottom of the sink... and it begins to move. Bugs! Frozen waffle anyone?

COMMENTS:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH That is so yucky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Almost as yucky as a big fat HUGE bug that comes out into your bathroom at night and makes you yelp and squeal like a little kid--right before you squish it with the end of the mop. And thank god your best friend and her daughter were there to squeal with you!!!!!!!! Terminex, anyone?
Posted by Kelly on Monday, August 30, 2004 - 4:16 PM

New and old places, new and old spaces, new and old friends

2004-08-30T01:36:00.000-07:00

In the last 36 hours I have driven over 1000 miles and found a place to live. I am opting to temporarily abandon the cardboard box and have found a cool space in the top floor of a old Craftsman-style home in Glenview (Oakland, CA) inclusive of an unfinished wood floor and exposed brick bedroom/attic. My new landlords were concerned that I might miss having a kitchen. They obviously haven’t seen the pictures of my fridge. The Claremont house goes on the market tomorrow. I’m a little sad, but it’s appropriate timing...as it no longer feels like home. In the last 36 hours I have learned that some friends do not have the capability of being real friends and others that I frequently take for granted are true gems. As a side note, eight years ago I did something horrific to someone and had the opportunity a few hours ago to apologize for it. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted, forgiveness feels fantastic. The possibilities seem to be limitless I smell excitement in the air Or maybe I just need to empty the trash

COMMENTS:

My darling, you are truly on the cusp of an amazing moment--or are even, perhaps, in the midst of it. Take out the garbage. It's liberating. I love you forever and ever! Kel
Posted by Kelly on Monday, August 30, 2004 - 4:14 PM

The Nature of My Disease

2004-08-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

"But I am drawn to these things, that is the nature of my disease, to be drawn to far too many things." I read this almost a decade ago and today, my brain has decided for the millionth time to produce it again. Of course the quote is taken out of context for this particular blog... but just like on the first day I read it, it spoke to me and speaks to me again. In the swell of activity that surrounds my departure, I still find myself approaching the tasks in a haphazard fashion, resenting that I will be part of the corporate machine again, yet so drawn to it. Drawn to my music and my lack of ability to make something happen with it. Drawn to painting and sculpting and my inability to connect with it. Drawn to writing my story, yet fearful of the result. Drawn to running, leaving it all behind. Drawn to my friends all the while hiding, not wanting to share. Drawn to women, and repulsed by the one that is drawn to me. Drawn to men, we won't even go there... Oh, the list could go on for days... Time to let myself be drawn to filling another box, the joy of packing...

COMMENTS:

But this is why I love you so.
Posted by Kelly on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 8:34 PM

Fetishes and Turn-Ons

2004-08-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

And after all that evasive profile bullshit, you think I'm about to go public with a grand list of my turn-ons and fetishes in one place? Well, maybe a taste for my friends that think I've lost my touch ... instead you can think I'm losing my mind... I'm drawn to talking about bus schedules, hanging out near dumpsters, shipyards and "molesting government property", a sucker for drool and bruises and lack of oxygen.

The Fearless Fool Returns to the Bay Area

2004-08-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Rumors are true... I didn't get kicked in the ass enough the last time I set up my cardboard box in the Bay Area... so I'm going back for more. Pimping will be a thing of the past for this girlie, I've been offered a real corporate position and will be donning the "uniform" again. And for those that were worried that the next statement on the agenda was a purple mohawk, rest assured, I'm going back to a much more subdued look... a painted facade of reservation and collectedness to disguise the chaotic, fucked up, harsh interior. Peel back the layers, I'm still here. Don't let the Mercedes fool you, I haven't sold out to the masses... not yet, anyway.